A Season for Everything

Do you ever feel like you just have so much on your plate you don't even know where to begin? As a mom of toddlers, I feel like I'm constantly forgetting things and dropping the ball. But every parent who's a life stage ahead of me says you shouldn't expect for it to slow down; kids grow bigger and they get busier. The big picture can be overwhelming, I don't even always know what to tackle first on my to-do list. The questions start swarming in my head and I feel like I need 50 hours in a day instead of 24. 

Am I teaching my kids good character?  Do I participate enough in my husband's ministry job? Should I play a more active role in our church? Am I exercising enough? Am I eating healthy enough? Will God allow us to have another baby? If we can even get pregnant, how tight will our budget be with three kids while I'm staying home? Should I go back to work? Should we sign the kids up for sports already? Should I lead a small group? Am I teaching my kids about volunteering and serving others? Should I continue pursuing a career in graphic design after the kids are in school? Or do something with more of a steady income? When will I have time to finish all these house projects? Am I modeling how deal with hard things to my kids? What am I doing with the specific gifts God has given me? What are we going to do about the broken dishwasher? Should I be discipling more young women? How are we going to pay this bill? Am I meeting my husband's needs? Have I even seen him much this week or have things been too crazy? What even are my needs right now? When will I have time to do all this laundry and clean the house? HOW WILL I FIND TIME FOR ALL THESE THINGS??

Spinning, spinning, spinning.

So many questions, so many directions. And then it hits me, I'll never be able to solve all those questions and problems in a given week/month/year. But here's a question I can focus on:

What is my God-given purpose in THIS season? 

For each of us, this is different. For all of us, it's important. 

Some of you may have read that and known IMMEDIATELY what your God-given purpose is in this season. Some of you may have had a lightbulb moment that this is exactly why you feel so lost, you're unsure of what task you should be focusing on. Both of those are ok. Now is when you allow yourself time to think it over.

For me, once I posed the question and cleared out the clutter in my mind, it was pretty clear. I feel very peaceful about being home with my kids, that is a very specific role and list of duties that I can nail down. For this season, I need to focus on helping Titus learn to express his emotions in a healthy way and how to problem solve instead of exploding. He's having way fewer of his out-of-control tantrums, and I really believe that is happening because I've been home with him and his life is consistent. This is my purpose.

God gave me that little boy and knew I would make a great mommy for him, that I could handle the outbursts and love him through it; that I could calm him down and bring him comfort like no one else. This is my purpose. 

That when he wants to start screaming because he's unable to put into words how he feels, he needs me to look him in the eyes and explain things to him in an adult manner that most people don't use for kids, because he's unique and it works for him. This is my purpose. 

To tie shoes and brush hair and cut up apples because sometimes, you're too small to do things on your own. This is my purpose. 

To sit down with my kids and tickle them and teach them that joy can trump all other emotions if you let it. This is my purpose. 

To empower my little girl to be more than pretty by showering her with compliments about how she's smart and funny and silly and sweet and brave. This is my purpose. 

To teach them that sometimes, life isn't all about you. They don't know how much I serve them now, but one day they will look back and realize the sacrifices I have made (just like I did with my mom) and that sometimes loving someone means putting their needs first. This is my purpose. 

That's mine. Yours is yours. None is better, none is worse. There are so many things I could be doing or focusing on. But when you try to juggle them all, no one person or thing gets your full ability. I feel so much clearer when I let the other things fall away and lean into my purpose in this stage.

There will come a time for all the rest, because there is a season for everything. A season for laughter and dancing, a season for mourning and tears. A season for hard work and a season for respite. A season for speaking many words and a season for speaking few while we hear others instead. A season for health and a season where your body doesn't act or look how you want. A season for serving others and a season for recognizing your own needs. A season for your anger and a season for offering forgiveness. A season for pushing through trials and a season for relishing the good days. A season of recognition and a season of humble selflessness. A season for independence and a season for vulnerability. A season to celebrate new life and a season to let go in death. A season to cry out in anguish and a season to cry out in praise.

But not all of those have to be accomplished all at once.

For me, this is a season of service, sacrifice, and nurturing. Realizing my God-given purpose for this season doesn't make all of those other questions magically disappear. And it definitely doesn't mean there won't be a season in the future where my God-given purpose is directed at one of them. But it does make me feel washed over in grace to know I can focus on the task at hand and set a more realistic bar for what is expected of me.

When Are You Going to Have Another Baby?

Titus is 3.5 years old and Haddie is 1.5 years old and we have reached the point when people start asking us, "soooo.... Are you thinking about having another baby?" I get it, I really do, because we have always wanted a third and it's about the time that conversation begins (and the time that feeling in my momma heart starts to think a baby sounds cute and squishy and doable again). But the thing I can't get out of my mind, the thought that chases me down and grows into a softball size lump in my chest is this: I'm not ready to have another baby because I'm not ready for my first baby to grow up. 

