Haddie Mae: 7 months

Dear Haddie,
At 7 months...

• You wear 6-9 month clothes but pants are big around your waist
• You weigh about 16 pounds.
• You wear size 3 diapers
• People make a lot of comments about how you look like your brother and especially how red your hair still is!
• You take 2 naps a day, usually around 10 and 2. If you take a good afternoon nap (sleeping til after 4), you'll stay up til 7:30. If your afternoon nap is short you will go to bed around 6:30.
• I get up with you a few times a night, usually to put your paci back in. A lot of people suggest I let you figure out how to soothe yourself back to sleep, but you are just such an incredibly good baby that I can't help but indulge you in the one thing you are a diva about (night time paci). But you don't always wake up, occasionally you sleep through til 6:30 or 7 and I feel like a new woman!
• Sometimes you eat in the middle of the night but sometimes you wait til an early morning feeding (5:30-6:30am) and then go usually go back to sleep until 7:30 or 8. When you wake in the middle of the night and want to eat it's usually because you don't feel good.
• You still nap swaddled in your swing like a champ (usually 1.5-3 hours each nap). Since you're the second child I haven't tried to move you, because WHY MESS WITH A GOOD THING?! We'll get there once you're too big for the swing.
• When you get tired you start rubbing your head back and forth, back and forth.
• Your favorite toys are the tv remote, walker and jumper (you finally figured out how to bounce!). 
• You can sit up by yourself but I spot you because when you get excited you fall over
• You still don't like to be on your tummy, I guess we will just skip crawling!
• You have been sick A LOT because big brother Titus brings a lot of germies home and then kisses you a million times. You don't seem to be too grumpy about it, but it does make you sleep pretty poorly
• You sleep in the crib at night (when you're not sick, then you sleep in the swing to be inclined)
• When I am feeding you something you don't like or cleaning your face, sucking your nose, etc., you blow raspberries to stop me from doing it.
• Your favorite past-time is LITERALLY staring deeply into other people's eyes. You just want to make a social connection with anyone who is willing and will be happy as long as someone is holding you and making eye contact.
• You love when I sing "Baby love, I need your love, I need your love, oh, how I need your love..."
• You smile and giggle so much when other kids are around! Even when they are not paying attention to you, you are still trying to engage and smile at them
• You love when I play peek-a-boo and say "ma ma ma ma ma... da da da da da..."

I can't even count the number of times I have said "I'll eat you up, I love you so!" the last few weeks. Everything about you makes me want to smother you with hugs and kisses. I want to give you ponies and palaces and princess clothes, you have me completely wrapped around your finger! And not just me, when you look at daddy he drops everything he's doing to try and get a smile from you (which isn't hard, you love your daddy! You track him all around the house from the minute he gets home). And big brother Titus isn't immune either, he LOVES to make you laugh and is always asking to "hold Baybee Hah-dee." He also puts your paci back in when you cry and tells you, "it otay, Baybee Hah-dee," in the car when you are crying. And if anyone else gets too close to you, watch out! He is very protective and says, "no, that my Baybee Hah-dee!" We are all so luck to have you as a part of our family! You are the perfect piece to fit into our chaotic puzzle :) We love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever.

 Brother refused to sit with us for the family photo (not unusual)

 Halloween in North Carolina! We went to visit our sweet friends, the Fosters, and all of you were "super kids" (super girl, super man, and super baby!)

Haddie Mae: 6 Months

Dear Haddie,
At 6 months...

• You wear 3-6 month clothes but pants are big around your waist
• You weigh about 16 pounds.
• You are still wearing size 2 diapers
• Most people say you resemble Titus but that you have much girlier features. I agree! You have looooong lashes and a cute little nose.
• We started you on baby food and you love it! You pretty much love all fruit and no veggies (you literally gag on green beans and peas). You do LOVE sweet potatoes, though!
• You go to bed around 7:30 and sometimes wake up around 4:30 to eat, but some days you sleep through til 6:30. 
• Your nap "schedule" doesn't really exist because we are on brother's schedule. But you usually take a nap sometime around 9, 1:30, and 4:30/5. But the past few days you have refused to take the last nap, so it's probably time to move you to only two.
• You still nap in your swing like a champ. When I try to put you in the crib you nap TERRIBLY. Since you don't try to escape the swing we'll just keep you sleeping and happy until you grow out of it :)
• When you get tired you start making a lot of noise. It starts out as just talking, but after about 10 minutes you start to get squealy and I know it's time for bed.
• Your favorite toy is anything that you can chew on. I haven't felt any teeth yet but you are definitely chewing like it's your job!
• You like to sit in your rocker and look out the back door at the trees and the dogs and brother jumping on the trampoline
• You are getting closer to sitting up but you can't do it on your own
• You sleep in the crib at night and don't move hardly at all. You are seriously the most chill baby! You are also still swaddled because you whack yourself in the face at night and then lose your paci.
• Your hair is not changing colors! It is still very red.
• You figured out how to do this high-pitched squeal and you love it. It's usually out of nowhere and when nothing is even happening!
• All the workers in the nursery say that you are the sweetest baby there and you cuddle the whole time. I am not surprised, you love to cuddle.
• When you wake up in the morning you will stay in your swaddle and sit with me on the couch for a little bit. Can't say I blame you, I like to stay wrapped in my blanket for a few minutes after waking up, too!
• You give me open mouth kisses and squeeze my face in between your hands. You also grab onto my arm when I walk around with you and I love that.
• Your favorite activity is sitting in your walker. Sometimes you push yourself around, but I think you mostly like it because you can sit up. You will sit in the jumper but you don't jump at all, not even a little bit! You just look at the toys or smile at anyone in the room.

