9 months

Dear Titus,
At 9 months...

• You weigh about 20 pounds
• You are wearing 9-12 month clothes (pants are still long) and size 3 diapers
• You sleep from 7:30-7:30 (12 hours), and only take 2 naps now (10:30 and 2:30)
• You have what I like to call the "Egor Shuffle" going on where you army crawl and only pull one leg behind you. You will get up and rock on your knees but you haven't figured out how to move your knees to crawl yet. Soon buddy, soon!
• Your favorite toy right now is any cords you can get your hands on. Lamps, phone chargers, anything.
• You officially have 2 teeth! It took you about 3-4 weeks for them to break the surface and you were a little more cranky than usual, but not as bad as it could have been!
• You got bronchitis twice this month and it has been pretty terrible! Breathing treatments, steroids, inhalers, antibiotics... You've had a little bit of everything. Hopefully we're seeing the last of your sickness!
• You have started "singing" along with us in the car, it's adorable!
• We had your first Christmas! It's fair to say your favorite present was the tissue paper we wrapped gifts with, haha.
• You got your first bruise! It was little and I think I was the only one who could see it, but it was still so sad.
• You've started chewing/sucking on some real food! You love pickles, toast, and crackers. You still don't chew very well, though, so we have to watch you very closely.
• You wave back at us!
• You finally want to hold your bottle (sometimes).
• You make a lot more sounds than just dada now, including the n sound, y, j, m, and b.
• We've introduced the sippy cup as well as water, neither if which you care very much for.

Happy New Year, buddy! In 2012 you enjoyed your first Razorback tailgating, Halloween, Fall Retreat, Thanksgiving, Christmas, going to the nursery for the first time, falling in love with the swing, lots of milestones, and plenty of new experiences! I am so excited to see what 2013 holds for you as you start crawling for real and then eventually walking (yikes). We are going to go to the beach, and have your first birthday, and hopefully not get sick anymore. We love you so much, little man. We sit around watching you all night and day because you are so funny. Everyday is something new with you and we just try to keep up! Love you to the moon and back.

Rushing, Rushing, Rushing

When you have a baby everything gets a little more complicated. Grocery trips become extravaganzas, simple errands like running to the Post Office can turn into a disaster with the click of a car seat buckle, and don't even get me STARTED on going out to dinner! None of that to say that it's necessarily a bad thing or that I would even change it, but I do find that I feel like I'm rushing every second of the day. During his nap time I rush to clean/craft/read/nap/do laundry, when he's awake we have to rush and get errands done before his limited patience for the car seat runs out, when we go on a play date we have to rush there and back to make sure we make it between naps, when we go out to dinner I rush to get everything packed and get Titus in the car and (hopefully) make it there on time, and then rush back home before bedtime. When we finally get settled in to put him to bed, I often times find myself rushing to put him down for the night because I feel like I have a billion more things to accomplish before crashing and starting all over. And lets be honest, sometimes I'm just ready for a little adult time.

But here's the thing. I've been missing it.

Tonight when I was putting Titus down he pushed the bottle out and I could feel that it was almost empty and I thought to myself, "Alright, this means I've only got a couple minutes left in here then I can finish working on my Etsy order before Garland gets home." I had the choice to put him down awake (like I usually do and like he prefers) or rock him for a minute longer. I started to put the bottle down and get ready to stand up when he reached up and put his hand on my heart. I'm not kidding, my sweet kiddo reached his tiny fist up and put his open palm right on my chest.

When I felt him touch me it was like all the air in the room stood still and I didn't feel like rushing anymore. I didn't feel like rushing because I couldn't help but think of Amy Hill and wonder if she ever rushed through day-to-day stuff with Tucker like I do with Titus. The thing is, this is normal, this is life. We are taught to be efficient, to make the most of every second of the day, and above all, never miss out on a moment of productivity. I'm sure Amy, like most moms to toddlers, had to multi-task to get everything done each day, and probably, like me, had a lot of nights where she was checking bedtime off a long list of to-do's.

