Thoughts on 30: Who Was that Woman in the Pictures?

Eight years ago I was in full-on wedding preparation mode. With just a couple weeks left until our wedding, I got my first professional makeover. I walked out of Sephora with products I absolutely loved, new techniques I’d never heard of, and a lot less money in my bank account. As years went by, I finished grad school, started a new job, then eventually had two babies and became a stay at home mom. With so much going on, makeup (and hair and clothes) became a much lower priority and I stopped putting much thought into what I was buying and instead just grabbed whatever was quickest and cheapest. 

But then a weird thing started to happen. When I saw photos of myself, I would have this moment of surprise and disorientation almost every time because the image didn’t look like how I felt. Anyone ever had this moment? At the time, my kids were 3 and 1 and I hadn't taken much time for myself since starting our family. And the thing was, it wasn't that I was having a pity party over the way I looked. It was just that I would look at the photo of that moment, and I would remember exactly how I felt and what I was saying and doing, and those feelings were never frumpy or lost or forgotten like the way I often felt I looked. Inside I felt young and bright eyed and like my life was full of wonderful surprises and joys, and it was bizarre to feel like I didn't seen that in myself in a still shot.

So I decided to make a change. And hear me say this: I truly believe your physical body is not what defines you. Even at my most out of shape or least trendy, I was always witty and smart and kind and no amount of exterior change could take that away from me. But I also decided there was nothing wrong with enjoying the fun things that come along with being a girl. I was confident in who I was because I was confident in who made me, but now I was ready to look in the mirror and see the girl I felt like I was inside, the girl who had been lost while focusing on everyone else but herself.

So I got more serious about having a healthier diet and regular exercise. I went and got a new haircut and started researching makeup. I had no idea what contouring was or a beauty blender sponge or even what shade I should pick in anything. And it bears repeating, the hair and makeup were not what made me me, but I was having SO much fun learning and playing around with the options and doing something that was just for me.

I went back to the basics, and in this case, that meant a lot of Google research and Youtube videos (which is so fun, but you will get sucked in for DAYS watching those makeup tutorials). I wrote all about the products that were a part of my beauty evolution here, you can read it to see all the ones I love the very most. But most importantly, I realized this journey was only a little about the products and a lot about taking the time to invest in myself and the things I enjoyed. My makeup looks better now, but more importantly, when I see pictures of myself I see the joy and energy that I am experiencing at the time. The photos feel like me, like how I see myself.

So take heart, my friends! It's never too late to start over and it's never selfish to spend a little time on yourself.

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When Are You Going to Have Another Baby?

Titus is 3.5 years old and Haddie is 1.5 years old and we have reached the point when people start asking us, "soooo.... Are you thinking about having another baby?" I get it, I really do, because we have always wanted a third and it's about the time that conversation begins (and the time that feeling in my momma heart starts to think a baby sounds cute and squishy and doable again). But the thing I can't get out of my mind, the thought that chases me down and grows into a softball size lump in my chest is this: I'm not ready to have another baby because I'm not ready for my first baby to grow up. 

We have been discussing timelines and birth orders and relationships between siblings... (All of which only matters slightly since we probably won't actually be able to "schedule" when we get pregnant, I trust that God is bigger than any Type A plan I might come up with). But if I'm being honest, like 'don't-like-to-say-it-outloud-because-it-hurts-me honest,' I struggle with the timeline discussion because it always goes like this: "well if we had a baby in X amount of time, then Haddie would be X old and Titus would be X old." There are a lot of practicals that go into this 'distance between siblings' discussion (as a SAHM, can I handle 3 at home? Will Haddie be potty trained? Am I getting enough sleep currently to even consider adding an infant?) But one of my main struggles in fully committing to a third is that honestly the idea of Titus being old enough to go to school kills me and make me want to crawl into his bed every single night and sleep there forever. 

Right now we're in this sweet spot; he can communicate and obey (if he's in the right mood), play independently, he's an incredibly sweet and protective big brother and most importantly to his mommy, he thinks I've hung the moon. Every machine he builds, every "marble city" he imagines, every bedtimes story he dreams up, he's always begging me to participate in. But in just 18 more months (oh my, literally felt chest pains typing that, ugly cry about to begin) he will start school and spend more waking hours with someone else rather than me. All of his excited exclamations and creative thoughts and funny observations, those won't be exclusively mine anymore. And it kills me because even on the hardest days, that's MY baby.

So what does this have to do with the possibility of baby #3? I guess in some far off corner of my mind that is usually buried under rationality and practicality, I'm putting off thinking of baby #3 because I'm hoping baby #1 (and baby #2 when she stop feeling like a baby) will just stay little forever and always be more excited to see me than anyone else on the earth. It's easy to be in denial about how quickly your kids are growing up. But when you sign up for another pregnancy, you commit to a very firm 9 month timeline in which you know exactly what will happen: everyone, mommy, baby in utero, and older siblings, will get bigger and older. You can't help but shift attention to the newest arrival that will require so much of your time and energy in the beginning, which inevitably divides what you can offer to those around you. 

If there has been one phrase I've caught myself saying lately it's this: motherhood is weird. It's honestly such a melting pot of emotions, ranging from "I'm about to pull my hair out if you jump on my head/stomach/leg one more time" to "that giggle you've had since you were a baby will forever undo me- never, ever change." It's weird. It's everything and all the things, happening in the very same moment. You can't dissect it and you can't control it, it's an unconditional heart-bursting love while also being a crazy strong desire to be be selfish and left alone (especially when you need to use the bathroom). 

