Thankful for the Bad Stuff?

What a weird concept, being thankful for bad things happening. I had a great reminder of why we need to do this in my (extremely well timed) devotional this morning.

"Thank me for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.
Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows all your problems."

This was exactly what I needed to hear today. Ever since I had Titus there are moments where I find myself wallowing in self-pity over various things. Today was about to be one of those days until I read this! So as difficult as it might be, I am going to be thankful for the good AND the bad.

• I am thankful for my son. I am thankful that he is healthy and at home when many babies are in the hospital or even gone to be with you.
• I am thankful that you have made his reflux better, even if he still has trouble from time to time.
• I am thankful that he is a good sleeper at night. 
• I am thankful that he is asleep right now in his nursery for a nap for the first time in a very long time! Even if this doesn't continue to happen always, I am thankful that you have let it happen sometimes. I am thankful that you are giving my sweet baby peace right now and that he is resting in your arms when he can't rest in mine.
• I am thankful for each smile and giggle that you bless me with. I understand now why Jesus always wanted to be with the little children when he was on earth; I truly feel the joy of the Lord when my chubby little boy smiles up at me.
• I am thankful for a husband that provides even when that job requires him to have a pretty hectic schedule. I am thankful that you gave Titus a daddy that WANTS to be a daddy and enjoys spending time with him.
• I am thankful that you have given me the opportunity to stay home and start a ministry with my son. A lot of times I miss my job and wish that I were still working, but I know that the fruit of my new ministry will be fulfilling and I praise you for that.
• I am thankful for lots of love and support from family and friends as transitioned to this new season of life. Sometimes all it takes is a little reassurance from people who have already been through it to know I will make it through, too.
• I am thankful for your promise to never leave me. Even on the days where I hardly get any sleep or Titus is fussy or Garland is gone and I'm missing him, you are always right there with me. You love me indefinitely and you have given me many more blessings than I deserve.

⁴  Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:4-6

This Magic Moment

I was having a discussion with my friend Stephanie the other day about when salvation happens. You've got two options:
1) Salvation happens the moment you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins and you repent of your sins.
2) Salvation happens when you begin walking with Christ and living your life for him.

Both Stephanie and I leaned toward option 1, belief is all that is required for salvation. John 3:16 doesn't say "If you are a solid bro and do a daily devotional and serve the poor and pray all the time then you're saved." But one question that I couldn't get past for option 1 was can you believe in the gospel story yet never live it out and still be saved? It would seem possible, since all around the world (and especially in America) there are people who claim Christianity and would even say they believe Jesus was the son of God who died for us, yet they live for themselves and bear no fruit of redemption.
Which lead to a second question, If you never live it out and don't have an actual relationship with the Lord, are you still saved? My answer to this question is this: I don't really think option 1 or 2 is wholly correct, because I don't think you can truly understand the gospel and NOT have a relationship with Christ. At the point that you feel the full weight of what Christ has done for you, his grace becomes irresistible. 

Take myself as a case study. I grew up in a Christian home and got baptized at the age of 8. I would say that I knew the story of Jesus dying on the cross and I really believed it. I never once doubted that Jesus was who he said he was and did what he said he did. I followed all the rules of the bible and that was my religion, the rules. But this was based on fear; fear of getting in trouble, fear of having a bad reputation, etc., instead of what it should have been based on: The need to walk in the way of the Lord because I loved him so much I couldn't help but want to be more like him.

For me, I would say I became a Christian at the age of 8 when I first believed, but my process of sanctification (becoming more like Christ) didn't really start until I was going to college. I vividly remember being at a night of worship and hearing a song that finally made me realize the most important thing about being a Christian. Not following rules like I'd always thought, but realizing the weight of my sin and how much it cost Jesus to take it on. I broke. I literally knelt on the floor surrounded by hundreds of people and sobbed and just THANKED HIM for ever thinking I could be worth his Son's death. I don't know why God chose that moment to show me how much I had been living for myself, but I am thankful he revealed to me just how imperfect I really am so that I could begin having an honest relationship with him.

Here's the song, I will never forget the words as long as I live.

Beloved

Lord it was You, 

You created the heavens.

