I'm Not Who I Was

I'll be coming up on my 10 year high school reunion before too long and I got to thinking the other day about how different I am now. I'm not sure who would see more of a contrast, myself or the people that I went to high school with. I catch myself thinking all the time, "man, I would have never done ______ in high school."
-For instance, in high school I sang at church, but I liked the songs that had a lot of scales and a large range with a key change in there somewhere. Nowadays I would always choose an acoustic song with little emphasis on my voice and a lot of emphasis on powerful lyrics.
-In high school I would try to sneak out of the house in the shortest skirt possible because I wanted to feel wanted. Now I have a husband who finds me unconditionally beautiful and a Savior who has made me beautiful from the inside out.
-In high school I was sometimes incredibly rude, hateful, and snobby because I thought that's what life was about-giving out what's been given to you. Now (through the grace of the Holy Spirit) I feel pity toward people who lash out at others. I know their behavior comes from a brokenness inside of them that will be better met with love than bitterness.

Brandon Heath wrote a song called "I'm Not Who I Was" about how different he became once Christ was really the driving force in his life. The chorus goes:
 "I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was"

This could not be more true for me. And I don't even just wish my classmates could see how my life has changed, I really wish High School Sarah could see me now. Man, I would love the heck out of that little girl. I look at my 17-18 year old cell girls and think, "If only a young, 20-something had cared enough to walk along side me, what would my life be like now?" It's funny because I know I'm not the reason my girls will succeed or not, nor did my success rest on the shoulders of anyone else. However, I can't help but wonder, what if someone had wanted to pour into me? I'll never know for sure what it would have been like if someone had cared enough to disciple me in high school, but sometimes I wonder what I would tell High School Sarah if I could see her now...

Dear High School Me,You don't even know what you're missing. You know Jesus and you love him but you don't know how to make that deeper than just understanding what happened on the Cross and the "rules" of the bible. You have this ache inside of you but you don't know how to fill it or what fits in that space, so you're shoving every piece of the world you can find into it hoping something will click. I can tell you right now that none of it works out. Not attention from guys, or the perfect wardrobe, or a mean girl personality is going to make you feel at home in your skin. You know why? This isn't home, not really. You don't feel comfortable here because you were not made for this world, and yet you are trying so desperately to become a part of it.
You want so badly to stand out from the crowd, but ironically you are trying to do so by looking just like them. Its like trying to be the best toilet at the toilet store. HELLO! YOU'RE STILL A TOILET. You really want to stand out? Sit with the people no one sits with at lunch. Ask your lunch lady how you can help her after the food line is finished. Pray for your teammates every day after practice.
You don't know it now, but an amazing man is waiting for you. You're going to really regret chasing different guys and using them as your litmus test for joy. Nobody measures up to your future husband and you'll spend many days in your future wishing you had just saved every little piece of your heart for him.
Also, please stop being so rude to people. You won't know til years later the people you hurt by trying to be funny in front of your friends, and truthfully you will probably never know how many people you cut down with your sharp words. The smugness you feel from tearing others down will fade and you will be left feeling sick to your stomach for making anyone else feel so small.  And worst of all, you represented your Savior each and every day, and you made him out to be a pretentious jerk a lot of times.
Spend time with your sister, she needs you more than you know. Stop being so caught up in your own world and hug her. Make sure she knows that nothing can change your love for her. Ever.

I know that sounds like a lot of negative, but don't worry, you have some good stuff going on, too. Continue finding happiness in giving joy to others. You'll slowly realize you are the most fulfilled when ministering to those around you. You are a natural leader and peacemaker, you love including everyone and you are good at it. Do more of this.  Most importantly, seek after that very small flame that is burning for Christ. Trust me, it's about to get a whole lot bigger and your world will be turned upside down.
The crazy thing is, you will have the exact experience you are meant to have, High School Me, because God has a plan for you. Trust in Him more and you will slowly start to embrace the things of the Light instead of things of this world. I love you so much, sweet girl- you have so much yet to learn. Two years from now Christ will grab your heart and show you what it means to know Him as more than a story. Search for that, cherish it, then never let it go.


Love,
Future You

6 Month Update

Dear Titus,
At 6 months...