Haddie girl, you are seriously so laid back! I love your precious disposition. You will smile at anyone (and then duck into my shoulder like you are shy) and you're not afraid of strangers. You don't make a ton of noise, but you definitely can. When you are tired you SCREAM if you're not getting what you want. You are so much louder than your brother when you want to be! Fortunately, most of the time you just sit quietly and wait for someone to make eye contact with you so you can giggle. I sing you a song called "Just to See You Smile" anytime I change your diaper and your eyes light up. I really feel like I would to anything just to see you smile, because it's the sweetest thing on earth. I can't stop kissing your cheeks when you snuggle into me! I am so thankful for you, Haddie Mae. I hope you always want to be my best friend.

Titus: 2.5 years

Dear Titus,

At 2.5 years...

• Words I would use to describe you: passionate (to an extreme in a good and bad way), contagious laughter, funny, sweet, very sensitive, dramatic, energetic, loving, impatient, easily frustrated, loud, and creative.
• You are trying to quit napping and it is killing me! You fight me every step of the way at naptime and bedtime. There have been a couple days where you didn't take a nap and you did pretty well, but you ended up cranky by the end of the night and I was cranky from not having a break!
• You are OBSESSED with your baby sister. You talk and sing and kiss and laugh at her all the time. You have yet to lash out at her or seem jealous in the least bit, I've been pretty surprised.
• Right now your favorite things are letters (of course), baseball, America's Funniest Home Videos, and drawing. Last week you drew a "towtul!" (turtle!), dolphin, punkin, and a fish.
• We spend a lot of our time during the day writing letters, playing with letter magnets, watching your phonics DVD and working on your phonics workbook. It's so crazy to watch you get excited about reading already! 
• You know all the letters by name and recognize the way they look, you can write a lot of them (and numbers too), usually in chalk on the trampoline. Your favorite iPad apps are all alphabet related. 
• You are constantly sounding out words and telling me what letter they start with ("duh duh dinosaur. D, mommy! Mommy, D!")
• You are all boy- you would wrestle with anyone who walked through the door if they would let you. But you would also hug anyone who walked through the door, you are the best of both worlds!
• Your favorite foods are mac n' cheese, pizza, chicken (grilled or fried), deli turkey, cheese sticks, pickles, black/blue/ras/strawberries, apples, spaghetti, raisins, peanuts, french fries and popcicles
•  You love playing outside, jumping off stairs and climbing up hills. But you always remind me, "be tareful, mommy" (careful). Once you climb up the hill you'll turn back to me and say, "I did it, mommy! Titey did it!" (sometimes you call yourself Titey to go with Mommy, Daddy and Haddie)
• When we drive you frequently look out the window and make up songs about the clouds and sun and moon (almost always to the tune of twinkle twinkle)
• You have memorized "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son..." and it is PRECIOUS to hear you recite! You also know Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle and the Alphabet song, of course
• When we pray at night you list things you're thankful for. But a lot of times you say, "no pray. Amen" when you just want to play more.
• If I pay you a compliment (Titus, you are being such a good boy! or, I am so proud of you! or Do you know what? You are my favorite little boy in the whole world!) you will say, "Adain, mommy. Adain" (again) and want me to repeat the compliments over and over :)
• One of your favorite activities is riding on daddy's lap down the street to Brooks' house. Sometimes on rainy days I just let you play in the car and you sit in the driver's seat turning on the hazard lights and holding the steering wheel

Things you say:

"Top daddy. Why you do dat?" (when daddy is singing)

"Too loud daddy. TOO LOUD!" (basically anytime daddy is talking)
"What doing mommy?" (you ask me this like 30 times a day)
"Tidey do it."