And Lord, it was Your hands

That put the stars in their place.

Lord, it was Your voice

That commands the morning.

'Cause even oceans and their waves bow at your feet, O Lord.

Lord, who am I

Compared to Your glory?

Lord, who am I

Compared to Your majesty?

Lord it was You, 

You created the heavens.

And Lord, it was Your hands

That put the stars in their place.

Lord, it was Your voice

That commands the morning.

'Cause even oceans and their waves bow at your feet, O Lord.

'Cause I'm your beloved, 

Your creation, 

And You love me as I am.

You've called me, chosen

For Your kingdom.

Unashamed to call me your own-

I'm your beloved.

Maternity Pics: Better Late than Never!

So I may not be pregnant anymore, but I couldn't miss the chance to share with you the beautiful maternity pictures that Brooke Robinson took for us! She is an unbelievably wonderful woman and a great photographer to boot! You can check out her other photos at brookerobinson.com. Enjoy!

2 Months

I can't believe it's been two months since I've blogged! It is an anomaly of being a new mom that you can be completely busy all day and yet get nothing accomplished. Promise I'll get back to blogging soon! I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around about everything I've learned in the past few months... For now, I'll just give you the two month update! Can you believe he's 8 weeks old??

Dear Titus,
At two months old you...

• Weight 10lbs and are almost out of newborn clothes and diapers (but 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers still look huge on you, so we'll have to wait a little bit before moving up!)
• Eat a 5oz bottle for your last feeding at night and the rest of the day you are breastfed.
• You are such a slow eater! You eat for 40 minutes every 2.5 hours. This is really cramping mommy's schedule, so please start eating faster ;)
• You have developed Acid Reflux and started Zantac 3 weeks ago. Last week you started choking on acid during the night and had to sleep on mommy's chest to be able to breathe :( It was very scary but we switched you to Prevacid and it seems to be working better. You still gurgle a lot during the day from the acid, but it doesn't seem to bother you too much!
• In the past 4-5 days you have started settling into a general schedule. You eat for the last time between 8-9pm and then sleep until 4am. You wake up and feed then go back to sleep at 5am (after 40ish minutes of feeding, a diaper change, and sometimes 10-15 minutes of soothing to get back down), then sleep until 8-8:30am. At this point the schedule basically ends, lol, and you just eat and nap whenever you want throughout the rest of the day.
• When you are wide awake you can hold your head up on your own. When you get sleepy it starts to bob all over the place.
• You seem like you are bored with not being able to move enough and are ready to walk! You kick your legs all the time and love standing.
• Sometimes you smile but it never seems in response to anything I'm doing. In fact, when I try to make you laugh you cross your eyes and turn your mouth into a little "o" and just stare at me like I'm an idiot!
• Napping is still hard for you and you don't do it very soundly. But you sleep very soundly at night, so it's okay by me!
• You don't like being put into your car seat very much but you always fall asleep in the car. You do, however, love being in your stroller and the Baby Bjorn!
• Your favorite thing to do is look out the window from the living room recliner. You sit on your boppy lounger and just stare and coo and kick for up to an hour.
• You prefer tummy time on mommy or daddy instead of the floor, but it doesn't matter because you are already a very strong little boy!
• You play with your tongue all the time, I guess it's because it's the only thing you really have any control over :)

When you fall asleep in my arms I think that I will never ever move again because I don't want the moment to end. Your sweet, sleeping face and gentle sighs and giggles as you nod off make everything else worth while. I can't wait until you can do it on purpose when you are awake!

One Month!!

Titus is officially one month old today! I can finally look back on the last four weeks and confirm that it does, indeed, get easier! It's still not a piece of cake, but Titus and I are already getting into more of a daily ritual.

Dear Titus,
At one month old you...