• Your reflux came back in full force and you wouldn't eat more than 2oz at a time :( so we bumped you up to 30mg of Prevacid.
• 3-6 month clothes fit you perfectly except your pants are still a little long.
• You weigh about 18 pounds.
• You are wearing size 3 diapers.
• Your body is in the 50th percentile and your head is in the 70th, which means you're finally catching up to your head size!
• Everyone says you have my eyes.
• We started you on baby food and you love it! Green beans are your favorite but you hate peas. You eat 30oz of formula a day and two servings of baby food for lunch and dinner.
• You sleep from 7:30pm-6:30am (11 hours).
• You take naps at 8:30, 12:30, and 4:30, but some days you only take 2 long naps (which is awesome!)
• When you get tired you flap your arms like a bird to keep yourself from falling asleep.
• You LOVE flashing lights. Any toys with flashing lights mesmerize you.
• Your new favorite games are:
•  playing airplane with daddy. You love being "flown" in the air!
• peek-a-boo. You love when someone holds you and I pop up from behind the couch!
• You like watching Bosco and Lucy play catch in the backyard. You've even started trying to grab the puppies when they get close to you.
• You are getting pretty good at sitting up as long as someone is spotting you (you can do it for 10 seconds on your own then you start to tip over). 
• You roll over both ways and scoot all around your crib during the night.
• You have a lot of blonde hair growing in and so you don't look like a ginger anymore. Yay!
• You have moved out of your screaming phase and now you are growling. Every month is a new noise with you!
• All the workers in the nursery say that you keep them entertained on Sunday mornings. You have the most personality of all the babies and talk and giggle the whole time!
• As soon as I go to get you out of your crib you start giggling and no matter how early it is, I can't help but laugh at you! 
• You have started coming at me with an open mouth and I think you are trying to give me kisses. My sweet boy :)

You are half a year old, sweet boy. I can't believe I get to wake up to your smiling face everyday. You were dedicate this month and your daddy and I do not take that lightly. We pray for your salvation every day and plan to stick to our promise to raise you up in the light of the Lord. There is a story of a woman in the Old Testament named Hannah who prayed for years to have a baby. When Samuel was born she took him to the temple and dedicated him to the Lord, saying, "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted my request" (1 Sam 1:27). We prayed for you, little man, and the Lord did not disappoint. 

We love you to the moon and back.

My Best 154 Days

A friend of mine recently posted about Taylor Swift's new song "Ronan" which she wrote about a little boy who lost his battle with cancer at the tender age of four. I, of course, couldn't help my curiosity (even though I know these types of things make me an emotional wreck for hours/days afterward) and googled the story. I found the blog written by Ronan's mommy, Maya, where she had penned the story of her sweet boy and his hard fought battle. I read all about her love for Ronan and her guilt that she couldn't save him and her genuine belief that even up until the very last second, they would receive a miracle. Then (just to torture myself) I looked up the video of Taylor Swift singing the song at the Stand Up 2 Cancer benefit. Taylor (we're on a first name basis) had taken bits and pieces from her conversations with Maya and excerpts from her blog and composed a song from Maya's point of view. She sang of ghost memories of Ronan still dancing in the house and how she could still feel his hand in hers and of the moment she gave him permission to let go. And most importantly, she sang about how lucky she was to have even gotten a single day with him, singing, "You were my best four years."

I was already sobbing from reading the blog (I only made it through 1.5 posts and one picture of sweet Ronan) and this really sent me over the edge. I'm talking, kneeling on the floor and praying to my sweet Savior to hold this family close. I just prayed over and over again that he would bring them comfort and thanked him for my little blessing asleep in the next room.

It seems that since Titus became a part of our lives these stories are happening more frequently, although I'm sure they happened before him. I just have a heightened awareness now because as a mommy you cannot help but think, "What would I do if that were my sweet baby?" When I was pregnant a couple that is in Community Group with close friends of ours lost their toddler in his sleep with no explanation (Hill Family Blog). Another couple lost their baby at 23 weeks pregnant after already knowing the gender and having the name picked out. My Facebook newsfeed seems to be covered with Pages dedicated to precious babies who are fighting or have lost their fight to different syndromes and diseases. Most recently, some good friends of ours delivered their baby early due to complications and our gracious Lord has given her the chance to live (Kaundart Family).