But this I know, I have less than a year and a half left with my first baby (whether we have a new baby or not) and I get to choose what those days look like. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, I'm sure some of those moments will be impatient and frustrated and angry. But my hope is that what my sweet baby boy remembers are the days when his mommy climbed under the covers at naptime and read him book after book and tickled him until neither of us could breathe anymore. That the picture in his mind would be of me building hundreds of marble towers with him and clapping and cheering when we finally got it right. That the soundtrack playing in his dreams would be daddy's record player blaring Christmas music while we dance like uncoordinated fools in the living room. 

To my forever baby; I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever. Once day you will grow up and maybe be a big brother to many, but you will always be the first to capture my heart in a way I didn't know was even possible. 

Psalm 113:9

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!

{Photos courtesy Courtney Halligan Photography}

Third Trimester

Pregnancy Update

How far along?  36 weeks

Total weight gain: 27lbs
Maternity clothes? Even those are starting to get tight. And my trusty maternity tights are making my belly itch! I'm basically living in yoga pants and maxi dresses at this point
Sleep: Ugh, the worst part right now. Because of the way Haddie is laying, it KILLS my back to lay flat for more than about an hour. So I've had to move to the couch so I can sleep sitting up. It's relatively comfortable, but I really miss my bed!
Best moment this week: We've had a couple "Sprinkles" with friends and family the last couple of weeks that have been really sweet. Haddie's room is finally finished and all her clothes (and headbands, I bought way too many) are all just waiting for her to wear them!
Miss Anything? Everything. I don't remember being so over pregnancy at this point with Titus, ha! I miss sleeping well and not having to pee constantly and most importantly, I miss my baby boy being able to snuggle on my chest and not squish my belly.
Movement: A lot more rolling than kicking now. And a lot of movement in my ribs, that's been pretty uncomfortable.
Food cravings: Mexican food! Same thing with Titus: craved it the first few weeks, couldn't stand it for most of my pregnancy, craving it again my last few weeks. And still Nutty Bars, of course ;)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Dirty diapers make me feel a little nauseous. Or throwing out old food that can't be eaten, I've actually thrown out a couple things of tupperware leftovers because the thought of washing out the old food made me feel sick
Gender: Definitely a girl! We did a 3D ultrasound around 28 weeks and the tech said she is most assuredly a she :)
Labor Signs: So different this time around! With Titus I couldn't really tell if I was ever having Braxton-Hicks, I would only ever feel an occasional tightening. Then my water broke at 37 weeks and we were very surprised! This time around I've been feeling the tightening contractions since about 26/28 weeks and since about 33 I've been having some painful ones. I now average probably 3ish an hour and they make me feel short of breath and like I really have to pee. I'm kind of excited thinking about going into labor and counting contractions instead of just having my water break. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just want to experience it both ways!
Symptoms: No heartburn this time around, thank goodness! Wonder if that means Haddie will be bald... Also not having to pee as often as I did with Titus, but that's because Haddie is transverse breach right now (sideways) so her head is not down yet to push on my bladder.
Belly Button in or out? Out
Wedding rings on or off? on-no major swelling yet
Happy or Moody most of the time: Mostly just tired. Which makes me moody, but not because of hormones necessarily
Looking forward to: Haddie flipping head down! We are praying that our sweet girl can turn down on her own. I'm currently doing some exercises at home and going to the chiropractor to try and get her to move head down. If she doesn't move by next week, we will have to do a special procedure where the doctor tries to turn her, and if none of these things work, we may end up having a c-section. But Garland frequently reminds me that the most important thing is that's she's born safe even if it's not the birth plan I imagined, and he is so right!

Here are some pictures from this trimester:

30 WEEKS

32 WEEKS

Left with Titus, right with Haddie

 33 WEEKS

 36 WEEKS

Baby #2- Second Trimester!

Everyone says your second pregnancies go by faster and they are not joking! I can't believe I'm almost to the 3rd trimester. Some days I'm super excited and can't wait to hold our sweet baby girl, other days I would be happy being pregnant for another 6-8 months :) Ready or not...

Pregnancy Update

How far along?  26 weeks

Total weight gain: 18lbs
Maternity clothes? Loving them. I could live in elastic waistbands.
Sleep: I have a hard time getting comfortable enough to fall asleep, but once I do I'm usually okay through the night. Luckily I stopped having to pee so frequently after the first trimester, but Haddie likes to party around 11 or 12, so that doesn't help with the falling asleep part. At least she doesn't wake up dancing at 5am like Titus always did during my first pregnancy!
Best moment this week: Feeling Haddie kick hard enough that everyone could feel her from the outside. Garland was able to feel her weeks ago, but they were little kicks, now they are much stronger.
Miss Anything? Not being tired all the time. No matter how much sleep I get at night I almost always still need a nap to get through the day. And sometimes I just can't hardly pull myself off the couch during the day to chase Tito around the house.
Movement: Lots! It's my favorite part of being pregnant
Food cravings: Anything with chocolate and peanut butter, milk, PB&J
Anything making you queasy or sick: Mexican food still makes me feel nauseous a lot. And for some reason vegetables/salad haven't sounded very good the last few weeks. Also the idea of cleaning the bathrooms, just thinking about it makes me gag.
Gender: Shockingly... A girl! (see here for gender reveal post)
Labor Signs: no, but I do keep dreaming about going into preterm labor which is freaking me out a little. Titus was 3 weeks early but I would be happy for Haddie to be on time (I need a little more mental prep!)
Symptoms: A little heartburn, exhausted, can't see my feet very well, sometimes hard to put pants/shoes on
Belly Button in or out? In for now, but we're getting pretty close to surface level at this point
Wedding rings on or off? on-no swelling yet
Happy or Moody most of the time: Not feeling hormonal moody hardly at all, yay! But I do cry easier during movies/sad stories/etc.
Looking forward to: Finishing the nursery (okay fine, starting the nursery)

Here's a picture at 24 weeks (sorry, I haven't taken a new one yet)

21 Months

Dear Titus,
At 21 months...