• Eat for 30-40 minutes every 3 1/2-4 hours during the day, followed by about 30-45 minutes of awake time.
• Starting at 3 weeks you began having trouble getting out your gas and you wake yourself up during your naps. Gripe Water helps a lot and fortunately you will go back to sleep if mommy holds you against her chest :)
• You sleep a 5-6 hour stretch at night and daddy feeds you one bottle at night, where you eat about 3.5-4 oz.
• You love tummy time! You will do it for about 15 minutes before you are ready to switch activities.
• You do NOT like bouncers but you LOVE your swing.
• Your biggest pet peeve is being cold! You never want to be naked and basically only cry when you get your diaper changed. You also love being swaddled even though you try to get your hands out sometimes...
• Bath time is still confusing you to, I think you want to like it but the getting naked part starts you off in a bad place. You make the cutest confused face the whole time you're in the tub, like you're trying to figure out whether to cry or giggle.
• My favorite time of day with you is when you start to fall asleep. Your facial expressions change every couple of seconds and you seem like you're having the best dreams ever! Plus this is when I get to see your dimples that you got from your daddy :)
• You love lifting your head off my shoulder when you get burped and starting around 2 weeks could lift your head from side to side during tummy time. You are a strong little man!
• You have been wearing premie outfits until this past week when you have been able to wear some VERY SMALL newborn outfits. Most regular newborn outfits are still too long on you!
• You don't use your binkie very often but you're beginning to get the hang of it! When you have it in you mouth you have started pressing the back of your hand against it to keep it in.
• You look EXACTLY like your daddy did as a baby!

I can't wait for you to begin smiling and cooing at me! Mommy loves you so much and is so thankful that you are a very healthy baby. Lots of people have prayed for you, sweet baby boy, and our prayers were answered! You are such a blessing and I can't wait to see everything you do in the next month :)

Postpartum Depression

Even though the topic of postpartum depression has become more politically correct to diagnose and talk about in the 21st century, it has by no means alleviated the taboo or stigma attached to it. First, let's clear up some misconceptions.
-Postpartum depression is the change in emotional behavior caused by the imbalance of hormones after delivering a baby. It is completely natural and there is NOTHING a woman can do to control it.
-There are 3 levels of postpartum depression:
1) Baby blues. This is the typical experience most women have after delivery (80%) which includes lots of crying or the feeling of being overwhelmed; really just an emotional roller coaster. On average, the baby blues are worst for the first two weeks and are usually gone altogether by 4-6 weeks and require no medication, just getting as much sleep and help as possible.
2) Postpartum depression affects about 20% of women and is a more serious threat to mommy and baby. This level is usually diagnosed by thoughts for the woman to hurt herself or hurt the baby or if the "baby blues" symptoms continue past the first 4-6 weeks of the baby's life. Anti-depressants are a standard option to help with PPD and within a few weeks a woman should be feeling a little more leveled in her emotions.
3) Postpartum psychosis: Very few women are diagnosed with postpartum psychosis, but it is extremely dangerous and is usually characterized by the mother losing touch with reality, including hallucinations, illogical thought processing, and suicidal/homicidal thoughts.
- More women suffer from postpartum depression every year than the amount of people who break an ankle or have a stroke.
-Only 20% of women actually talk to their healthcare provider about their postpartum feelings. Most women feel ashamed to even ask questions.

