You Might Be a Terrible Mom If...

You might be a terrible mom if...

• You let your child watch tv. Ever.

• You are not pureeing your own baby food including dishes like salmon bisque and chicken cordon bleu.

• Your child cannot sign in full sentences by the age of one.

• During your child's naps you are not a) deep cleaning your entire house at LEAST every other day, b) accomplishing a major work of art and c) running your own small business that was inspired by Pinterest.

• You stop breast-feeding before 10 years old (they're playing tee-ball now, you need to keep their energy up).

• They've ever tasted or even smelled something with sugar in it.

• You haven't tried making your own baby-safe laundry detergent, diaper rash cream, wipes, or shampoo. Get with the program! You're falling into the trap of American Consumerism and don't even get me STARTED on the harsh chemicals!

• You don't knit, embroider, hand paint, stencil, embellish, or otherwise self design all of your baby's clothing and accessories (don't forget those headbands and leg warmers, ladies!).

• You are not speaking at least 3 languages at home.

• YOU THINK ABOUT USING A CRIB BUMPER. OR NAP NANNY. OR BUMBO. OR ANY OTHER BABY DEATH TRAP BEING DISGUISED AS A SAFE ITEM.

• You have not hired a professional party planner for their first birthday to help you execute the perfect bash with the measly $2,500 you set aside for it.

• Your poor child has to wear a regular outfit for their monthly picture instead of the required number embroidered onesie or (heaven FORBID) you don't take monthly pictures AT ALL.

• You're not pregnant yet? OMG your firstborn is going to be so lonely!!

• You're PREGNANT?! OMG now you will NEVER spend any time with your firstborn.

OR

You might be a terrible mom if you allow the world to tell you how to parent. If you child is happy, healthy, and safe, then you're doing a great job. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise! 

10 Months

Dear Titus,

At 10 months you...

• You weigh about 20 pounds (you lost two pounds while you were sick last month but now  you're back up to your normal weight).
• You are wearing 9-12 month clothes (pants are still long) and size 4 diapers.
• You sleep from 7:30-7:30 (12 hours), and take two naps (10:30 and 2:30).
• Your two bottom teeth are all the way in and you have two top teeth almost through the surface.
• You eat lots of table food and want to try whatever we're eating. Your favorites are mac n' cheese, apple slices, baby dill pickles, mashed potatoes, and peas/carrots. You generally have a combo of one baby food container with table food for each meal.
• Your favorite toy right now is the red wagon Grandma Susie got you for Christmas.
• You have a lot of long hair in the front middle of your head but less on the sides and back. I call it reverse balding.
• When you finish your bottle at bedtime you like to lay on my chest instead of being cradled like a baby.
• You have learned how to wave! It's SOOO adorable!
• You give all your food the "squish test" before eating it. You try to squish it in your hand and if it squishes you play with it instead of eating it.
• You love when I blow your hair out of your face. You giggle every time!
• You rarely ever pitch a full-on fit. Instead, you will be completely fine and then have an outburst of yelling which usually only lasts about 5 seconds. Then a lot of times it's followed by a big smile and laughter. I like to attribute it to the fact that you just must be very passionate :)
• You are very social. When you see another child you start giggling and yelling at them. When we were at Hobby Lobby last week you even yelled back and forth with a kid a couple isles down.
• You love being able to army crawl and you do it all the time! We call it your "giggle crawl" because you always gets excited about whatever you're moving toward. You don't get up on your knees but you do pull up on tables and toys, and you like to walk everywhere while we're holding you.
• You cry when you fall asleep and you cry when you wake up. It only lasts a minute or so, but you definitely want someone to come get you! Your naps are still no bueno but you sleep good through the night!
• You are so vocal! You jabber and make noises all. Day. Long.
• You HATE having water poured on your face during bath time. Talk about a fit!

Buddy you are so much fun! I can't believe how much we enjoy spending time with you each day. You have your daddy's joyful spirit and it makes my heart so full. You have started standing up on your own all the time and playing independently, but you will occasionally reach back and make sure I'm still there. You don't even take your eyes off what you're doing, but just feeling my arm is enough to reassure you that I haven't gone anywhere. I hope you grow up and remember that we want you to be your own man, but please remember that you can always reach out just to know that I'm here if you need me. We will always have your back and be ready to catch you when life gets hard. We love you to the moon and back, little man.

Dirty Thirty Party

My sister-in-law, Christen, wanted to throw my brother a surprise party to celebrate his 30th birthday. We settled on the theme "Dirty Thirty," so think camo, deer heads, tank tops, trucker hats, and lots of Little Debbie snacks. Here is what came of it!

He was genuinely surprised!

Cardboard is a staple of hillbilly decor

The "Pisser," aka, the bathroom

Hang a clothesline through the room

 Some "tabacky" (Big League Chew)

 mustaches, tattoos, and candy cigarettes

 Classy decor! Fake flowers in an empty 2 liter bottle

 Drinks chilled in a wheelbarrow

 Don't forget to have some puppy chow and Little Debbie snacks as "or derves"

Don't forget the costumes! Cigarette behind the air, torn jeans, and of course, plenty of American flags!

 Flannel, nascar tshirt, and John Deere hat (I'm not really in costume because I didn't have time to change after decorating!)

 Leopard tanks, shiny/skin tight skirt with neon tights, and of course cut-off shirts. And don't forget to include a gun for some good photo ops!

 You can't leave the house without your hair done. Oh wait, yes you can.

 Mustaches for all!

I made Titus a onesie that says "I like my women just a little on the trashy side" with kisses on the back!

 Happy 30th birthday, bub!