But Tucker died last year in his sleep and no one knows why, and all I could think about as I held my baby boy was, "I bet Amy would give anything to go back and not rush through rocking Tucker to sleep."
So I tried to take it all in.

The sound of his breath getting deeper as he drifts into sleep.
His short fingers raised in the dark, trying to find my face so he knows I'm still here.
The way his body curves up against mine and his head rests in the crook of my arm like we are two puzzle pieces that were made to fit together.
His tiny feet rubbing against each other as he always does when he's nodding off to sleep.
The feel of his eyelashes tickling my cheek as I bend down close to kiss his chubby cheek.
The deep sigh that comes from his little chest that signifies his sense of comfort in my arms.
The feel of his soft baby hair brushing against my forehead when I lay my head close to his.

We are promised nothing here on this earth. Titus may live to be 100, he may be taken away tomorrow, or Jesus may come back before either of us die. All we know in this world is that nothing is promised to us beyond this moment. For me, that was holding my little boy for a few minutes longer as he drifted off into sweet dreams. Tonight I encourage you to stop rushing and really revel in whatever is happening in yours.

8 Months

Dear Titus,
At 8 months...

• You weigh about 20 pounds
• You are wearing 6-9 month clothes (pants are still long) and size 3 diapers
• We switched you this week to a convertible car seat because you outgrew your infant car seat already. You don't seem to like it much better!
• You sleep from 7:30-7:30 (12 hours), and only take 2 naps now. 
• Your naps are normally at 10 (1.5 hours) and 2:30 (1.5 hours) but you STILL wake up in the middle of your naps no matter what I do! Eventually you go back to sleep but I'm hoping you grow out of this soon. 
• Your sound for this month is growling like a moster. 
• You have two teeth coming in on your bottom gums and they are making you CRANKY! I can feel the bumps and the skin on top is white, but no tooth yet! I think we will see them this week.
• Teething rings have become our best friend! You like anything you can put in your mouth that is cold, including water bottles or glasses.
• You have started eating some table food (it's really more like sucking on table food). You like pickles, mashed potatoes, crackers, and lemons. Daddy gave you some chocolate syrup and you LOVED that. But you're still not good at chewing and seem to have no desire to pick up food and put it in your mouth.
• As far as your food schedule you drink about 8-10oz between 7-10 (and sometimes baby food), 8-10oz + baby food lunch between 11:30-2:30, 8-12oz +baby food dinner between 4:00-7:00.
• When we go out to eat you sit up in a high chair like a big boy (except we have to put a blanket behind you because you don't fill up the whole seat).
• You have started trying to pull your legs up underneath you but you usually only get one and look a little like Egor. No crawling yet but I bet you will be before the next update!
• You stand up and hold onto things (table, fireplace bricks) by yourself now. You love it!
• You have cried ONE tear. Haha, I guess that's better than none!
• Your favorite toy right now is the rubber spoon you eat with. You get so mad when I take it out of your hand! Or for that matter, when I take anything out of your hand. Do not remove object from baby!
• You love anything shaped like a stick that you can use to hit things. You are such a boy!
• You laugh every time I say, "Hey, droolie," or when we go outside and I say, "brrrr!"
• You reach for EVERYTHING. Finally, after 8 long months, nothing is safe at our house. We have to keep all breakable, hot, or spillable objects out of your reach.
• You still love your jumper, you are in that things for hours every day.

Oh, how funny you are, Titus James! We never get tired of hearing your old man laugh and I am really hoping it sticks with you (at least through toddlerhood). Everyone says you look and sound like an old man trapped in a baby's body and I find that to be adorable. Everywhere we go you take in all the sights with your big, blue eyes and long lashes and talk and talk and talk about everything you are seeing. It should come as no surprise that you are a vocal baby seeing as how mommy and daddy like to talk a lot, too. You make every day an adventure for us and we wouldn't change a single thing. We love you to the moon and back, sweet boy.