We have been discussing timelines and birth orders and relationships between siblings... (All of which only matters slightly since we probably won't actually be able to "schedule" when we get pregnant, I trust that God is bigger than any Type A plan I might come up with). But if I'm being honest, like 'don't-like-to-say-it-outloud-because-it-hurts-me honest,' I struggle with the timeline discussion because it always goes like this: "well if we had a baby in X amount of time, then Haddie would be X old and Titus would be X old." There are a lot of practicals that go into this 'distance between siblings' discussion (as a SAHM, can I handle 3 at home? Will Haddie be potty trained? Am I getting enough sleep currently to even consider adding an infant?) But one of my main struggles in fully committing to a third is that honestly the idea of Titus being old enough to go to school kills me and make me want to crawl into his bed every single night and sleep there forever. 

Right now we're in this sweet spot; he can communicate and obey (if he's in the right mood), play independently, he's an incredibly sweet and protective big brother and most importantly to his mommy, he thinks I've hung the moon. Every machine he builds, every "marble city" he imagines, every bedtimes story he dreams up, he's always begging me to participate in. But in just 18 more months (oh my, literally felt chest pains typing that, ugly cry about to begin) he will start school and spend more waking hours with someone else rather than me. All of his excited exclamations and creative thoughts and funny observations, those won't be exclusively mine anymore. And it kills me because even on the hardest days, that's MY baby.

So what does this have to do with the possibility of baby #3? I guess in some far off corner of my mind that is usually buried under rationality and practicality, I'm putting off thinking of baby #3 because I'm hoping baby #1 (and baby #2 when she stop feeling like a baby) will just stay little forever and always be more excited to see me than anyone else on the earth. It's easy to be in denial about how quickly your kids are growing up. But when you sign up for another pregnancy, you commit to a very firm 9 month timeline in which you know exactly what will happen: everyone, mommy, baby in utero, and older siblings, will get bigger and older. You can't help but shift attention to the newest arrival that will require so much of your time and energy in the beginning, which inevitably divides what you can offer to those around you. 

If there has been one phrase I've caught myself saying lately it's this: motherhood is weird. It's honestly such a melting pot of emotions, ranging from "I'm about to pull my hair out if you jump on my head/stomach/leg one more time" to "that giggle you've had since you were a baby will forever undo me- never, ever change." It's weird. It's everything and all the things, happening in the very same moment. You can't dissect it and you can't control it, it's an unconditional heart-bursting love while also being a crazy strong desire to be be selfish and left alone (especially when you need to use the bathroom). 

But this I know, I have less than a year and a half left with my first baby (whether we have a new baby or not) and I get to choose what those days look like. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, I'm sure some of those moments will be impatient and frustrated and angry. But my hope is that what my sweet baby boy remembers are the days when his mommy climbed under the covers at naptime and read him book after book and tickled him until neither of us could breathe anymore. That the picture in his mind would be of me building hundreds of marble towers with him and clapping and cheering when we finally got it right. That the soundtrack playing in his dreams would be daddy's record player blaring Christmas music while we dance like uncoordinated fools in the living room. 

To my forever baby; I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever. Once day you will grow up and maybe be a big brother to many, but you will always be the first to capture my heart in a way I didn't know was even possible. 

Psalm 113:9

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!

{Photos courtesy Courtney Halligan Photography}

A Prayer for My Son

Today has been one of those days. From the moment he woke up my three year old was unsatisfied and disobedient. He didn't want anything I suggested for breakfast, slow and distracted when picking up toys so we could go to Mother's Day Out, followed by kicking and screaming in his car seat.

After school I took him to Target to get a birthday present with his gift card and he cried and yelled at me the majority of the time. On the way to the car he hit his baby sister for no reason and then melted down when he got scolded. I knew he needed some positive attention but if we could just make it home first...

Then comes the biggest battle of all, nap time. Yelling and crying and demanding of longer cuddles and more stories... My skin was crawling to get out of there before I let my frustration get the best of me. So I did what has to happen sometimes, I kissed him and told him I loved him then tucked him in before leaving the room. I could tell he wanted me to stay longer and was still a little upset, but I had already used up all my parenting energy.

I went to my own room and sat down on my bed and started venting to the Lord about how hard being a mom is sometimes. I feel like I'm constantly failing, constantly needing to be better, more patient, more fun. But in the midst of my pity-party I realized that I'm focusing on the wrong things. My kids won't remember the times I snapped at them or the tone in my voice when they weren't listening, they'll remember the moments I loved them, which is a majority of our moments. They'll remember how I laid in bed with them and sang hymns before they went to sleep. Or the times I bought him popcorn at Target and let him share my drink. And the countless silly faces I made at him in the rear view mirror to try and make him giggle. In the long run, it will be our shared joy, not my weak moments of impatience, that will become his best memories.

So I went back in his room where he was still somewhat tearful and I climbed into my big three year old's bed with a renewed energy. He looked up at me and in his sweet little voice said, "mama, hold me like a baby." So I did. And I fell in love with my baby all over again. I held him and gently brushed the hair out of his face with my fingers. He held my hand and I watched his eyes start to flutter as he fought the inevitable heaviness of sleep. I took his hand in my hand and when his fingers curled around mine I let my prayers wash over his sweet little body. Teach him to be truly loving to those around him. Let him stand up for others and never make anyone feel small. Allow him to be patient instead of angry. Grow him into a man of character. But most importantly, teach him to love YOU, Jesus. Share with him Your irresistible grace.

