Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Lifetime Movies are the Best! Nope. WORST.

First of all, let me lay out my current situation for you:

  • This week is spring break. Usually for spring break I am going somewhere with my cell group on a mission trip. This year, I am 34 weeks pregnant, so I couldn't go on any of the great trips that Fellowship offers. Not only are my girls in Guatemala serving at an orphanage (which sounds incredible and I am very jealous), but Garland is in Memphis, and most of my friends are with students in either Mexico, Belize, Memphis or Guatemala. And if they're not there, they have gone some place fun for a beach vacation.
  • It is raining and will possibly flash flood all week.
  • We have very little activity at work because our main clientele are 15-24 and are on Spring Break.
  • My internet at home decided to stop working and Cox sucks and can't get anyone to my house til midweek.
  • I have watched all the good stuff on my DVR and I'm tired of reading.
  • Did I mention it's my birthday week?
  • Yes, I am whining and it's really not that bad.
However, all of these factors together have produced the PERFECT STORM. This means that I am getting sucked into Lifetime Movie Network just for something to do. How is it that Lifetime movies are so awesomely terrible? They are literally the worst movies ever made, but I can watch them for free and somehow the ridiculous plots (while 100% predictable) keep me from changing the channel and before I know it, I have just wasted two hours of my life.  In case you are still confused, here is the Urban Dictionary definition:

Lifetime Movie
Misandristic propaganda potboiler films aimed at teaching women that all men are abusive rapists.

The protagonist usually is a female who wishes to escape from her drunken husband or a young adult who is kidnapped and raped.

There are many different lifetime movies, but all have a the same plot.
Person 1: Would you like to watch a lifetime movie?
Person 2: No, I have much better things to do.
So in honor of this absolutely terrible tv, I would like to showcase what I believe to be some of the worst BEST made for tv movies Lifetime has to offer:
1) Imaginary Playmate: Beautiful single woman marries mysterious, hunky widower with adorable daughter. Daughter begins playing with an "imaginary friend" who turns out to be her dead mother who turns out to be capable of killing from beyond the grave. (Plausible.) Unsure what actually happens in the plot, but somehow the husband dies and the step-mother/daughter combo live out their days loving life (but still being haunted by dead bio mom? nobody knows).
2) Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear: Corporate business lady hates the idea of staying at home with her baby and hires a hot blonde to be her nanny even though her husband prefers a woman who raises the children (what will happen?!). SHOCKER: husband and nanny begin a secret relationship and THE NANNY GETS PREGNANT. Business lady wife finds out and hires hitmen to kill nanny but they enter the wrong apartment and the nanny is on the run! Sidenote: There is not really a baby monitor involved and the title is irrelevant.
3) A Face to Kill for: Horse trainer Allison has an (unexplained?) disfigured face, and as if this is not unfortunate enough, her husband frames her for murder. Horse trainer is sent to prison where she becomes empowered and learns to fight (YEA!), which leads to her face being even more disfigured, but who cares! Because when Allison gets out she gets her plastic surgery on and of course becomes BEAUTIFUL just in time to exact revenge on her ex-hubby and his new wife. Spoiler: horses are the best part of the movie.
4) A Face to Die for: Sequel to A Face to Kill for? No. Completely unrelated. Another unexplained disfigured woman is caught helping some friends rob her old guy employer and also goes to prison. When she gets out she meets her knight in shining armor, a plastic surgeon who invites her to live with him (??) while recovering from the free plastic surgery he gave her as part of his prison outreach program (again, ???). Unfortunately for the ex-con, he remakes her face to look just like his dead wife and it becomes a weird obsession. This is all seemingly not a big deal, she moves out and spends the last 15 minutes of the movie exacting revenge on bad guys.
5) My Stepson, My Lover: Absolutely nothing like the title. Exactly like the title. Nice nurse marries horribly mean, mustached man after an extremely short courtship (but who hasn't made this mistake, really). Mean husband is the worst person to ever live and his only redeeming quality is that he produced a ruggedly handsome son, who, surprisingly, falls in love with his step-mother and they begin a torrid love affair. Nurse finally works up the courage to leave the mustache man who is then killed by rugged stepson to set Nursey free. Rugged stepson is so distraught at her disgust of him that he throws himself off a cliff and the movie ends with Nursey inheriting Mustached Man's millions plus a paraplegic stepson. WHEW! I am exhausted just from recapping. 
6) Maternal Insticts: Tracey is dying and her final wish is to have a baby? It is perfectly selfless to wish to have a baby grow in your cancer infected body only to leave it alone in the world once you die. While trying to remove the cancer her husband and and the doctor realize that she will be cancer free if they just give her a hysterectomy (scientifically valid), which unfortunately leads to Tracey's mental unhinge as she plots to murder her husband and exact revenge on her pregnant doctor. Hey Tracey, ever heard of Africa? It's called adoption, get on board. 
7) Calendar Girl, Cop, Killer? The Bambi Bembenek Story: I did not make up that name. Laurie, aka, "Bambi," worked on the force until she was fired for being a hottie in a calendar. In the midst of suing said force for wrongful termination, Bambi meets and marries another police officer who's ex-wife then ends up dead. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHO GETS BLAMED!! Bambi is convicted of murder and heads to prison (post-divorce), where she (of course) falls in love with/becomes engaged to a man who comes to visit another prisoner. Movie ends with the tagline "Run, Bambi, Run!" as she escapes prison and flees to Canada...

So if you have free time this week and want to check out a fantastic movie, flip to your local Lifetime channel (or if you're really special, Lifetime Movie Network), and try to catch one of these bad boys. BONUS: You can watch Lifetime movies on their website! (we all cheer together)

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