I'm Not Who I Was

I'll be coming up on my 10 year high school reunion before too long and I got to thinking the other day about how different I am now. I'm not sure who would see more of a contrast, myself or the people that I went to high school with. I catch myself thinking all the time, "man, I would have never done ______ in high school."
-For instance, in high school I sang at church, but I liked the songs that had a lot of scales and a large range with a key change in there somewhere. Nowadays I would always choose an acoustic song with little emphasis on my voice and a lot of emphasis on powerful lyrics.
-In high school I would try to sneak out of the house in the shortest skirt possible because I wanted to feel wanted. Now I have a husband who finds me unconditionally beautiful and a Savior who has made me beautiful from the inside out.
-In high school I was sometimes incredibly rude, hateful, and snobby because I thought that's what life was about-giving out what's been given to you. Now (through the grace of the Holy Spirit) I feel pity toward people who lash out at others. I know their behavior comes from a brokenness inside of them that will be better met with love than bitterness.

Brandon Heath wrote a song called "I'm Not Who I Was" about how different he became once Christ was really the driving force in his life. The chorus goes:
 "I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was"

This could not be more true for me. And I don't even just wish my classmates could see how my life has changed, I really wish High School Sarah could see me now. Man, I would love the heck out of that little girl. I look at my 17-18 year old cell girls and think, "If only a young, 20-something had cared enough to walk along side me, what would my life be like now?" It's funny because I know I'm not the reason my girls will succeed or not, nor did my success rest on the shoulders of anyone else. However, I can't help but wonder, what if someone had wanted to pour into me? I'll never know for sure what it would have been like if someone had cared enough to disciple me in high school, but sometimes I wonder what I would tell High School Sarah if I could see her now...

Dear High School Me,You don't even know what you're missing. You know Jesus and you love him but you don't know how to make that deeper than just understanding what happened on the Cross and the "rules" of the bible. You have this ache inside of you but you don't know how to fill it or what fits in that space, so you're shoving every piece of the world you can find into it hoping something will click. I can tell you right now that none of it works out. Not attention from guys, or the perfect wardrobe, or a mean girl personality is going to make you feel at home in your skin. You know why? This isn't home, not really. You don't feel comfortable here because you were not made for this world, and yet you are trying so desperately to become a part of it.
You want so badly to stand out from the crowd, but ironically you are trying to do so by looking just like them. Its like trying to be the best toilet at the toilet store. HELLO! YOU'RE STILL A TOILET. You really want to stand out? Sit with the people no one sits with at lunch. Ask your lunch lady how you can help her after the food line is finished. Pray for your teammates every day after practice.
You don't know it now, but an amazing man is waiting for you. You're going to really regret chasing different guys and using them as your litmus test for joy. Nobody measures up to your future husband and you'll spend many days in your future wishing you had just saved every little piece of your heart for him.
Also, please stop being so rude to people. You won't know til years later the people you hurt by trying to be funny in front of your friends, and truthfully you will probably never know how many people you cut down with your sharp words. The smugness you feel from tearing others down will fade and you will be left feeling sick to your stomach for making anyone else feel so small.  And worst of all, you represented your Savior each and every day, and you made him out to be a pretentious jerk a lot of times.
Spend time with your sister, she needs you more than you know. Stop being so caught up in your own world and hug her. Make sure she knows that nothing can change your love for her. Ever.

I know that sounds like a lot of negative, but don't worry, you have some good stuff going on, too. Continue finding happiness in giving joy to others. You'll slowly realize you are the most fulfilled when ministering to those around you. You are a natural leader and peacemaker, you love including everyone and you are good at it. Do more of this.  Most importantly, seek after that very small flame that is burning for Christ. Trust me, it's about to get a whole lot bigger and your world will be turned upside down.
The crazy thing is, you will have the exact experience you are meant to have, High School Me, because God has a plan for you. Trust in Him more and you will slowly start to embrace the things of the Light instead of things of this world. I love you so much, sweet girl- you have so much yet to learn. Two years from now Christ will grab your heart and show you what it means to know Him as more than a story. Search for that, cherish it, then never let it go.


Love,
Future You

6 Month Update

Dear Titus,
At 6 months...

• Your reflux came back in full force and you wouldn't eat more than 2oz at a time :( so we bumped you up to 30mg of Prevacid.
• 3-6 month clothes fit you perfectly except your pants are still a little long.
• You weigh about 18 pounds.
• You are wearing size 3 diapers.
• Your body is in the 50th percentile and your head is in the 70th, which means you're finally catching up to your head size!
• Everyone says you have my eyes.
• We started you on baby food and you love it! Green beans are your favorite but you hate peas. You eat 30oz of formula a day and two servings of baby food for lunch and dinner.
• You sleep from 7:30pm-6:30am (11 hours).
• You take naps at 8:30, 12:30, and 4:30, but some days you only take 2 long naps (which is awesome!)
• When you get tired you flap your arms like a bird to keep yourself from falling asleep.
• You LOVE flashing lights. Any toys with flashing lights mesmerize you.
• Your new favorite games are:
•  playing airplane with daddy. You love being "flown" in the air!
• peek-a-boo. You love when someone holds you and I pop up from behind the couch!
• You like watching Bosco and Lucy play catch in the backyard. You've even started trying to grab the puppies when they get close to you.
• You are getting pretty good at sitting up as long as someone is spotting you (you can do it for 10 seconds on your own then you start to tip over). 
• You roll over both ways and scoot all around your crib during the night.
• You have a lot of blonde hair growing in and so you don't look like a ginger anymore. Yay!
• You have moved out of your screaming phase and now you are growling. Every month is a new noise with you!
• All the workers in the nursery say that you keep them entertained on Sunday mornings. You have the most personality of all the babies and talk and giggle the whole time!
• As soon as I go to get you out of your crib you start giggling and no matter how early it is, I can't help but laugh at you! 
• You have started coming at me with an open mouth and I think you are trying to give me kisses. My sweet boy :)

You are half a year old, sweet boy. I can't believe I get to wake up to your smiling face everyday. You were dedicate this month and your daddy and I do not take that lightly. We pray for your salvation every day and plan to stick to our promise to raise you up in the light of the Lord. There is a story of a woman in the Old Testament named Hannah who prayed for years to have a baby. When Samuel was born she took him to the temple and dedicated him to the Lord, saying, "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted my request" (1 Sam 1:27). We prayed for you, little man, and the Lord did not disappoint. 

We love you to the moon and back.