And then it was time for my own prayers. Please make me more gracious. Make me patient and forgiving. Remind me of his tender spirit when the anger and frustration starts to rise up inside of me. Make me kinder, overwhelmed by my love for him and not my frustration. Allow me to soak in these moments, take advantage of this closing window where he still wants to fall asleep wrapped in my arms. And most of all, remind me to be forgiving of myself; his memories of childhood will not be my sigh of exasperation or my snappiness when he disobeyed for the hundredth time, but it will be moments like this where I loved him when he needed it most.

-Sarah

A Humbled Heart

I have been quite a bit about my own pride over the past few weeks. Really, it's more a lesson in humility than anything, but the two are irrevocably tied together. I feel like so often I know I need to work on this area or that, I read scripture and sing songs and pray that I can be more like Jesus and less like myself. But this, THIS is different. Because this has been one of those rare times when without seeking it, the Lord has just demanded a heart change. Not that this probably wasn't a long time coming, but when Jesus decides that you need to be sharpened (and softened) there is no resisting. 

So here are my lessons in humility, in only as much detail as necessary so as to keep the focus on God's journey in repurposing me instead of my individual story. 

1) Humility through Under Appreciation

I have been faced with a few interactions over the last couple of months that left me feeling greatly under appreciated, and because Satan would love to justify my sin of relying on the approval of others, I initially masked my pride with anger. "How dare you?! Look at all I've done for you, and all you want is to ask for more? What gives you the right? If anything, you should be THANKING me for what I've done. I'm not going to do anything else for you until you acknowledge how much you need me and how great I am."

Pride demands recognition and awards. 

Humility serves quietly in the background. 

2) Humility through Forgiveness

You ever have an argument with someone you really care about and even though it's not easy for you, you hold your temper and apologize? Pride demands a pat on the back for that. And if that apology or kind words aren't reciprocated? Pride tells you to cut the relationship off, let them come to you if they want to make things right! You did your part, you offered the olive branch. For heaven's sake, don't GROVEL. 

But humility sees things differently. Humility says to forgive, to empathize, to think of others instead of yourself. Humility says it's not good enough to just be the "bigger person" and apologize first, but instead to seek reconciliation to its completion. Humility says to forgive without expectations of receiving forgiveness or an attitude of humility in return. 

Pride insists on everything being equal. 

Humility is never interested in winners and losers. 

3) Humility through Immaturity

Recently, I have been lucky enough to have my path intersect with some wonderful women who are older and wiser than me, and for the purpose of this post, much MUCH more humble. Women who truly have very little interest in self-promotion. Women who seek the Lord's counsel in everything, even something as small as posting an Instagram pic (or publishing a blog post). Women who are quick to admit they are still a work in progress and imperfect in many ways.  

The more time I spend with them the more I recognize that I am a closet know-it-all, feigning the passion for growth but always ready to prove how grown I already am. This is especially hard for me as a pastor's wife, because sometimes I feel that there is a higher expectation of "holiness" that I am required to meet. And that expectation allows for pride to take root in my heart with the need to prove to everyone that I won't let them down, that I AM super holy. But in the end, this doesn't prove anything except that the Cross is the only holy thing about me, without it I am incredibly broken and in need of saving. 

Pride doesn't care about age or life experience, it already knows everything and is always right. 

Humility is insatiably teachable, always looking for an opportunity to learn and look more like Christ. 

The thing is, I like being right. And I like winning, oh my GOODNESS how much I like winning. Which is exactly why I know that this lesson in humility would have never been my idea. To be completely honest, there have been many, many tears shed on this journey. Why am I not being treated the way I feel I deserve? Why do I keep having to be the bigger person all the time? Why does it feel like I'm the ONLY person choosing to be humble? It's just NOT FAIR (and I really, really like things to be fair. I'm a middle child, justice is my domain). But there is no scale in God's book measuring the goodness of me verses other people. The only scale He is using measures my character against the character of Jesus and I am sorely off balance. 

In the end, this painful lesson in humility is God's way of evening the scales, His way of nudging my side a little closer to Jesus; narrowing not only the gap between his character and mine, but also between who I thought I was and who I really am. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10

Be kind. Seek compassion.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it.
-Avett Brothers

The death of actor and comedian Robin Williams has left me feeling brokenhearted on so many levels. The first of which is the simple fact that I can identify with his depression and understand the cloudiness that becomes your rational thought process while you are in the thick of it. During my relatively short bouts with Postpartum Depression after the births of both my children, I experienced an array of feelings that were completely abnormal for me, ranging from deep and uncontrollable sorrow to a choking feeling of desperation and a lot of times just a complete numbness, like I'd fallen asleep on my brain and it went numb like an arm or a foot.
I personally never had thoughts of suicide, but I did have moments where I just wanted to stop time and not exist. I couldn't leave my house but I didn't want to stay. I wished I'd never had children and thought my life would end without them. It's a daily battle of inconsistencies that cannot be explained or understood, even by the person experiencing it.

So my request is simple:
If you have never battled depression, seek compassion in this moment for those around you. Author Wendy Mass wrote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." Her words could not ring more true in this scenario. Even someone who lives their whole life and builds a career out of bringing joy to others may be themselves, joyless. BE KIND. SEEK COMPASSION. Take the loss of this beloved man and learn from it. Those around you may be waiting for someone, ANYONE, to ask them how they're doing. And not just ask, but LISTEN. Be that person.