I am blogging about this because even though I knew a lot about postpartum due to working at a pregnancy crisis center, it's just not the same as experiencing it. For me, it started with getting a virus when Titus was 5 days old that laste for a week and caused me to feel constantly nauseous and have diarrhea and a fever. I became extremely anxious about getting Titus sick, about not being able to keep up my milk supply, and about the radical shift my life had taken overnight.
Even after my virus went away I continued to experience the nausea, diarrhea, and fever on and off throughout the day. On top of that I started not being able to sleep, my heart would race and my stomach would clinch throughout the day. The worst was that my lack of appetite/nausea got so bad that I barely ate for 10 days and lost all 27lbs of baby weight before his two week check up (just FYI, I would trade in a second an extra 10lbs to have skipped the first two weeks). My doctor told me that he thought it was all stemming from my postpartum hormones and there was not really much we could do about that because as long as you breastfeed your hormone levels remain about the same from week 3 on.
I was devastated. I had been feeling so sick and anxious and generally unhappy all the time that I felt like if I was left alone with Titus I wouldn't be competent or healthy enough to care for him. Now I was being told it would continue to be like this indefinitely? I started crying in the Target parking lot while my mom just hugged me and told me it would be okay. They offered to put me on anti-depressants but warned me that a) even if it got rid of my anxiety it might add other side effects, like constant drowsiness or a general feeling of "weirdness," and b) that it could take 2 weeks for the medicine to kick in and even longer after that to get me on the "right" medication and dosage to work right for me.
I knew at this point there was going to be no easy fix so we needed to figure out what to do next.
Garland and I talked it over and decided that while anti-depressants were not off the table altogether, we would like to try a few things on our own before going that route. Examples: 
-We started giving Titus a bottle in the middle of the night so that Garland could feed and I could get some extra sleep.
-We worked really hard to make sure I got out of the house every day and that we even got out of the house WITHOUT Titus from time to time, even just to run to Sonic.
-I stopped being so stringent about his feeding schedule and just let him eat and sleep whenever he wanted (I would only suggest this after baby has gained back his birth weight and is healthy).
-I made a "thankful list" of all the things that were going well so I could pray and thank God for all he had given me instead of focusing on everything that was going wrong.
-I had to make a concerted effort to NOT think about the future. In fact, it became my prayer for God to just get me through the next hour (I continue to pray this several times a day).
-I tried to do some "normal" things, like blogging and cleaning the bathrooms.
-I had my mom write down some encouraging bible verses on note cards and when I'm feeling overwhelmed or anxious or sick I just read those over and over again. Sometimes this is the most I have energy to do, but I know that the Lord is providing me with what I need to get through each day.

Overall, the one thing that has helped me most to cope with my "baby blues" came from a friend who had a very difficult postpartum experience as well. She told me that it's okay to have a "mourning period" over the loss of my old life. All the things I loved about my life before Titus came (my job, social outings, my busy schedule, one on one time with Garland, SLEEP, staying up late, living my life based solely on what I want to do, etc) no longer existed. I found myself crying because I missed Garland even when he was sitting on the couch right beside me-even our nights at home together are just not the same, we are focusing on sustaining another life instead of each other. Then I would feel guilty that I missed my life before my baby; I felt like an awful mommy for ever feeling like it was better before he came. But realizing that I am literally having to bury my old life in exchange for a new, much less self-centered life has helped me to cope and to know that  feeling this way does not mean I do not love my baby. It just means that becoming selfless is a very difficult road to travel.

We are past week 3 and I am feeling less anxious and healthier every day. I know it gets better, everyone keeps telling me to wait until 4-6-8 weeks and it will be easier. But at this point, I am living day by day, and at a lot of points, hour by hour. I would not have been able to make it through these first three weeks if it had not been for my loving God. He was my constant friend and companion even in my mourning.

He will feed his flock like a shepherd.
    He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart.
    He will gently lead the mothers with their young.
Isaiah 40:11

The Birth Story

Here is the birth story!

On April 10th I was 37 1/2 weeks pregnant and at 12:30 am my water broke while I was sleeping. It was just like being in a movie! Just a little bit of water leaked out so I went to the bathroom and prayed that if this was the real deal God would make it obvious. Sure enough, I stood up and the leak turned into a steady stream. I woke Garland up (who handled the whole situation like a champ, definitely the calm one of the two of us!) and we started packing our last minute items (we already had a lot of stuff packed). We checked into triage around 1:15 and they had me do a test to make sure my water broke. This was ironic because in the minutes I spent waiting for the test to be done a puddle had formed around my ankles because I was leaking so much fluid! At 2am they finally cleared us for full-on labor and measured me at 1cm dilated and 0% effaced (at this point we knew it would be a long day). We moved to a Labor and Delivery room and starting making all the calls to the grandparents and sending texts to our friends.

We tried to sleep some throughout the night, but between the uncomfortable couch for Garland and the contractions I was having, we didn't even get a wink (we were way too excited). The grandparents started showing up around 3am and we were having a really happening party! By 7am I had not progressed any so they decided to start Pitocin and estimated that I would be in labor for at least another 8-10 hours. I made it through about an hour of Pitocin contractions before asking for the epidural and this was a GREAT decision! I could feel my legs but I didn't feel any pain, and I thought getting my IV put in hurt much worse than getting my epidural put in (I say "to each their own" when it comes to deciding on whether to use pain meds during labor or not, but I will tell you this, if you are going to have a long labor or if they have to use induction meds, I would DEFINITELY recommend it!). Another benefit of the epidural: It killed my appetite, which was a total blessing because the only thing making me grumpy at this point was being hungry and eating only ice chips!

