- You let your child watch tv. Ever.
- You are not pureeing your own baby food including dishes like salmon bisque and chicken cordon bleu.
- Your child cannot sign in full sentences by the age of one.
- During your child's naps you are not a) deep cleaning your entire house at LEAST every other day, b) accomplishing a major work of art and c) running your own small business that was inspired by Pinterest.
- You stop breast-feeding before 10 years old (they're playing tee-ball now, you need to keep their energy up).
- They've ever tasted or even smelled something with sugar in it.
- You haven't tried making your own baby-safe laundry detergent, diaper rash cream, wipes, or shampoo. Get with the program! You're falling into the trap of American Consumerism and don't even get me STARTED on the harsh chemicals!
- You don't knit, embroider, hand paint, stencil, embellish, or otherwise self design all of your baby's clothing and accessories (don't forget those headbands and leg warmers, ladies!).
- You are not speaking at least 3 languages at home.
- YOU THINK ABOUT USING A CRIB BUMPER. OR NAP NANNY. OR BUMBO. OR ANY OTHER BABY DEATH TRAP BEING DISGUISED AS A SAFE ITEM.
- You have not hired a professional party planner for their first birthday to help you execute the perfect bash with the measly $2,500 you set aside for it.
- Your poor child has to wear a regular outfit for their monthly picture instead of the required number embroidered onesie or (heaven FORBID) you don't take monthly pictures AT ALL.
- You're not pregnant yet? OMG your firstborn is going to be so lonely!!
- You're PREGNANT?! OMG now you will NEVER spend any time with your firstborn.
You might be a terrible mom if you allow the world to tell you how to parent. If you child is happy, healthy, and safe, then you're doing a great job. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!