There is a darkness that accompanies depression that only the individual can sense, and there is nothing more isolating in the world than to feel like you are lost and alone in the deep. It's murky and you're drowning and it's exhausting to just EXIST some days...
and I think some people just get tired of swimming.


Be kind. Seek compassion. For everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Photo courtesy of Ashley Tanaka

-Sarah Autry

I'm Not Who I Was

I'll be coming up on my 10 year high school reunion before too long and I got to thinking the other day about how different I am now. I'm not sure who would see more of a contrast, myself or the people that I went to high school with. I catch myself thinking all the time, "man, I would have never done ______ in high school."
-For instance, in high school I sang at church, but I liked the songs that had a lot of scales and a large range with a key change in there somewhere. Nowadays I would always choose an acoustic song with little emphasis on my voice and a lot of emphasis on powerful lyrics.
-In high school I would try to sneak out of the house in the shortest skirt possible because I wanted to feel wanted. Now I have a husband who finds me unconditionally beautiful and a Savior who has made me beautiful from the inside out.
-In high school I was sometimes incredibly rude, hateful, and snobby because I thought that's what life was about-giving out what's been given to you. Now (through the grace of the Holy Spirit) I feel pity toward people who lash out at others. I know their behavior comes from a brokenness inside of them that will be better met with love than bitterness.

Brandon Heath wrote a song called "I'm Not Who I Was" about how different he became once Christ was really the driving force in his life. The chorus goes:
 "I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was"

This could not be more true for me. And I don't even just wish my classmates could see how my life has changed, I really wish High School Sarah could see me now. Man, I would love the heck out of that little girl. I look at my 17-18 year old cell girls and think, "If only a young, 20-something had cared enough to walk along side me, what would my life be like now?" It's funny because I know I'm not the reason my girls will succeed or not, nor did my success rest on the shoulders of anyone else. However, I can't help but wonder, what if someone had wanted to pour into me? I'll never know for sure what it would have been like if someone had cared enough to disciple me in high school, but sometimes I wonder what I would tell High School Sarah if I could see her now...

Dear High School Me,You don't even know what you're missing. You know Jesus and you love him but you don't know how to make that deeper than just understanding what happened on the Cross and the "rules" of the bible. You have this ache inside of you but you don't know how to fill it or what fits in that space, so you're shoving every piece of the world you can find into it hoping something will click. I can tell you right now that none of it works out. Not attention from guys, or the perfect wardrobe, or a mean girl personality is going to make you feel at home in your skin. You know why? This isn't home, not really. You don't feel comfortable here because you were not made for this world, and yet you are trying so desperately to become a part of it.
You want so badly to stand out from the crowd, but ironically you are trying to do so by looking just like them. Its like trying to be the best toilet at the toilet store. HELLO! YOU'RE STILL A TOILET. You really want to stand out? Sit with the people no one sits with at lunch. Ask your lunch lady how you can help her after the food line is finished. Pray for your teammates every day after practice.
You don't know it now, but an amazing man is waiting for you. You're going to really regret chasing different guys and using them as your litmus test for joy. Nobody measures up to your future husband and you'll spend many days in your future wishing you had just saved every little piece of your heart for him.
Also, please stop being so rude to people. You won't know til years later the people you hurt by trying to be funny in front of your friends, and truthfully you will probably never know how many people you cut down with your sharp words. The smugness you feel from tearing others down will fade and you will be left feeling sick to your stomach for making anyone else feel so small.  And worst of all, you represented your Savior each and every day, and you made him out to be a pretentious jerk a lot of times.
Spend time with your sister, she needs you more than you know. Stop being so caught up in your own world and hug her. Make sure she knows that nothing can change your love for her. Ever.

I know that sounds like a lot of negative, but don't worry, you have some good stuff going on, too. Continue finding happiness in giving joy to others. You'll slowly realize you are the most fulfilled when ministering to those around you. You are a natural leader and peacemaker, you love including everyone and you are good at it. Do more of this.  Most importantly, seek after that very small flame that is burning for Christ. Trust me, it's about to get a whole lot bigger and your world will be turned upside down.
The crazy thing is, you will have the exact experience you are meant to have, High School Me, because God has a plan for you. Trust in Him more and you will slowly start to embrace the things of the Light instead of things of this world. I love you so much, sweet girl- you have so much yet to learn. Two years from now Christ will grab your heart and show you what it means to know Him as more than a story. Search for that, cherish it, then never let it go.


Love,
Future You

Thankful for the Bad Stuff?

What a weird concept, being thankful for bad things happening. I had a great reminder of why we need to do this in my (extremely well timed) devotional this morning.

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.
Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows all your problems."

This was exactly what I needed to hear today. Ever since I had Titus there are moments where I find myself wallowing in self-pity over various things. Today was about to be one of those days until I read this! So as difficult as it might be, I am going to be thankful for the good AND the bad.