Fast forward to 10am and I had progressed to a 2.5 and 70% effaced. By noon I have reached a 4 and 90%, so things were beginning to move quicker (the nurse said getting to 4 is the longest part). Here is where we enter what I now refer to as "the dark hours." I started feeling some pain from my contractions (which I hadn't felt since I got the epidural) and called the nurse in, who said it wasn't unusual to start feeling a little pain as the contractions progressed. She hooked me up to the epidural push pump and told me I could pump extra medicine every 15 minutes into my direct epidural line for an extra kick. I started pushing the button but for the next 45 minutes the pain only got progressively worse. At this point the pain was getting so strong that we kicked everyone out of the room, turned off the lights, and Garland and I sat there in the dark breathing through the contractions. The anesthesiologist came in after this had been going on for two hours and checked the push pump, which was working fine. He then gave me a speech that can basically be summarized as, "labor can be painful, you probably just have low pain tolerance and need to suck it up." As he was leaving, he turned to the nurse and said we should check to make sure the epidural line was still in my back, as a few and far between times he had seen it fall out. Sure enough, they flipped me over and all the epidural medicine was pooled under the tape and the epidural line wasn't in my back whatsoever. At this point I'm having contractions every minute to minute and a half and I'm bent over the bed waiting for him to reinsert it and he decides NOW is a good time to mull over how it came out. He kept asking if we'd shoved a pillow down by my back or moved the blanket weird and I just wanted to scream WHO THE FREAK CARES PUT IT BACK IN!!! They finally put it back and within 15 minutes I felt relief. They measured me right after that (at 2:30pm) and I was at a 7 and 90% (from what I've been told from other moms, contractions at a 7 while on Pitocin are nothing to sneeze at. This actually secured my choice to get an epidural because I got to experience labor without medicine and liked it much better before!).


By 3:30 the party was back on and I was feeling great again, so I was really surprised when the nurse told me I was at a 10 and 100% and we were ready for Titus to get here! AHHHHHH!!!!! Everyone left the room and they put me in the stirrups and it was all I could do to keep from giggling because I was so nervous and was I really going to push a baby out of me?! The nurse started me on my pushes and after about 10 minutes my doctor arrived (I got lucky and delivered during the day so I got to deliver with my prenatal doctor). Once Dr. Mason had me pushing things got a little strange. From the combination of low blood pressure, not eating for 20 hours, and not sleeping, I started having what they call "vasovagal episodes" which is a fancy name for my heart rate dropping so low I would pass out. Y'all, I was PASSING OUT DURING LABOR. It was the strangest thing, I would be pushing and when I would wake up only a couple of seconds would have passed, but I would just hear my doctor saying, "You HAVE to push." Garland told me later that when I would pass out my head would fall back to my pillow and he just thought I was giving up! Ha! I finally worked up the words to tell them I was passing out and my doctor gave me a couple more breaths between pushes and I didn't pass out any more after the first 3 times.


At 4:16pm after 18 minutes of pushing Titus James Autry was born into the world with a head of hair that would make a grown man jealous. He was born face up and came out so fast that Dr. Mason literally had to drop to a knee to catch him because he FELL. OUT. Titus was 6lb 3oz, 18 inches long, and I will forever remember praying for that first cry. I can't say enough about how incredible my husband was throughout the whole process, he did exactly what I needed him to do and was an amazing daddy from the first moment on. While they were stitching me up (I turned to my doctor in my delusion and said, "Okay doc, what's the damage?" he told me I had a 2nd degree tear which I was glad I couldn't feel!) Garland went and stood with Titus and the nurses and brought pictures to me on his iphone. I had tears streaming down my face and just kept praising our faithful God for giving us this baby we had prayed so long to be able to conceive.


I don't think I have ever been more thankful in my whole life than in that moment.