Christmas Mantle Crafts

Oh yes, it is finally that time of year (my favorite time of year) where it's acceptable to decorate for Christmas! If it were up to me I might leave them up year round, but the comings and goings of the Christmas decor do make it more fun to decorate each holiday season. So here is what I did for my Christmas mantle this year and how you can do it too!

 The first thing I did was get some old wood I had leftover from making a headboard and nail it together. Very simple! It's about 2ft x 3ft. Then I grabbed a wreath I had made for the spring and tied a ribbon around it and just snugly stuck this converted Joy Christmas ornament between a couple branches. Finally (here's the trick), I put a 3M hook on the back of the wood UPSIDE DOWN so I could loop the ribbon around it and keep the wreath stationary. 

Step 2: Create trees. I did these in kind of a hurry so I forgot to take pictures but they are super easy! All you do is take an old cereal box (or any food box, really) and roll it up into a tree shape. TIP: Make sure you roll it up with the colored side on the INSIDE of the tree, it will give you a blank canvas to work with.

For this one I just bought a holiday pack of twine (red and green) at Joann's and wrapped it around (hot gluing as I went).

This is a strand of pearls that was also in the holiday section (I guess to use as garland?). Don't look at it too close, it's kind of ugly, but from faraway it's super cute!

This little guy was made up of white pipe cleaners that I wrapped around the tree then spray painted gold (which sank in as more of a brown). When it dried I sprayed it with spray adhesive and put glitter on it (which ended up looking like snow and I like that).

The lace ones are my favorite! Super easy, too. I got $1 scrap lace from Joann's and just wound it around the tree until it was covered. 

This little guy is bubble wrapped and spray painted gold.

This is the most unusual tree. I hot glued those little craft puffs (the ones that look like cotton balls) all over and then spray painted gold. Then I did the same spray adhesive and glitter process as before.

Lastly, I bought a holiday potpourri bag at Hobby Lobby and hot glued leftover Joann's lace to the pinecones. Then I tied 3-4 together and made the lace into a pretty knot before hanging them on tiny command hooks on the mantle (get the clear ones!).

Put your stockings on their own command hooks and voila! Christmas mantle.

Let me know if you try this or something similar! I'd love to hear how it turned out.

7 Month Update

Dear Titus,
At 7 months...

• You weigh 18 pounds and are 25 inches long. Your height is in the 5th percentile, weight is 50th, and head is 85th.
• You are wearing 6-9 month clothes (pants are still long) and size 3 diapers
• You may not be tall but you are wide! We will have to get you a new car seat soon because you are getting squished
• You sleep from 7:30-7:30 (12 hours), and take naps at 9:30 (1.5 hours) and 1:30 (1.5 hours), and sometimes a catnap around 4:00 (20-30 minutes).
• You rarely fall asleep in my arms anymore- you like to be put in your crib to fall asleep on your own
• You are finally napping in your crib for most naps. You still wake up at the 45 minute mark, sometimes falling back asleep after a few minutes and sometimes being done with your nap early. 
• Your sounds for this month are blowing raspberries and a fake cough. 
• You now eat lots of baby food and like almost everything. Your favorites are green beans and sweet potatoes. You don't know what to think about peaches and still hate peas and cereal.
• You have rolled over both ways for a while now, but you never really wanted to do it til the last couple weeks. Now you roll all over the place!
• You still don't cry tears! How weird is that?!
• You can sit-up like a big boy now! You sometimes wobble a little like a bowling pin, but you do a pretty good job most of the time.
• You have started rolling over and sleeping on your stomach which made me a little nervous at first, but a good friend told me that this will be the first of many times I ask the Lord to watch over and protect you, and I'm doing exactly that.
• You have started saying some real jabber words instead of just noises. You'll say things like "ah ja da da da" over and over again to yourself all day long!
• You are still extremely cuddly. If you had it your way I'd just carry you around all day while you look over my shoulder and hug my neck. Extremely inefficient for getting anything done, but it does this momma's heart good :)
•  Your newest eating habit is wanting to eat your bottle flat on the floor. If I hold you and try to give you a bottle you throw a fit because you think I'm putting you to sleep.
• You like when I clap and cheer for you, maybe you'll mimic me soon!
• We took you to swing in the park for the first time and you LOVED it! I think we will have to get you one for the backyard.