• I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he is healthy and at home when many babies are in the hospital or even gone to be with you.
• I am thankful that you have made his reflux better, even if he still has trouble from time to time.
• I am thankful that he is a good sleeper at night. 
• I am thankful that he is asleep right now in his nursery for a nap for the first time in a very long time! Even if this doesn't continue to happen always, I am thankful that you have let it happen sometimes. I am thankful that you are giving my sweet baby peace right now and that he is resting in your arms when he can't rest in mine.
• I am thankful for each smile and giggle that you bless me with. I understand now why Jesus always wanted to be with the little children when he was on earth; I truly feel the joy of the Lord when my chubby little boy smiles up at me.
• I am thankful for a husband that provides even when that job requires him to have a pretty hectic schedule. I am thankful that you gave Titus a daddy that WANTS to be a daddy and enjoys spending time with him.
• I am thankful that you have given me the opportunity to stay home and start a ministry with my son. A lot of times I miss my job and wish that I were still working, but I know that the fruit of my new ministry will be fulfilling and I praise you for that.
• I am thankful for lots of love and support from family and friends as transitioned to this new season of life. Sometimes all it takes is a little reassurance from people who have already been through it to know I will make it through, too.
• I am thankful for your promise to never leave me. Even on the days where I hardly get any sleep or Titus is fussy or Garland is gone and I'm missing him, you are always right there with me. You love me indefinitely and you have given me many more blessings than I deserve.

⁴  Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:4-6

This Magic Moment

I was having a discussion with my friend Stephanie the other day about when salvation happens. You've got two options:
1) Salvation happens the moment you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins and you repent of your sins.
2) Salvation happens when you begin walking with Christ and living your life for him.

Both Stephanie and I leaned toward option 1, belief is all that is required for salvation. John 3:16 doesn't say "If you are a solid bro and do a daily devotional and serve the poor and pray all the time then you're saved." But one question that I couldn't get past for option 1 was can you believe in the gospel story yet never live it out and still be saved? It would seem possible, since all around the world (and especially in America) there are people who claim Christianity and would even say they believe Jesus was the son of God who died for us, yet they live for themselves and bear no fruit of redemption.
Which lead to a second question, If you never live it out and don't have an actual relationship with the Lord, are you still saved? My answer to this question is this: I don't really think option 1 or 2 is wholly correct, because I don't think you can truly understand the gospel and NOT have a relationship with Christ. At the point that you feel the full weight of what Christ has done for you, his grace becomes irresistible. 

Take myself as a case study. I grew up in a Christian home and got baptized at the age of 8. I would say that I knew the story of Jesus dying on the cross and I really believed it. I never once doubted that Jesus was who he said he was and did what he said he did. I followed all the rules of the bible and that was my religion, the rules. But this was based on fear; fear of getting in trouble, fear of having a bad reputation, etc., instead of what it should have been based on: The need to walk in the way of the Lord because I loved him so much I couldn't help but want to be more like him.

For me, I would say I became a Christian at the age of 8 when I first believed, but my process of sanctification (becoming more like Christ) didn't really start until I was going to college. I vividly remember being at a night of worship and hearing a song that finally made me realize the most important thing about being a Christian. Not following rules like I'd always thought, but realizing the weight of my sin and how much it cost Jesus to take it on. I broke. I literally knelt on the floor surrounded by hundreds of people and sobbed and just THANKED HIM for ever thinking I could be worth his Son's death. I don't know why God chose that moment to show me how much I had been living for myself, but I am thankful he revealed to me just how imperfect I really am so that I could begin having an honest relationship with him.

Here's the song, I will never forget the words as long as I live.

Beloved

Lord it was You, 

You created the heavens.

And Lord, it was Your hands

That put the stars in their place.

Lord, it was Your voice

That commands the morning.

'Cause even oceans and their waves bow at your feet, O Lord.

Lord, who am I

Compared to Your glory?

Lord, who am I

Compared to Your majesty?

Lord it was You, 

You created the heavens.

And Lord, it was Your hands

That put the stars in their place.

Lord, it was Your voice

That commands the morning.

'Cause even oceans and their waves bow at your feet, O Lord.

'Cause I'm your beloved, 

Your creation, 

And You love me as I am.

You've called me, chosen

For Your kingdom.

Unashamed to call me your own-

I'm your beloved.

Postpartum Depression

Even though the topic of postpartum depression has become more politically correct to diagnose and talk about in the 21st century, it has by no means alleviated the taboo or stigma attached to it. First, let's clear up some misconceptions.
-Postpartum depression is the change in emotional behavior caused by the imbalance of hormones after delivering a baby. It is completely natural and there is NOTHING a woman can do to control it.
-There are 3 levels of postpartum depression:
1) Baby blues. This is the typical experience most women have after delivery (80%) which includes lots of crying or the feeling of being overwhelmed; really just an emotional roller coaster. On average, the baby blues are worst for the first two weeks and are usually gone altogether by 4-6 weeks and require no medication, just getting as much sleep and help as possible.
2) Postpartum depression affects about 20% of women and is a more serious threat to mommy and baby. This level is usually diagnosed by thoughts for the woman to hurt herself or hurt the baby or if the "baby blues" symptoms continue past the first 4-6 weeks of the baby's life. Anti-depressants are a standard option to help with PPD and within a few weeks a woman should be feeling a little more leveled in her emotions.
3) Postpartum psychosis: Very few women are diagnosed with postpartum psychosis, but it is extremely dangerous and is usually characterized by the mother losing touch with reality, including hallucinations, illogical thought processing, and suicidal/homicidal thoughts.
- More women suffer from postpartum depression every year than the amount of people who break an ankle or have a stroke.
-Only 20% of women actually talk to their healthcare provider about their postpartum feelings. Most women feel ashamed to even ask questions.

