As of today I have an eight week old and a two(ish) year old. Today starts at 4:30am with baby's night feeding.
4:30am- Monitor goes off. Wander half asleep to the nursery. Breastfeed. Change diaper. Pray that baby goes back to sleep.
4:50- Back in bed. Lay there feeling exhausted but now wide awake due to staring at phone screen to stay awake while nursing.
5:00- Start to drift off. Monitor alerts me to baby movement. PLEASE NO. False alarm. Baby was working on some gas. But now I am wide awake again from the Mom Adrenaline Rush. Realize I need to pee. Pee in the dark, realize we're out of toilet paper. Guess we're doing the tinkle and shake maneuver.
5:30- Finally back in bed with husband's knee in my back. Don't care, need sleep.
7:30- Monitor goes off, toddler is awake and yelling "no no! yes yes!" whatever that means.
7:35- Change toddler's diaper, cuddle on couch and watch Sesame Street while wishing I could nod off for a few minutes (impossible, toddler uses me as a climbing tree/punching bag because he is a testosterone-filled crazy person).
7:45- Try to schedule playdate so we can get out of the house. Friend has her mom in town to help her with kids and is going to take advantage of her free time. Feel resentment toward friend for living my dream life.
8:30- Toddler rejects all breakfast food options screaming "POPSICLE" at the top of his lungs.
8:35- Toddler finally accepts an apple. Repeats "apple" 293054119 times.
9:10- Trick toddler into eating a waffle with peanut butter by turning on another cartoon. Go to bathroom to fix hair and put on makeup. Realize I haven't taken off last night's makeup. Crap. Wash off makeup and take a quick look in the mirror. Regret looking in the mirror.
9:12- Monitor goes off, toddler is in nursery "tickling baby's feet," aka, waking baby up. Forget makeup. Instead settle for deodorant and quick teeth brushing.
9:13- Decide to pee before I'll have to breastfeed again. CRAP. Still no toilet paper. Tinkle and shake.
9:15- nurse baby. Toddler brings random objects over and insists I take them all. I am now holding a nursing baby, a plastic banana ("NO NANA, MOOOOON!!!"), excuse me, a MOON, two empty water bottles, six plastic balls and one Easter egg.
9:17- remind toddler to be sweet to baby while he squeezes her head for the millionth time. Toddler gets bored with baby and goes to stand right in front of the TV. I don't even correct him because it means I get one minute of nursing without him climbing on my shoulders/back/face.
9:25- friend without kids comes over and brings me a coke. PRAISE THE MAKER. Feel bad that all I can give in return is a gassy baby and a toddler yelling, "OH NO NO NO FOUR!" (what.)
9:37- finally done nursing. Ask friend to hold baby so I can go change my clothes. Decide to do hair and makeup but don't have time for both. Choose to dab on a little makeup so I don't look like the Walking Dead and accept the greasy bangs. You can't always get what you want.
10:05- finally get everyone dressed and ready to play outside so toddler will burn off some energy. I look out the window and it has started to rain. NOOOOOOOO.
10:07- cave and give toddler iPad to keep him busy inside. He's playing with alphabet apps so that counts as a learning moment, right? Right.
10:45- realize I haven't eaten breakfast or taken my birth control. MUST TAKE BIRTH CONTROL. Breakfast can wait.
10:50- sweet friend offers to take toddler to play in the rain. GLORY HALLELUJAH! toddler picks up dead worms and cuddles them to his face then proceeds to use said worms to make letters on the concrete.
10:53- toddler takes now mangled worm from alphabet activity and floats it down the stream on the road, saying, "bye bye worm." RIP wormy.
11:30- time for wet trampoline jumping. I take this opportunity to go to the bathroom again since I have to drink like 3000 gallons of water a day while breastfeeding. The baby comes with me because she is strapped in the Baby Bjorn, the only place she will nap, obviously. Realize I STILL HAVE NOT REPLACED THE TOILET PAPER. Tinkle and shake. Again.
11:35- Make lunch for toddler. Floor is wet because he insists on wearing his rain boots to eat, but hey, he isn't paying attention to the fact that he's eating veggies so I'll take it.
11:40- Start to feel nauseous. Think it may be due to parental annoyance. Remember I haven't eaten yet today so that's more likely. Grab the first thing in the fridge, leftover corn in the cob. Dribble corn all over baby's head who is still strapped in the Bjorn. Oh well, she needed a bath today anyway.
11:42- Toddler announces he is done with lunch by dumping plate off of high chair to test gravity. Gravity is still in play, food splatters across the kitchen floor. Call our dogs into the kitchen to eat the spilled food because I don't have the energy to sweep and mop. Which is a win-win because I also forgot to feed them this morning (whoops).
11:45- make popcorn and turn on movie to hopefully get toddler to wind down while I feed baby. Another round of "NO NO YES YES!!" from the toddler, this time aimed at the popcorn bowl. I have no idea what he wants so I just put some popcorn in his mouth to stop the noise. Didn't move fast enough, baby is now awake and wants to nurse again.
11:49- FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING IS IT NAP TIME YET
12:03- Officially afternoon. Time to sit on the couch and rest for a second. Or clean the dishes. Or put up laundry. Or finally replace the toilet paper. WAIT. There is one chocolate chip cookie left, I will do get to that first. If I eat it in less than 3 seconds while hiding in the garage I can have it all to myself. Priorities, people.