• You weigh 25 pounds.
• You wear size 4 diapers and 18 or 18-24 month clothes (18 month pants)
• You sleep from about 8:30/9 to 7:30/8 (a good schedule for us!) and take one nap from about 2:00-3:30/4:00.
• You are getting in all 4 incisor teeth, which now completes your set besides 2 year molars! You look so different with a full smile now, definitely not a baby anymore.
• You know all your letters. It's awesome and weird and scary smart all at the same time. We can show you an uppercase or lowercase letter and you can say the name probably 90% of the time. I'm not sure what made you love them so much, but maybe it just means you will really love reading and writing like mommy and daddy!
• You have finally started signing "all done" and "more" which is really cute, but since you're talking some now it's a little late (ha!).
• You are obsessed with jumping! And by jumping, I mean climbing on tables and chairs and stepping off of them. Luckily you are still such a cautious little boy that you would never, ever jump unless there was someone really close to catch you. I love how safe you are about everything!
• My favorite thing you say right now is "WooOOOww!" with the cutest little voice inflection like you are SO excited.
• You love running from one end of the house to the other. You also love pushing or pulling things through the house. We set up a blow up pool/ball pit in your room with a slide and you could play in that all day too!
• Your favorite toys right now are alphabet games on the iPad, a race car track you got for Christmas, puzzles, and absolutely any ball. You could probably play catch for hours!
• Your favorite show is still Sesame Street, but you also like Curious George, Dinosaur Train, Bubble Guppies, and anything with music that you can dance to (including commercials).
• You have become picky about your food. I don't even think it's about the food, I think you just like having an opinion. Veggies are almost always a no go, but you could eat fruit all day long. 
• If you could pick your meals for the day the menu would look like this: BREAKFAST- peanut butter waffles, strawberries, milk. SNACK- orange and some cereal. LUNCH- Hot dog with macaroni and cheese, applesauce. SNACK- Veggie Straws. DINNER- Some type of chicken and rice dish (you actually prefer grilled chicken to fried), raspberries and blueberries, yogurt.
• You LOVE bath time. When I ask if you're ready for a bath you run into the bathroom and giggle to yourself. 
• Christmas was really fun with you this year, even though you didn't understand unwrapping presents very well. Instead of ripping off the paper you would try and put the paper back in place!
• You have the most pitiful fake cry and can definitely hold a grudge. However, you have also (FINALLY) started crying real tears, so when you are actually upset I almost always cave. I took for granted 20 months of no tears, that made it a whole lot easier to ignore your tantrums!
• You are finally repeating words and increasing your vocabulary. You understand me but can't always talk back to me in ways that make sense, which is very frustrating for you.
• You love playing with your friends! You run up to Brooks and Garrison and Roz and give them giants hugs. It's so cute to see you excited!
• We have to leave the house each day or else you (and I) get stir crazy. It will be interesting to see how this works when little sister gets here!
• You started going to Mother's Day Out one morning a week and you LOVE it! I still worry every week that you will get upset, but without fail, I go to pick you up and you don't want to go home.
• You are obsessed with blowing out candles or fire in the fireplace. Even if they aren't lit, you blow on them anyway.

You are in SUCH a fun stage right now, sweet boy! We just sit around and laugh and laugh at everything you are saying and doing. It is so fun to watch your brain work as you figure things out for the first time, it's like you are really turning into a small human! You love being around Brooks' little sister Rynn, who was just born 3 weeks ago. You are incredibly sweet with her; you want to hold her and kiss her and give her high fives. I just know you are going to be the greatest big brother. If anything, I think the problem might be trying to keep you from smothering her and stealing her away from us! It's a good problem to have :) We love you to the moon and back, big brother!

Baby #2: It's A....

Hello again! Sorry for my delay in blogging, but not a whole lot has been happening in our world besides chasing a toddler and a slightly growing belly. But now, we have something to talk about!!

So a lot of you have already found out what we're having because we did an early ultrasound at 15/16 weeks and were 90% sure it was another BOY!!! A brother for Titus!

 But I wanted to wait to announce it to the world until our "official" ultrasound at 20 weeks (technically I'm 21). Anyway, boy am I glad I did because it turns out we're actually having a GIRL!!!!!!!! A SISTER for Titus!!!