I am blogging about this because even though I knew a lot about postpartum due to working at a pregnancy crisis center, it's just not the same as experiencing it. For me, it started with getting a virus when Titus was 5 days old that laste for a week and caused me to feel constantly nauseous and have diarrhea and a fever. I became extremely anxious about getting Titus sick, about not being able to keep up my milk supply, and about the radical shift my life had taken overnight.
Even after my virus went away I continued to experience the nausea, diarrhea, and fever on and off throughout the day. On top of that I started not being able to sleep, my heart would race and my stomach would clinch throughout the day. The worst was that my lack of appetite/nausea got so bad that I barely ate for 10 days and lost all 27lbs of baby weight before his two week check up (just FYI, I would trade in a second an extra 10lbs to have skipped the first two weeks). My doctor told me that he thought it was all stemming from my postpartum hormones and there was not really much we could do about that because as long as you breastfeed your hormone levels remain about the same from week 3 on.
I was devastated. I had been feeling so sick and anxious and generally unhappy all the time that I felt like if I was left alone with Titus I wouldn't be competent or healthy enough to care for him. Now I was being told it would continue to be like this indefinitely? I started crying in the Target parking lot while my mom just hugged me and told me it would be okay. They offered to put me on anti-depressants but warned me that a) even if it got rid of my anxiety it might add other side effects, like constant drowsiness or a general feeling of "weirdness," and b) that it could take 2 weeks for the medicine to kick in and even longer after that to get me on the "right" medication and dosage to work right for me.
I knew at this point there was going to be no easy fix so we needed to figure out what to do next.
Garland and I talked it over and decided that while anti-depressants were not off the table altogether, we would like to try a few things on our own before going that route. Examples: 
-We started giving Titus a bottle in the middle of the night so that Garland could feed and I could get some extra sleep.
-We worked really hard to make sure I got out of the house every day and that we even got out of the house WITHOUT Titus from time to time, even just to run to Sonic.
-I stopped being so stringent about his feeding schedule and just let him eat and sleep whenever he wanted (I would only suggest this after baby has gained back his birth weight and is healthy).
-I made a "thankful list" of all the things that were going well so I could pray and thank God for all he had given me instead of focusing on everything that was going wrong.
-I had to make a concerted effort to NOT think about the future. In fact, it became my prayer for God to just get me through the next hour (I continue to pray this several times a day).
-I tried to do some "normal" things, like blogging and cleaning the bathrooms.
-I had my mom write down some encouraging bible verses on note cards and when I'm feeling overwhelmed or anxious or sick I just read those over and over again. Sometimes this is the most I have energy to do, but I know that the Lord is providing me with what I need to get through each day.

Overall, the one thing that has helped me most to cope with my "baby blues" came from a friend who had a very difficult postpartum experience as well. She told me that it's okay to have a "mourning period" over the loss of my old life. All the things I loved about my life before Titus came (my job, social outings, my busy schedule, one on one time with Garland, SLEEP, staying up late, living my life based solely on what I want to do, etc) no longer existed. I found myself crying because I missed Garland even when he was sitting on the couch right beside me-even our nights at home together are just not the same, we are focusing on sustaining another life instead of each other. Then I would feel guilty that I missed my life before my baby; I felt like an awful mommy for ever feeling like it was better before he came. But realizing that I am literally having to bury my old life in exchange for a new, much less self-centered life has helped me to cope and to know that  feeling this way does not mean I do not love my baby. It just means that becoming selfless is a very difficult road to travel.

We are past week 3 and I am feeling less anxious and healthier every day. I know it gets better, everyone keeps telling me to wait until 4-6-8 weeks and it will be easier. But at this point, I am living day by day, and at a lot of points, hour by hour. I would not have been able to make it through these first three weeks if it had not been for my loving God. He was my constant friend and companion even in my mourning.

He will feed his flock like a shepherd.
    He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart.
    He will gently lead the mothers with their young.
Isaiah 40:11

Confession: I Don't Want to go to Heaven

As a "good Christian," I'm supposed to be dying to go to Heaven (no pun intended slight pun intended). From the time I walked down the aisle at 8 years old, I've been told I should want to go to Heaven; that this life is only temporary and if at any point I'm "called home" I should be jumping for joy. I know all the fantastic things the bible says or people interpret the bible to say about Heaven: Golden streets, pearly gates, no more pain, never ending joy, and most most MOST importantly, spending time face to face with my savior and creator for all eternity. 


Do these things sound exciting and make me happy? Absolutely. But here's the catch (and I feel a little religious guilt even saying this out loud): I don't want to go to there. Ahhhh!!!!!!!! Okay, track with me, I know that is totally not what a youth pastor's wife is supposed to be saying! First of all, I have a daily sin struggle that robs me of joy. I have made choices that have left me broken. People I love have struggled and ached and I have done so with them. I have lost and I have mourned.
 But the thing is, I love my life here on earth. I have an incredible husband who is more wonderful than I ever deserved, a sweet baby on the way that I can't wait to hold in my arms, two pups that keep me laughing each day, an incredible community of friends and family, tons of wonderful students in FSM, a job that fulfills me in every way, and overall, an extremely joy-filled life that has been granted to me BY my lord and savior.