Sweet baby you had your first real sickness this month and it was so sad! It started as a cold and morphed into a cough which made you lose your voice. Now your normally noisy personality is pitifully quiet and squeaky. This makes mommy feel so bad for you! It has really made me thankful for how lucky we have been, though, to have this be the worst thing you've experienced. I'm sure you will be back to your loud self in no time, and at least for now you are still our happy boy! Nothing seems to phase you, Titus James. You are our tough little man!

Mae

I have a wonderful husband who really is perfect for me. We have so much in common and our opinions on most topics from religion to politics to parenting are almost identical. Sometimes it feels like we're in a secret club with only two members. But that's not the only reason I love Garland, he has proven time and time again that I am lucky to call him my beloved. A few examples...

• He never wants me to have to drive alone. Even if he's at work in Rogers and we have plans in Bentonville he'll drive all the way home just to drive the 30 minutes back to Bentonville so we can ride together.
• He never comments on the state of the house even when I haven't had a chance to pick of from the whirlwind that is two dogs and a baby. He's a very neat person and yet he trusts that I will get everything done when I have time. I love that.
• He frequently empties the dishwasher and washes bottles by hand because he knows I hate those chores the most. 
• He always washes the dogs. I could do it, but he knows its much easier for him to control them so he just does it without complaining.
• He has never once seemed put out to change a diaper. Even when he knows its a bad one he just picks Titus up and I hear Garland talking to him on the changing table.
• When Titus and I have had a long day and I pass him off to Garland after work he gladly takes him. Never mind that he's just had a long day at the office, too, he jumps right into his role as husband/father as soon as he walks through the door.
• Words of affirmation are not his love language strong suit and it is not in the forefront of his brain to keep in touch throughout the day. However, because he knows it's important to me, hardly a day goes by where I don't receive a text message or a note on my mirror that says something sweet.
• He always goes to bed with me at night, no matter what. I know every couple is different, but it's always been our thing to climb in bed together no matter how early or late. Even on days when I'm thoroughly exhausted and want to fall asleep early, he's right there beside me, arm under my pillow and "I love you" whispered under his breath.

You may or may not know that Garland majored in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing in college. He wrote a book of poetry for his Honors Thesis on the Buffalo River area and I used to tease him that he hadn't written anything for me. Then for my birthday one year he surprised me with the sweetest present of all, a poem about me. If poetry is not your strong suite (as it is not mine) then I will tell you ahead of time that he wrote it about my eyes (this will make it a little less confusing). 

*sigh* Talk about making a girl go weak in her knees!

P.S. It is titled "Mae" because my middle name is Elizabeth and he calls me Ellie Mae as a nickname.

Mae

Garland Autry

I dare not speak of thee

For ‘twould be impossible to say.

(Though vain and ambitious words do attempt)

Come forth! Come forth! Slight, soft spray,

Against vast seas of white;

The most perfect of colors

Mingled together in one array.

And me, thine willing prey

Forever caught here in thy gaze.

Oh thy Father of mercies,

Woulds’t thou permit me to stay?

Alas, to thee I dare not speak

Unless of course to say,

“I am yours, I am yours.

And will be until the gray

O’’ertakes these foolish thoughts,

And still and waiting for thee I lay.””