Aaslksamvoawekmflsdkmcalkdsnkadsnfa;wejfn;adlsckzmsa,dkafna;skdzclmvaksjmfoweskdnfakv;ajwehf;kANSfoiq3uwfo'iklNASKD;fjvNAS:KzniweufnCL"AKjfniweskjnfsldakjfaopwieurjpiowejf;lwiejro23[iqjROiqjflksdn kjsfn; owiHR2398IWJR[O2I3URP9IQwjro[i23ujro[SDKJ FASDJFASLJFS;IJFSKJDFHKSDHFSJDFSDLJFAALS;KJAFAOWIEJFO;WJ9238UCMQR0IOWCJRMQ3WURCOIAWJR;whr~!!!!!!!!!

Yes, that is what's going on inside my head right now. We told all our close friends and family (and cell kids- girls are you surprised or what?!), so this has been an exciting announcement to say the least. We have been debating boy names for months and just couldn't settle on one, and now we know why, it's not a boy! (We are pretty sure we are set on the name we will be giving little girl Autry, but we're going to let all this news sink in before we make a final decision on the name.)

Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited or disappointed, and honestly, I'm just happy. I LOVE surprises, and this is the ultimate shocker! I was very excited about two brothers wrestling, and doing sports together, and looking alike; plus, since I'm already having to do a big boy room for Titus I was actually relieved to be able to leave the "boy" nursery mostly as is. Not to mention we already have all the clothes we need for a April baby boy! So my head is spinning a little thinking of girly nursery decor, and a whole new wardrobe, and replacing other things we have only in blue (blankets, pacifiers, shoes, etc). But overall, we could not be happier :) 

Cheers to bows, tutus, headbands, jeggings, and leopard tights!!!

The Truth about Postpartum Depression

One year ago today I was in the darkest place I could imagine.

I had given birth to Titus two months earlier and Garland had to work a summer camp in Colorado all week. The morning Garland left I held it together for about 2 hours before putting Titus to sleep in his nursery and collapsing on my bed, unable to do anything but cry. Cry isn't the right word, this was more like body-shaking-can't-catch-my-breath-wailing-like-a-feral-animal absolute sobbing. I didn't know what to do. I alternated between rocking back and forth like a lunatic and feeling unable to move,  as though I weighed 900 pounds. I kept pressing my hands to my face, like maybe if I pushed against my eyes hard enough it would force the tears back inside. Or maybe it would even pop my head like you would pop a bubble floating by, at least then I wouldn't be able to cry anymore. I was praying that Titus wouldn't wake up because I was afraid I would just pull the cover over my head even tighter and ignore the little baby in the next room. I sent a text to my friend Katelyn that said simply, "I need you." She immediately responded with, "coming right now." I laid back down, completely exhausted, and just stared at the ceiling fan as the numbness settled over me like ancient dust once again.

This, my friend, is what Postpartum Depression looks like. 

Luckily for me, we recognized the signs and symptoms quick enough that I was feeling completely back to normal within 5 months of delivery. While I had a relatively short bout with depression, I make no bones about the fact that it was by far the most difficult thing I've ever gone through in my whole life. I can tell you that one of the things that helped me immensely when this all started was hearing stories from other women who struggled with the same thing. The idea that I was not going crazy or alone in this struggle made me feel like it was possible to overcome. So because of that, I've chosen to use my blog to answer some of the most common questions I get asked about my battle with Postpartum Depression (PPD). My hope is that maybe another new mom would happen across this link and realize that there is hope and life after PPD.

When did you know something was wrong?
Nothing was wrong for the first few days. Then I started to not be able to sleep in the same room as Titus because every little noise he made gave me an adrenaline rush and a million questions rushed through my head (is he waking up? is he hungry? is he cold? is he stil breathing?). During the day when he was napping I would try to lay down in a different room and nap, but as each minute ticked by all I could think was, "I'm one minute closer to him needing me," and just could not fall asleep. After a few days of this cycle my ravenous appetite that I had gained from breast feeding dropped off drastically. I started throwing up and having diarrhea all day and could not keep any food down, I could barely even drink Gatorade. I just assumed I had a bug, but this continued for over 10 days. I would have times where I had to practically throw Titus to someone else while I was breast feeding so I could run to the bathroom and throw up. I had tons of tests done, a trip to the ER for fluids, a false guess by a doctor that it could be mastitis which resulted in a horrible pumping regiment (which only caused engorgement and leaking from too much milk), but still no solution. After all my medical tests came back negative, my trusted OB gently suggested that we should look into the possibility of PPD, which seemed absolutely absurd to me. I didn't FEEL depressed, my main problems were physical (I would even run a low-grade fever some days). How could this possibly be related to a hormone-induced depression? Not to mention it took us over a year to get pregnant, so I felt like having PPD meant that I was not grateful for the gift we had waited so long to receive. But in the end, he was absolutely right.

How did you know it was PPD and not Baby Blues?
This was the same question I kept asking myself over and over and over for the first few weeks after delivery. Baby Blues are usually classified as general emotional highs and lows that a new mom experiences within the first couple of weeks after delivery. This is a natural reaction to your body's hormones trying to adjust to no longer growing a human being inside of you! Before my PPD kicked in I had the Baby Blues, which manifested for me by having an emotional meltdown every night at 8pm. No joke, every night at 8:00 I would cry for absolutely no reason, I wasn't even sad! I talked to a lot of other moms who said they experienced the same thing at different times during the day.

I knew I had something greater than Baby Blues when I was having trouble getting "mushy gushy" over Titus. I had this desperate need to take care of and protect him, but I didn't really have that, "Oh my gosh, my heart could burst from love!" feeling that so many moms described. I tried to casually mention this to other moms without giving myself away completely, but it seemed like no one quite understood what I was trying to describe, so I stopped telling anyone how I really felt. This coupled with the physical symptoms made me realize that something extraordinary was happening to me.