So I'm stuck here between being grateful and embracing the wonderful life God has blessed me with, and whole-heartedly aching to leave this life to join the beauty he intended for me to live in long term.


If I'm being honest I can tell you the thing that keeps me from wanting to be in Heaven. But I don't want to. But otherwise why did I write this blog post? Okay, I will tell you.
Fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing friends and family forever that don't know Jesus. Fear of not getting every ounce of joy out of this life before it's my time to leave it. 
But I have a very wise friend who opened my eyes. My friend Katie, who is only 25 and a newlywed, was recently diagnosed with cancer. This isn't supposed to happen to people our age, and definitely not to people I actually know. But the great thing about Katie is that she is a straight shooter, so when I asked her how it made her feel to be presented with such a personal possibility of Heaven, she told me she actually wasn't scared at all (cue mouth drop and big eyes as I sat in my driveway listening to her). She said that from the moment she got her diagnosis she actually felt more at peace about dying than she ever had before. How does this happen, I ask?! Katie told me as plainly as she could that while it was totally crushing to be told you have cancer and may or may not survive, and while she definitely struggles and hurts over her situation, that the peace she has been granted could only come from the Holy Spirit and is greater than the feeling of loss. She said she wasn't scared to die and go to Heaven--she was grateful for her salvation and knowing that Jesus would be waiting for her. Needless to say, I am so proud to call her my friend and so grateful for the Lord's presence in her life.


Closing thoughts: I have come to the conclusion that it's not a bad thing to love the life the Lord has given me, embracing blessings from him will never be anything but grateful. But I do need to pray for a peace about the fact that no matter how much joy I am experiencing here, one day I will die and that's okay, because Heaven will be so much greater. So I pray to be more like Paul:
Philippians 1:21-24 "For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me.But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live."


God, help me to continue serving you while on this earth and give me a heart like Paul, a heart that values Jesus over all other sources of joy.

Unforgotten Blessing

I have a super cool job, I'm just going to say it from the get go. One of my favorite parts is that we offer limited ultrasounds to clients who qualify to check for gestation (how far along) and a heart beat. During these ultrasounds, I get to sit in the room and shadow, and even though my presence is a legal requirement to protect the patient's rights, I get excited anyway because I get to watch the excitement and see the surprise over such a little life! Most of the time these ultrasounds are a moment of realization that there really is a baby growing and it can already do so much.
However, every once in a while the ultrasound does not go as planned. The couple I shadowed today was so excited to see the baby and even though she thought she was 10 weeks, the baby was only measuring at 7 weeks. Everyone thought she may have just miscalculated when she got pregnant, but as the ultrasound went on we realized we couldn't find a heartbeat. It was SOOOOO overwhelming to watch this heartbroken couple mourn the loss of their child. I found myself pulling my cardigan over my belly to make my own pregnancy bump seem less noticeable. Somehow it felt like bragging just to have such prominent proof of the life growing inside me that would no longer grow inside of her. 
Even though I know that statistically 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, it was still surreal to see a couple's first, raw emotional response to the news. I found myself praying and praising God that my baby has lived. Today gave me a renewed thankfulness and appreciation for the miracle God has given me. We prayed so long for this baby and after we passed the initial high risk miscarriage stage it has been easy to see that it was only by his hand that we are going to be blessed with a baby in May.


So today, I lift up his glorious name and humble myself in thankfulness at the foot of his throne for even considering me worthy of such joy.

"My prayer was for this child; and the Lord has given him to me in answer to my request."          
1 Samuel 1:27

Faithful and Sovereign God

14 months of perseverance 
+26 doctors visits
+9 rounds of medicine
+420 days of prayer
+10 (non-consecutive) hours of tears
+49 pregnancy tests
+One faithful and sovereign God
= BABY AUTRY!

We are so blessed, humbled, surprised, overwhelmed, and absolutely excited to announce that God has answered our prayers and our little one is due on May 1st! I am 11 weeks pregnant and counting :)


I am so thankful for all of you who have traveled with us on this journey of faith and I am praying for my sweet friends who are still on their journey. I know that regardless of medicine, doctors, and methods to get pregnant there is only one reason we are able to have a baby, and that is because our sweet Savior is blessing us with one. I opened up about our Struggle to get pregnant on a Monday and I felt such a weight lifted off that I had finally been transparent with the world about my weakness. So it should not have been a surprise that five days later on Saturday, we found out we were pregnant. As soon as I saw the perfect little smiley face that meant positive, I knew the Lord was smiling because his timing was so ironic (but not accidental).

Psalm 30:11-12
¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
¹² That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

30 Day Encouragement Challenge

I recently read a post about a 30-Day Challenge for wives to encourage their husbands. It didn't really sound like there was much to it so I hadn't thought much about it. However, once I dug in a little deeper I realized that a) this is something I would like to do more and b) this is definitely something I can improve on. I am a words of affirmation kind of girl, so encouraging people through words is something I like. Since Garland doesn't really excel at words of affirmation (he tries, he really does, it just never crosses his mind that he should say sweet things), I think this could also help him to grow in this love language just by seeing how I do it.