I'm Not Who I Was

I'll be coming up on my 10 year high school reunion before too long and I got to thinking the other day about how different I am now. I'm not sure who would see more of a contrast, myself or the people that I went to high school with. I catch myself thinking all the time, "man, I would have never done ______ in high school."
-For instance, in high school I sang at church, but I liked the songs that had a lot of scales and a large range with a key change in there somewhere. Nowadays I would always choose an acoustic song with little emphasis on my voice and a lot of emphasis on powerful lyrics.
-In high school I would try to sneak out of the house in the shortest skirt possible because I wanted to feel wanted. Now I have a husband who finds me unconditionally beautiful and a Savior who has made me beautiful from the inside out.
-In high school I was sometimes incredibly rude, hateful, and snobby because I thought that's what life was about-giving out what's been given to you. Now (through the grace of the Holy Spirit) I feel pity toward people who lash out at others. I know their behavior comes from a brokenness inside of them that will be better met with love than bitterness.

Brandon Heath wrote a song called "I'm Not Who I Was" about how different he became once Christ was really the driving force in his life. The chorus goes:
 "I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was"

This could not be more true for me. And I don't even just wish my classmates could see how my life has changed, I really wish High School Sarah could see me now. Man, I would love the heck out of that little girl. I look at my 17-18 year old cell girls and think, "If only a young, 20-something had cared enough to walk along side me, what would my life be like now?" It's funny because I know I'm not the reason my girls will succeed or not, nor did my success rest on the shoulders of anyone else. However, I can't help but wonder, what if someone had wanted to pour into me? I'll never know for sure what it would have been like if someone had cared enough to disciple me in high school, but sometimes I wonder what I would tell High School Sarah if I could see her now...

Dear High School Me,You don't even know what you're missing. You know Jesus and you love him but you don't know how to make that deeper than just understanding what happened on the Cross and the "rules" of the bible. You have this ache inside of you but you don't know how to fill it or what fits in that space, so you're shoving every piece of the world you can find into it hoping something will click. I can tell you right now that none of it works out. Not attention from guys, or the perfect wardrobe, or a mean girl personality is going to make you feel at home in your skin. You know why? This isn't home, not really. You don't feel comfortable here because you were not made for this world, and yet you are trying so desperately to become a part of it.
You want so badly to stand out from the crowd, but ironically you are trying to do so by looking just like them. Its like trying to be the best toilet at the toilet store. HELLO! YOU'RE STILL A TOILET. You really want to stand out? Sit with the people no one sits with at lunch. Ask your lunch lady how you can help her after the food line is finished. Pray for your teammates every day after practice.
You don't know it now, but an amazing man is waiting for you. You're going to really regret chasing different guys and using them as your litmus test for joy. Nobody measures up to your future husband and you'll spend many days in your future wishing you had just saved every little piece of your heart for him.
Also, please stop being so rude to people. You won't know til years later the people you hurt by trying to be funny in front of your friends, and truthfully you will probably never know how many people you cut down with your sharp words. The smugness you feel from tearing others down will fade and you will be left feeling sick to your stomach for making anyone else feel so small.  And worst of all, you represented your Savior each and every day, and you made him out to be a pretentious jerk a lot of times.
Spend time with your sister, she needs you more than you know. Stop being so caught up in your own world and hug her. Make sure she knows that nothing can change your love for her. Ever.

I know that sounds like a lot of negative, but don't worry, you have some good stuff going on, too. Continue finding happiness in giving joy to others. You'll slowly realize you are the most fulfilled when ministering to those around you. You are a natural leader and peacemaker, you love including everyone and you are good at it. Do more of this.  Most importantly, seek after that very small flame that is burning for Christ. Trust me, it's about to get a whole lot bigger and your world will be turned upside down.
The crazy thing is, you will have the exact experience you are meant to have, High School Me, because God has a plan for you. Trust in Him more and you will slowly start to embrace the things of the Light instead of things of this world. I love you so much, sweet girl- you have so much yet to learn. Two years from now Christ will grab your heart and show you what it means to know Him as more than a story. Search for that, cherish it, then never let it go.


Love,
Future You