Friday, September 14, 2012

My Best 154 Days

A friend of mine recently posted about Taylor Swift's new song "Ronan" which she wrote about a little boy who lost his battle with cancer at the tender age of four. I, of course, couldn't help my curiosity (even though I know these types of things make me an emotional wreck for hours/days afterward) and googled the story. I found the blog written by Ronan's mommy, Maya, where she had penned the story of her sweet boy and his hard fought battle. I read all about her love for Ronan and her guilt that she couldn't save him and her genuine belief that even up until the very last second, they would receive a miracle. Then (just to torture myself) I looked up the video of Taylor Swift singing the song at the Stand Up 2 Cancer benefit. Taylor (we're on a first name basis) had taken bits and pieces from her conversations with Maya and excerpts from her blog and composed a song from Maya's point of view. She sang of ghost memories of Ronan still dancing in the house and how she could still feel his hand in hers and of the moment she gave him permission to let go. And most importantly, she sang about how lucky she was to have even gotten a single day with him, singing, "You were my best four years."

I was already sobbing from reading the blog (I only made it through 1.5 posts and one picture of sweet Ronan) and this really sent me over the edge. I'm talking, kneeling on the floor and praying to my sweet Savior to hold this family close. I just prayed over and over again that he would bring them comfort and thanked him for my little blessing asleep in the next room.

It seems that since Titus became a part of our lives these stories are happening more frequently, although I'm sure they happened before him. I just have a heightened awareness now because as a mommy you cannot help but think, "What would I do if that were my sweet baby?" When I was pregnant a couple that is in Community Group with close friends of ours lost their toddler in his sleep with no explanation (Hill Family Blog). Another couple lost their baby at 23 weeks pregnant after already knowing the gender and having the name picked out. My Facebook newsfeed seems to be covered with Pages dedicated to precious babies who are fighting or have lost their fight to different syndromes and diseases. Most recently, some good friends of ours delivered their baby early due to complications and our gracious Lord has given her the chance to live (Kaundart Family).

Half of me screams AVOID! AVOID! as soon as I see these stories, but the other half quietly whispers "Life is but a breath," and reminds me to cherish every second I have with Titus. There are so many moments that we were not promised and yet we were given anyway.
Moments like when we were finally able to get pregnant and he grew big and healthy in mommy's tummy. When he was born and his arms flailed around wildly and his lungs filled with air. The first time that he smiled and his eyes changed completely, like they learned how to glitter. When he first used his jumper and his tiny world was filled with joy. The many times he has snuggled into my chest when he is sleepy. His old man laugh that is so infectious. All the bath times where he has kicked his feet and surprised himself when he splashes water in his face. The moments he stares at me with his big blue eyes when I'm feeding him like I am the only person in the whole world.
All of these are gifts.

Titus has been with us for 154 days now.
My best 154 days.


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