Half of me screams AVOID! AVOID! as soon as I see these stories, but the other half quietly whispers "Life is but a breath," and reminds me to cherish every second I have with Titus. There are so many moments that we were not promised and yet we were given anyway.
Moments like when we were finally able to get pregnant and he grew big and healthy in mommy's tummy. When he was born and his arms flailed around wildly and his lungs filled with air. The first time that he smiled and his eyes changed completely, like they learned how to glitter. When he first used his jumper and his tiny world was filled with joy. The many times he has snuggled into my chest when he is sleepy. His old man laugh that is so infectious. All the bath times where he has kicked his feet and surprised himself when he splashes water in his face. The moments he stares at me with his big blue eyes when I'm feeding him like I am the only person in the whole world.
All of these are gifts.

Titus has been with us for 154 days now.
My best 154 days.

5 Month Update

This has been the first month that seemed to have less than 30 days! I can't believe how quickly we got to you being 5 months old...

Dear Titus,
At five months...

• You eat 6oz every 3.5-4 hours (about 25oz a day)

• You weight about 16.5 lbs

• You sleep unswaddled in your crib from around 8:30-7:00 (10-11 hours)

• You still wear size 2 diapers, but wear size 3 diapers at night

• You are ticklish! And sometimes you have a deep belly laugh that sounds like a grown man :)

• You are in a phase where you scream when you get excited. You think it's so funny! But you also scream when you are bored, tired, hungry, mad, happy, talking.... You are just really loud in general (surprise!)

• All daddy has to do is look at you and you start laughing! You think he is the funniest person ever (but mommy still gets the most smiles)

• You LOVE your jumper. You can't reach the ground yet, though, so we have to put a box under your feet.

• You are in the 30th percentile for body and 70th for head size...

• You have started jabbering a lot and practicing new mouth noises

• You are doing a bit of teething so your favorite toy is your Sophie Giraffe from Aunt Katelyn. You chew on that thing (as well as fingers) non-stop!

• You figured out how the mirror works and you laugh at yourself when you look at it. You must think you're pretty funny!

• Your eyes are settling into a deeper blue than mine. You may have even less genetics from me than we previously thought! :) But they are beautiful.

• You are doing these belly crunches when you lay on our laps because you want to sit up on your own. In time, sweet boy!

• You are really great at standing (with help) and you love to do it all the time!

• You finally have a nap schedule for the most part (yaaaay!!). You take 2- hour and a half naps (usually around 9am and 1pm) and then a shorter catnap (30-45min) around 4-5pm. You almost always nap in your swing (you still won't nap in your crib).

• You are closer to wearing 6 month clothes than 3 month, but they're still a little big on you.

• You have really started noticing Bosco and Lucy and love to watch them wherever they go.

• You have started cuddling into my chest when someone makes you smile like you are bashful. It is the cutest thing ever and makes your mommy feel so loved!

Titus James you are adorable! The older you get the more like your daddy you become. You love watching football and you are LOUD :) I love that you are like him already but I pray that you would grow to be a man of God like he is. I pray that you would be a faithful and serving husband to your wife one day, that you would be a respected leader in your community who is known for being wise and just, and I pray that you would prize the Lord above all else. You are so lucky to have your daddy to look up to and I hope that you will be just like him one day... with maybe just a little better clothing ;)

 Reaching for those toes!

This is your typical stance: always doing crunches trying to sit up on your own! 

Using my Fancy Camera

Almost 2 years ago I got a nice DSLR camera for Christmas and I was SO excited! At the time, we were trying to get pregnant and I knew I wanted to have a nice camera before the baby arrived (which wasn't for another year and a half). I started practicing my photography skillzzz on everything- the dogs, flowers, cards I'd made, anything I could get my hands on. At first, I was OBSESSED with figuring out all the fancy tricks and vocabulary that came with this new hobby. But the more I researched, the more confused and overwhelmed I became. It seemed like no matter how much I researched and asked around, I just couldn't get my pictures to be at the level I wanted! So I gave up trying to be the "oh hey, it's no big deal, I'm not a professional but my pictures look great anyway" kind of photographer and settled for being the "I use my auto settings and I'm okay with it" photographer.