What's the difference between Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) and PPD? Did you have both?
I would say that I mostly had Postpartum Anxiety with some PPD, but they generally go hand in hand. Since I was so anxious about Titus eating enough, and breastfeeding not going well, I wasn't sleeping hardly at all. The thing about sleep is that you need it not just to keep from being exhausted, but to give your body time to regenerate the things it has used up during wake times. One of these things is Serotonin, which is the chemical that creates the calming and happy feeling in your brain and is made while you sleep. If you don't sleep, you don't make Serotonin, and you can't feel at ease and happy. When the PPA would kick in, my heart would race without explanation throughout the day. No matter how exhausted I was, I would lay down and try to nap and feel like I had drank 6 cups of coffee. The best way to describe it is to say it was like I had no "off switch," I could not figure out how to make my brain power down and relax. The less I slept -> the less Serotonin I made -> the less relaxed I was -> the less I was able to sleep... and so the cycle continued. Eventually that lack of Serotonin also caused the crash in my emotional state, resulting in the depression on top of the anxiety.

Does PPD look the same for everyone?
No, it does not. For me, it was mostly numbness. I couldn't make myself feel anything toward Titus to the degree that I longed for. I just wanted to curl up in bed and not exist. I never had suicidal thoughts, I just didn't want to be where I was. The funny thing was, I also didn't want to be anywhere else. Thinking about leaving the house made my anxiety just as bad as thinking about staying in it. I was stuck. I just didn't want to BE anymore.
I have talked to women who did feel suicidal though, and others have even had thoughts of harming their baby. One friend of mine told me she would stare at a painting of bubbles in her bedroom and wish she could just disappear into it. Another mentioned she never consciously wanted to hurt herself but when she would go to sleep she would dream of ways to commit suicide and wake up panicking because she didn't want to do that. Yet another friend told me she would have horrible panic attacks whenever her husband left the house. She thought she might be having a heart attack and had to go to the ER because she would black out.
These things are all out of your control, it's a hormone-based brain response that is happening whether you want it to or not. However, if you are experiencing ANY thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby (even subconsciously you need to see your doctor right away.

When did it start getting better?
Once I accepted and acknowledged that I had PPD it was much easier to work on getting better. 

• My mom came down from Missouri whenever she could and I had her read the bible to me, or write down and post scripture in different places. A lot of people don't understand that if you are depressed and feel unable to connect with God, it's not necessarily from lack of trying. As much as I wanted to feel connected to Christ, I was numb in that area too. But when I would hear God's words spoken aloud I just cried, it was the only thing that could create a true emotional reaction in me.
• I started forcing myself to only think one hour at a time instead of focusing on the overwhelmingness of making it through a whole day or week. I would tell myself, "just make it through this nap time" or "Garland gets home in an hour, you can make it til then."
• I made myself get out of the house even if it was just going on a walk or to the mall. Even though I got extremely anxious about things going wrong when I left the house, it was a good reminder that the world had not ended and one day I would be a part of "normal life" again.
• Garland made me run to Sonic or get a pedicure or just go read at the park 3-4 times a week. The time away from Titus was stressful but also helped me to realize he would be fine if I wasn't there every second of the day.
• I tried to have someone with me at all times. Even though I was capable of taking care of Titus myself, I felt a huge burden lifted when someone was there. Katelyn Graves was my lifeline. She stopped whatever she was doing as soon as she got my call and would bring her laptop over and work from my house for entire days. She didn't even have to do anything, she just sat there beside me while I held a sleeping baby and watched tv and I had this overwhelmingly joyous urge to yell, I AM NOT ALONE. I will never in my whole life be able to explain to her the amount of gratefulness I have for how selfless she was during that time.
• Lastly, I talked with my doctor and decided to start taking the lowest dose possible of an anxiety medicine. This is a personal choice and I would never tell anyone to start medicine if they don't feel comfortable with it, but I know that for me it helped immensely. It took about 4 weeks to fully kick in, but I could notice things changes in about 2 weeks (read about that moment here). I stayed on it for 3 months and then just forgot to take the pill for a few days and that was that.

Are you worried about having it with your next baby?
Sometimes I do wonder about what will happen with our next child. Women who have suffered from PPD have a 50% chance of having it again (the average woman has only a 15-20% chance). I pray about it anytime we discuss having another child. It is definitely not a situation that I am in a hurry to revisit, but I know that I can't let the fear of a possibility rule my world. My God is bigger than any darkness and prepared a way out of the pit for me once, so I have no reason to think he could not do that again. I praise Him for the doctors, friends, and family that he sent me as individual ropes to tie around my waist and lift me when I was too weak to climb out myself.

So if you or someone you know is suffering from depression, please remember that it is a real thing but it doesn't have to be EVERYthing.