So here's how it works: For 30 days:
-You can't say anything negative about your husband...to your husband... or to anyone else about your husband.
-Say something that you admire or appreciate about your husband...to your husband...and to someone else, about your husband.


I hate to admit this but my first thought was, "Do I have 30 days worth of original compliments to give Garland?" Sad maybe, but true. However, if you go to this link (Revive Our Hearts), you can find a PDF document which gives you scripture and ideas for encouragement for each day. There were things I had thought of (thanking him for being a handy man, leading our marriage, etc.) and things I hadn't thought of (thanking him for being wise fiscally, turning from the temptation of lust, his specific spiritual strengths). 


Garland and I are also a very sarcastic and silly couple. We love to tease each other, it's one of the main ways we flirt with each other (hehe). However, I can totally see how sometimes to the outside world this could be taken as us not building each other up, so for 30 days I'm going to try and not make fun of my sweet husband at all! This may be very (VERY) difficult as he provides some great material (just sayin).


Last but not least, I love that they include in the challenge that you may fail a day or two! It makes my heart happy that grace is prevalent even in something like this. So if I slip up, it's okay! I can start again the next day and hope to do better.

My Five Loaves

Luke 9:10-17

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand

 ¹⁰ When the apostles returned, they reported to Jesus what they had done. Then he took them with him and they withdrew by themselves to a town called Bethsaida, ¹¹ but the crowds learned about it and followed him. He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.

 ¹² Late in the afternoon the Twelve came to him and said, “Send the crowd away so they can go to the surrounding villages and countryside and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here.”

 ¹³ He replied, “You give them something to eat.”

   They answered, “We have only five loaves of bread and two fish—unless we go and buy food for all this crowd.” ¹⁴ (About five thousand men were there.)

   But he said to his disciples, “Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each.” ¹⁵ The disciples did so, and everyone sat down. ¹⁶ Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke them. Then he gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people. ¹⁷ They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

This story was part of my quiet time this morning and what really stood out to me was that the disciples had little to nothing to offer. For 10,000+ people they only had five loaves and two fish, yet God turned their small offering into something huge.

This really made me pause and think about all the times I haven't felt adequate to teach or share the gospel or even to serve others because I don't have exactly the right thing to offer. But what I realized through this story was that God doesn't ask me to be perfect at everything, he just asks me to give him what little I have and allow him to turn it into something beautiful.

The Number One Pregnancy Question...

Probably the number one question I get when people find out we've been trying to get pregnant is:
 "How do you handle your job when you can't have a baby?" 


 I have watched hundreds of girls walk through the door at my Crisis Pregnancy center who want to abort their babies, talk about how much they hate their babies, wishing their babies didn't exist. When people make the connection that my whole job is basically me counseling and catering to women who did not want to get pregnant I can tell that what they are wanting to say is, "You have a stable home and would be a great mom, yet these girls who weren't even trying and aren't responsible get a baby? How is that fair?" When I first heard someone approach this topic in a round-about way, I was totally taken off guard because I had never felt like that in the counseling room. I am so engulfed in their own story that I forget about mine.


Most people assume that I look at my clients and resent them for wasting such a precious gift. While I definitely think about all they are taking for granted, I don't feel resentment, I feel sorrow. My heart breaks for these girls who are overwhelmed by the mess of their lives and the hurt caused by the people that "love" them. They are so close to drowning they can't even fathom how they could save someone else, and the truth is I don't even blame them for being self-preservationists, because I'm sure I would go into panic mode, too.


As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for them. I know, I know, this seems so ironic. They are getting the one thing I want more than almost anything in life, the one gift I have been praying to receive for so many months now. But the truth is, it's hard to want to receive the gift of a baby in their circumstances. It doesn't feel like a blessing when you know that you are pregnant because you were raped, or that it will get you beaten up by your mother, or that it will make your boyfriend, who is the only male support in your life, leave you for another woman. It doesn't feel like a blessing when you get kicked out of your house at 15 for the baby growing in your stomach, or when no one in your school talks to you but only talks about you, or when you have been on so many substances you are sure that you have messed up that child forever from your choices. And it definitely doesn't feel like a blessing when every self-righteous religious person in the world looks down on you just because you have to wear your sin on the outside while their hidden sin is eating away at their souls. 


So this is my job, to show these women...
-That no matter their decision, they are loved. 
-That God has a plan for good and not for harm. 
-That it may not seem true this very instance, but that little heart beat is the rhythm of hope and a future; the rhythm of a fresh start and a reason to succeed.
-And finally, that if they decide to stop that heart from beating, that they can seek healing through Jesus Christ.

Sometimes

Do you ever find a song that speaks so directly to your heart you don't want to do anything but lay on your bed and listen to it on repeat? I love that feeling. This week it was Sometimes by David Crowder Band off of the new Passion Worship cd (the whole album is incredible, by the way).


Sometimes every one of us fears
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes 
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When theres nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were risin up
Let your healin come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, We're lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes it’s like we never loved home
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies

When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were risin up
Let your healin come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow

It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
(3x)

Its your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid

Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me

It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You

Where you go we will follow