Fast forward to today. Titus is here and I really do want to have great pictures of him. I take pictures that are probably better than people who don't have a DSLR, but they're definitely not where they could be! I stumbled across this blog that finally broke down all the fancy terms in a way that I could begin to understand (written by another DSLR newbie). I was so excited to try out her tips and tricks! Lesson one was aperture, which is basically how much light you let in through your lens (aka, how to make the background look blurry). The general idea is that lower aperture keeps one thing in focus and blurs the background, while higher aperture brings the whole picture into focus and gives everything detail.

The homework for this lesson was to shoot a line of objects started at the lowest aperture setting (3.8 for my camera) up to the highest (25 for my camera) and noticing the difference. I set my camera to Aperture Priority, which just means that everything else (white balance, ISO, etc.) were on auto and the only thing I was changing was the aperture setting.

So here is my homework assignment for lesson 1:

Did you notice that at 3.8 only the first apple is in focus and by 22 the apples, tablecloth, and chairs are all being brought into focus?

Cool, huh?! I knew the jist of aperture before this, but all the numbers were just overwhelming. This assignment helped to make it feel a little more manageable and I'm excited to try out the next step, shutter speed!

DIY: Overlapping Frame Wall

I've been thinking about this project for a while. Of all the new house projects it took the least "artistic ability" and the most "artistic eye." It mostly involved me finding random little pieces that I thought were cool (like wrought iron keys or a metal bicycle) and buying/refinishing old frames. I really love the finished look!

Here are the supplies I used:

• Old frames from thrift stores
• misc. decor items (smaller than the frames)
• nails
• optional: paint, finishing stain, sandpaper

Step 1) Find frames to hang. I got 5 or 6 at thrift stores for probably $5 and then refinished some of them to make them look vintage (painted them, sanded them down, used finishing stain to make it look old).

Step 2) Find objects you want to place inside the frames. I used wrought iron keys, clocks, poetry, misc. crafts I made.

Step 3) Decide where to hang the frames. Don't be too neat! It's meant to look hectic. I LOVE the look of the frames overlapping, dare you to try it! 

To make the frames overlap just place your background frame where you want it and nail plush to the wall. Then position your foreground frame that you want to float and put nails in as well, but make sure you don't nail them in very far so the frame can be hung an inch or so off the wall (I had to get longer nails for the floating frames).

Step 4) After you have placed all your frames start filling with random stuff! I only bought a couple items and then just tried to grab stuff from around my house that I already owned.

DIY: Reupholstered Chairs

Project: Reupholstered chairs

Here is a project that I thought would be way more complicated than it was. We inherited a beautiful dining room set from my grandparents but unfortunately the cushions were torn and stained in some spots. I had seen lots of tutorials on recovering chairs, but I had never done anything with fabric before and it was really intimidating. But alas, being poor finally forced my hand as buying new furniture was just not in the cards :)

Supplies needed:

• Staple gun (I ordered one off of Amazon for $9.99, and it included staples and a case)
• Fabric (I got mine from fabric.com for like $7 a yard + free shipping!)
• Drill

Here are my chairs before:

 and my chairs after!

Step 1) Use drill to remove screws from the bottom of chair and take off cushion

Step 2) Line up cushion on fabric and make sure you cut out enough to reach about 1-2 inches around the back so you have plenty of room to staple it to the bottom

 Step 3) Remember where your screw holes are!!! I took a marker and poked a hole then circled it so I would be able to find it again (don't worry, this will be covered up by the wood and you won't be able to see it.

Step 4) Pull fabric very tight (works best with one person holding fabric and one stapling) and staple one side to the cushion. Then do the same thing with the opposite side of the fabric. Make sure that if there is a pattern (mine was chevron) that it is lined up straight before stapling the second side.
Step 5) Staple the other two sides and staple the corners last. Since I am not a perfectionist my folded corners were pretty sloppy, but it didn't matter because no one sees the bottom of the cushion.

Voila!