I waited patiently for God to help me; then He listened and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, of praises to our God. Now many will hear of the glorious things He did for me, and stand in awe before the Lord, and put their trust in Him. 
Psalms 40:1-3

My Best 154 Days

A friend of mine recently posted about Taylor Swift's new song "Ronan" which she wrote about a little boy who lost his battle with cancer at the tender age of four. I, of course, couldn't help my curiosity (even though I know these types of things make me an emotional wreck for hours/days afterward) and googled the story. I found the blog written by Ronan's mommy, Maya, where she had penned the story of her sweet boy and his hard fought battle. I read all about her love for Ronan and her guilt that she couldn't save him and her genuine belief that even up until the very last second, they would receive a miracle. Then (just to torture myself) I looked up the video of Taylor Swift singing the song at the Stand Up 2 Cancer benefit. Taylor (we're on a first name basis) had taken bits and pieces from her conversations with Maya and excerpts from her blog and composed a song from Maya's point of view. She sang of ghost memories of Ronan still dancing in the house and how she could still feel his hand in hers and of the moment she gave him permission to let go. And most importantly, she sang about how lucky she was to have even gotten a single day with him, singing, "You were my best four years."

I was already sobbing from reading the blog (I only made it through 1.5 posts and one picture of sweet Ronan) and this really sent me over the edge. I'm talking, kneeling on the floor and praying to my sweet Savior to hold this family close. I just prayed over and over again that he would bring them comfort and thanked him for my little blessing asleep in the next room.

It seems that since Titus became a part of our lives these stories are happening more frequently, although I'm sure they happened before him. I just have a heightened awareness now because as a mommy you cannot help but think, "What would I do if that were my sweet baby?" When I was pregnant a couple that is in Community Group with close friends of ours lost their toddler in his sleep with no explanation (Hill Family Blog). Another couple lost their baby at 23 weeks pregnant after already knowing the gender and having the name picked out. My Facebook newsfeed seems to be covered with Pages dedicated to precious babies who are fighting or have lost their fight to different syndromes and diseases. Most recently, some good friends of ours delivered their baby early due to complications and our gracious Lord has given her the chance to live (Kaundart Family).

Half of me screams AVOID! AVOID! as soon as I see these stories, but the other half quietly whispers "Life is but a breath," and reminds me to cherish every second I have with Titus. There are so many moments that we were not promised and yet we were given anyway.
Moments like when we were finally able to get pregnant and he grew big and healthy in mommy's tummy. When he was born and his arms flailed around wildly and his lungs filled with air. The first time that he smiled and his eyes changed completely, like they learned how to glitter. When he first used his jumper and his tiny world was filled with joy. The many times he has snuggled into my chest when he is sleepy. His old man laugh that is so infectious. All the bath times where he has kicked his feet and surprised himself when he splashes water in his face. The moments he stares at me with his big blue eyes when I'm feeding him like I am the only person in the whole world.
All of these are gifts.

Titus has been with us for 154 days now.
My best 154 days.

Maternity Pics: Better Late than Never!

So I may not be pregnant anymore, but I couldn't miss the chance to share with you the beautiful maternity pictures that Brooke Robinson took for us! She is an unbelievably wonderful woman and a great photographer to boot! You can check out her other photos at brookerobinson.com. Enjoy!

The Birth Story

Here is the birth story!

On April 10th I was 37 1/2 weeks pregnant and at 12:30 am my water broke while I was sleeping. It was just like being in a movie! Just a little bit of water leaked out so I went to the bathroom and prayed that if this was the real deal God would make it obvious. Sure enough, I stood up and the leak turned into a steady stream. I woke Garland up (who handled the whole situation like a champ, definitely the calm one of the two of us!) and we started packing our last minute items (we already had a lot of stuff packed). We checked into triage around 1:15 and they had me do a test to make sure my water broke. This was ironic because in the minutes I spent waiting for the test to be done a puddle had formed around my ankles because I was leaking so much fluid! At 2am they finally cleared us for full-on labor and measured me at 1cm dilated and 0% effaced (at this point we knew it would be a long day). We moved to a Labor and Delivery room and starting making all the calls to the grandparents and sending texts to our friends.

We tried to sleep some throughout the night, but between the uncomfortable couch for Garland and the contractions I was having, we didn't even get a wink (we were way too excited). The grandparents started showing up around 3am and we were having a really happening party! By 7am I had not progressed any so they decided to start Pitocin and estimated that I would be in labor for at least another 8-10 hours. I made it through about an hour of Pitocin contractions before asking for the epidural and this was a GREAT decision! I could feel my legs but I didn't feel any pain, and I thought getting my IV put in hurt much worse than getting my epidural put in (I say "to each their own" when it comes to deciding on whether to use pain meds during labor or not, but I will tell you this, if you are going to have a long labor or if they have to use induction meds, I would DEFINITELY recommend it!). Another benefit of the epidural: It killed my appetite, which was a total blessing because the only thing making me grumpy at this point was being hungry and eating only ice chips!

