Coming Out of the Closet

I don't even know how to begin this blog. Most of my blog posts are on topics I've been thinking about for a day or two, or possibly a week at most. But how do you begin to explain a topic you've been thinking about for over a year? A struggle that is so near and dear to your heart that every day is a constant reminder that you've held it a secret?


The thing is, I have no idea how to articulate this and not have it be a billion pages long, so I'm just going to jump in at the beginning and try to keep it short. Fifteen months ago Garland and I agreed that we were ready to have a baby. The Lord had really been softening my heart toward the idea of having a baby until it got to the point that it didn't seem scary anymore but felt like an idea that had been there forever. I don't know how to explain it except that it seemed like God had changed the shape of my heart to include a little piece for a baby, and it just felt so comfortable putting that "baby want" in the crook of my heart.


Long story short, we haven't gotten pregnant. Fifteen months later we are still daily praying and asking God to give us our little one. We have been to doctors, tried medicine, tried different medicine, drawn blood, ran tests, tried non-medical theories, pretty much everything up until the surgical options. When people ask when we are having kids, I usually make a joke or something to keep from being in the awkward position of either a) lying about it or b) telling the truth and having them give me the pity face. I HATE THE PITY FACE! This is always followed up by what can sometimes be a very weird conversation about my body and why we can't get pregnant (which is very strange and personal thing to talk about in the middle of walmart, church, etc.).


A lot of people give me the sad face and ask, "How are you feeling about all this?" I have been all over the place emotionally, from confused to angry to peaceful to absolutely bottom-of-the-barrel-sad. I have witnessed friends and loved ones get pregnant, give birth, and some even get pregnant again. But through all of this, I know the Lord has a purpose. You might wonder why I decided to share now after keeping it private for so long. This is a complicated and also very easy answer at the same time. The first thing that happened was I was introduced to Michelle Yount's blog where she shares about her struggle with infertility. Reading her posts and seeing the supportive comments she got really encouraged me that I could open up about my struggle as well. But the real kicker was that I finally realized that this trial in my life will eventually have a happy ending (whether that's through pregnancy or adoption) and if no one knows we even went through the trial, how will they be able to see how the Lord has blessed us through it?


So what have I learned over the past 15 months? This is the good part.
1) I love  my husband and our life together with or without a baby. I am already way more blessed than many women who live in a broken home.
2) God would not give me a "baby want" if he didn't plan to fulfill that. So I know that whether it's through pregnancy or adoption I will have the opportunity to raise our little one.
3) I haven't gotten pregnant yet because our baby will give more glory to the Kingdom of God being born at a later date than right now. (Gosh, why did it take me til like month 11 to figure this out?!)
4) A lot of people say, "Oh, well you're only 24, it's not that big of a deal! You have plenty of time left." Wrong. No matter what age I am, it's a big deal to me. I have been praying and hoping for this baby for 15 months, and whether I'm 24 or 34 my heart still aches.
5) James 1:2-4: "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." This is truth.


So there it is! I already feel excited/nervous/anxious that it's out there and I can't take it back, but I know the Lord will use our story to touch someone else's life.