Fast forward to 10am and I had progressed to a 2.5 and 70% effaced. By noon I have reached a 4 and 90%, so things were beginning to move quicker (the nurse said getting to 4 is the longest part). Here is where we enter what I now refer to as "the dark hours." I started feeling some pain from my contractions (which I hadn't felt since I got the epidural) and called the nurse in, who said it wasn't unusual to start feeling a little pain as the contractions progressed. She hooked me up to the epidural push pump and told me I could pump extra medicine every 15 minutes into my direct epidural line for an extra kick. I started pushing the button but for the next 45 minutes the pain only got progressively worse. At this point the pain was getting so strong that we kicked everyone out of the room, turned off the lights, and Garland and I sat there in the dark breathing through the contractions. The anesthesiologist came in after this had been going on for two hours and checked the push pump, which was working fine. He then gave me a speech that can basically be summarized as, "labor can be painful, you probably just have low pain tolerance and need to suck it up." As he was leaving, he turned to the nurse and said we should check to make sure the epidural line was still in my back, as a few and far between times he had seen it fall out. Sure enough, they flipped me over and all the epidural medicine was pooled under the tape and the epidural line wasn't in my back whatsoever. At this point I'm having contractions every minute to minute and a half and I'm bent over the bed waiting for him to reinsert it and he decides NOW is a good time to mull over how it came out. He kept asking if we'd shoved a pillow down by my back or moved the blanket weird and I just wanted to scream WHO THE FREAK CARES PUT IT BACK IN!!! They finally put it back and within 15 minutes I felt relief. They measured me right after that (at 2:30pm) and I was at a 7 and 90% (from what I've been told from other moms, contractions at a 7 while on Pitocin are nothing to sneeze at. This actually secured my choice to get an epidural because I got to experience labor without medicine and liked it much better before!).


By 3:30 the party was back on and I was feeling great again, so I was really surprised when the nurse told me I was at a 10 and 100% and we were ready for Titus to get here! AHHHHHH!!!!! Everyone left the room and they put me in the stirrups and it was all I could do to keep from giggling because I was so nervous and was I really going to push a baby out of me?! The nurse started me on my pushes and after about 10 minutes my doctor arrived (I got lucky and delivered during the day so I got to deliver with my prenatal doctor). Once Dr. Mason had me pushing things got a little strange. From the combination of low blood pressure, not eating for 20 hours, and not sleeping, I started having what they call "vasovagal episodes" which is a fancy name for my heart rate dropping so low I would pass out. Y'all, I was PASSING OUT DURING LABOR. It was the strangest thing, I would be pushing and when I would wake up only a couple of seconds would have passed, but I would just hear my doctor saying, "You HAVE to push." Garland told me later that when I would pass out my head would fall back to my pillow and he just thought I was giving up! Ha! I finally worked up the words to tell them I was passing out and my doctor gave me a couple more breaths between pushes and I didn't pass out any more after the first 3 times.


At 4:16pm after 18 minutes of pushing Titus James Autry was born into the world with a head of hair that would make a grown man jealous. He was born face up and came out so fast that Dr. Mason literally had to drop to a knee to catch him because he FELL. OUT. Titus was 6lb 3oz, 18 inches long, and I will forever remember praying for that first cry. I can't say enough about how incredible my husband was throughout the whole process, he did exactly what I needed him to do and was an amazing daddy from the first moment on. While they were stitching me up (I turned to my doctor in my delusion and said, "Okay doc, what's the damage?" he told me I had a 2nd degree tear which I was glad I couldn't feel!) Garland went and stood with Titus and the nurses and brought pictures to me on his iphone. I had tears streaming down my face and just kept praising our faithful God for giving us this baby we had prayed so long to be able to conceive.


I don't think I have ever been more thankful in my whole life than in that moment.

The First Two Weeks

Warning: This blog includes details of how a woman's body responds to delivery and breast feeding. Everything is strictly scientific and PG, but don't read on if it freaks you out!

Some people might get to the two week mark with their newborn and say, "I can't believe it's already been two weeks!" But maybe there are some of you out there that have felt like me and it seems like the first two weeks of mommyhood has lasted 6 months. It's not a reflection of love (or lack thereof) for my son, but rather a statement about how difficult it is to become a parent. Let me explain.

My labor and delivery experience was incredible (I'll blog the birth story soon) and I would do it five times over (all 16 hours) to have been able to skip the last 14 days. I know this sounds harsh, but I want to be really honest with myself about my personal journey with Titus. We went home 24 hours after delivery (first mistake, stay in the hospital the extra day if you have a tear or a long labor). The first couple of days were SO EASY. Titus had to be woken up every 3 hours to feed and went right back to sleep after a perfect 15 minute colostrum feeding (colostrum is the milky substance you make before your real milk comes in). My mom was staying with us to help, I wasn't to the point of exhaustion yet, and it was still fun to have friends come over.

Fast forward to day 5, my milk comes in. Without getting too graphic, I'll just say that I suffered from MAJOR engorgement and it was AWFUL (engorgement is what happens to the breasts when the milk comes in- it makes them tender, hard, and huge. It's incredibly uncomfortable). I would wake up at all hours in the night because they were so tight and sore and constantly leaked throughout the day. I had to use hot compresses before I fed to help my milk let down and then either hand express or pump to relieve some of the pressure. Then while I was feeding, my milk would let down so fast I had to constantly take Titus off and burp him/do more hand expressing because he was drowning in milk. When I finally finished feeding him I would have to use ice packs to bring down the swelling. This process happened with every feeding for about 4 days straight. I also had a 2nd degree tear, so walking and sitting were uncomfortable and I had a pretty stringent routine for taking care of my stitches which took a lot of time throughout the day.

At this point, it was starting to be less fun. We cut back on visitors. I cried every night at 8pm on the dot (another blog on baby blues to come soon). I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I was so uncomfortable because of engorgement that I had thoughts about quitting breast feeding altogether. But, we were making it and Garland was incredible (again, I can't wait to blog about how wonderful he's been!), so I was just trying to make it past the first two weeks, everyone kept teling me it got better if I could just make it to day 15.

Then I got sick. Really sick. On day 5 I started having nausea, low grade fever, diarrhea and completely lost my appetite (I was barely able to keep down a little apple sauce or toast for the whole day). This lasted all day and night (alongside the engorgement) until day 8 when I started vomiting uncontrollably and couldn't even keep down fluids. I called my doctor and they called me in some anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea medicine with the diagnosis of a stomach virus. I continued to throw up everything, including fluids, and it got to the point where my doctor told me if I couldn't keep down fluids by 6pm that night, they were checking me in to the hospital. At 5:45 I dry heaved but was able to keep down my gatorade so we decided to stay home. I want to be transparent at this point and say that I was ready to be checked in, I was just too tired to deal with it anymore. The only blessing was my engorgement went down and my breasts returned to normal feeling so I stopped my engorgement routine, giving me a little more time to sleep.

By day 10 (5 days into being sick) I was no longer throwing up but still not eating hardly anything and feeling nauseous with a fever. I went in to the doctor and they gave me a full check to make sure I didn't have an infection from the delivery or mastitis (an infection of the breast tissue from feeding)-everything checked out but I was so nauseous and weak they sent me to the ER for an IV drip and more testing. Everything came back normal and they sent me home where I felt hungry for the first time all week. I snacked all night and felt like things were finally looking up.

Welcome days 11-13 (over a week of being sick), and the cycle of nausea, fever, stomach cramps, feeling fine, feeling hungry, and losing my appetite completely. I was so frustrated because they didn't know what was wrong and I wouldn't stay better consistently. One day I would feel great, two hours later I would feel awful. During all this, Titus started having trouble feeding (he would grunt and strain like he was having gas during a feeding and it would take an hour for him to feed for 20 minutes) and the lactation consultant helped me to realize I needed to pump off my fast let-down milk before feeding him because his digestive system couldn't handle how quickly he was filling with milk.

The day before his two week check up my doctor finally decided to put me back on the strict breast feeding regiment (heat pads, pre-feed pumping, post-feed pumping to empty the breasts, ice packs to reduce swelling) that I had done during engorgement in case I had a blocked duct. Finally, I started to feel actually hungry for the first time in over a week. I ate a real meal and even had some ice cream for dessert. Even though it adds 15 minutes of pre-work to my feedings, it has been worth it because I finally feel better and Titus feeds better.

I can't explain how hard it has been emotionally, physically, and spiritually to get through this first two weeks. I love my son so much and he really is a pretty easy baby, but not even that could make up for this upheaval of lifestyle. I know for sure that I have been broken over the last 14 days and the Lord is my strength and my salvation forever. He has sustained me and has set my feet on solid ground. When all else had failed, my Savior remained the same.

31 Weeks!

Is this really happening?! I cannot believe I am already 31 weeks! I have all three of my showers in the next two weeks and I am so excited to see what Titus is going to get from our friends and family. And on top of all the shower goodies we will be getting in the bedding, curtains, pillows, changing table pad, and wall decor (more on this to come) in the next week or so. I can't wait to get this nursery put all the way together! It's crazy to think that by the time Spring Break comes I will be 6 weeks away from delivery and everything will be (hopefully) completely ready for little man's arrival...

Pregnancy Update

How far along? 31 Weeks

Total weight gain: 20 lbs gained (on par to gain 28-30, depending on amount of Nutty Bars consumed in the next 9 weeks)
Maternity clothes? definitely maternity jeans and leggings (love me some leggings), and about 50/50 on tops. The major bonus to maternity tops are that they are long enough to cover my belly; if I'm wearing regular shirts they have to be reallllly long.
Sleep: I slept great up until about 28 weeks, now I just have trouble getting comfortable, especially when I get back in bed after peeing. My back hurts and it feels like my stomach alone weighs about 35 lbs... Unisom is great though! When I take it I sleep really great, but I don't take it very often because it can make me groggy the next day.
Best moment this week: Having a shower with my cell group girls! They are so sweet and got me some really great stuff!
Miss Anything? Coke and sweets... I've had to cut back since my glucose tests said my body doesn't process sugar well while I'm pregnant (and of course it is all I crave!). Also not having to wash my hands a million times a day! Since I've quadrupled my bathroom trips I also have quadrupled my hand washing, so annoying!
Movement: lots of movement! It has definitely transitioned from little jabs to rolling movements of elbows and knees and whatnot. And I'm definitely able to see him moving; if I set my phone or remote on my tummy it bounces with his movements.
Food cravings: Coke, asian food, strawberries, bananas, cupcakes (or really any cake, lets be honest), cheese bread and marinara
Anything making you queasy or sick: I'm really sensitive to smells in general, so anything stinky. Greasy Mexican food. Also green veggies? Normally I love cucumber, broccoli, asparagus, etc... but right now those all sound really awful to me! I do still like salad though.
Gender: Better still be a boy! 
Labor Signs: HA, no thankfully!
Symptoms: A little heartburn, backache, waddling, LOTS of peeing
Belly Button in or out? still in! The lip of the actual button sometimes makes it look like something is sticking out, but this button is holding on for dear life.
Wedding rings on or off? on-my hands swell occasionally, but only when I am walking and then they go back to normal.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy-80%, Irrationally Sad/Crying- 5%, Irrationally angry- 5%, Just Plain Tired-10%
Looking forward to: getting the nursery completed. I will be so happy when I see a complete setup to welcome Titus home! I know I still have plenty of time, but the nesting has really kicked in and I'm definitely ready to get everything in its place...

Weeks 10-30