"You did it, Tidey!" (when you finish a game or something)
"Mo ass-sauce please." (Applesauce)
You always want a "chocky waffle" for breakfast (chocolate/nutella waffle)
When you walk in the backyard you say, "get bock, Cucy! Get bock, Bocko!"
You sing a song and then say, "you do it, mommy!" And then you want me to sing it back to you. Then you says, "yay, mommy!!"
"TITUS JAMES AUTRY! WRITE IT MOMMY!"
"I take baff, mommy!" (bath)

"See moon, peas." (every night before bed)

"Bank bew, mommy!" (thank you)

You are such a funny little guy! You are saying more and more things everyday. I am constantly impressed by the original thoughts and questions that come out of your mouth. Some people told me that once a toddler starts talking you will just want them to take a break because it is so non-stop, but I don't feel that way at all! I want to hear all the little things that are going on in your mind. 
Your best habit right now is how sweet and loving you are. I love hearing your excited little voice when I walk into the room,  yelling, "Mommy!" with a huge smile on your face. You run and jump into my arms and it's just so precious. You're also the best big brother Haddie Mae could ask for. You COULD NOT be sweeter to your baby sister. You put her paci in when she cries and if she's crying in the car you say, "no cry, Baybee Hahdee. It ok, Baybee Hahdee."
 Your worst habit right now is generally being stubborn! Boy, that is an understatement. When I tell you, "don't do that" you YELL back, "NO, DON' DO DAT!" You fight EVERY nap and bedtime, screaming and throwing a fit until you finally pass out. You get in trouble the most for yelling (sometimes at us in defiance, other times when a toy isn't doing exactly what you want). But I just keep reminding myself that everything is a phase and truly, your good qualities far outweigh the bad toddler habits you have right now. I know you will grow out of them eventually (fingers crossed!) so until then I will just be patient and pray A LOT :)

We love you SO SO SO SO much, my sweet boy! I am lucky to get these years where I can stay home with you and watch you dance around the house and sing made up songs. We love you to the moon and back, forever and always.

Haddie Mae: 5 months

Dear Haddie Mae,
At five months...

• You breastfeed 6 or so times a day for about 10-15 minutes (I'm loving your quicker eating time!) and you eat rice cereal once a day. After trying it for 3-4 days you got REAL SERIOUS about your food! You would eat the spoon if I'd let you.
• You go to sleep around 8pm and you have stopped having to do a full nursing session before bed. You will sometimes sleep through til 6:30/7 and sometimes wake up to eat around 5 then go back to sleep til 8.
• You went through a phase this month of needing your paci put back in 5-6 times a night, but luckily you grew out of that and now you only use it to fall asleep
• You wear size 2 diapers
• You weigh 14 lbs
• Your hair is finally growing back in where you rubbed it off in the back and some people think it looks more strawberry blonde now
• Your favorite toy right now is your paci. You take it in and out of your mouth and look at it and chew on it from every direction
• You love when I sing to you, this gets the biggest smiles out of you all day long
• Your nap schedule is still unsettled since we're on the go so much, but you do usually take one long nap (hopefully when brother does!) that's about 1.5-3 hours and a couple of catnaps that last about 30-45 minutes.
• You are finally sleeping in your crib at night, but you have to stay swaddled. You are taking a longer time than brother to grow out of your startle reflex, so if your arms aren't swaddled you wake yourself up and cry.
• You still nap in your swing, you will hopefully start napping in your crib this month
• You have rolled over... once! So I know you can do it, haha. But you still throw up most of the time you're on your tummy so you prefer being on your back or side.
• If I'm in the room, even really far away, you will track my voice wherever I go. I love this SO much.
• You are wearing 3 month clothes and some 3-6 month clothes, although they are too long on you. You have to wear 6-9 month+ headbands though because you have a pretty big head like brother!
• You have started laughing at your toys
• Your big brother calls you "Bay-be Hah-deee" and it's super sweet :)
• You were dedicated this past Sunday with your cousin Madeline. At one point you found each other's hands (not that you knew what you were grabbing) and held onto each other. I love watching you grow together!
• When you are nursing or falling asleep you constantly rub your feet together, like you're trying to create a fire! You also do it if I'm trying to put you to sleep and you are fighting me. It's definitely unique to you, Titus never did that.

Yesterday morning the best thing ever happened. When you woke up I went to get you from your crib and I carried you into the living room. Grandma and Opa were there playing with Titus and as I started to talk to them, you just snuggled your little head right into my chest and held onto my arms. I'm sure your brother did this, but I don't remember when he did it for the first time. I swear, Haddie Mae, I didn't move my feet from that spot for a solid 5 minutes because I just wanted to stay in the moment forever. Can I tell you a secret? One day, you will be a very big girl, too big for me to carry you around on my hip like I do now. And when you become a big girl some very sad or scary things may happen to you. But guess what? You can always lay your head on my chest when you need a snuggle. You will never, ever be too big for me to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.
We love you to the moon and back, baby girl.

Be kind. Seek compassion.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it.
-Avett Brothers

The death of actor and comedian Robin Williams has left me feeling brokenhearted on so many levels. The first of which is the simple fact that I can identify with his depression and understand the cloudiness that becomes your rational thought process while you are in the thick of it. During my relatively short bouts with Postpartum Depression after the births of both my children, I experienced an array of feelings that were completely abnormal for me, ranging from deep and uncontrollable sorrow to a choking feeling of desperation and a lot of times just a complete numbness, like I'd fallen asleep on my brain and it went numb like an arm or a foot.
I personally never had thoughts of suicide, but I did have moments where I just wanted to stop time and not exist. I couldn't leave my house but I didn't want to stay. I wished I'd never had children and thought my life would end without them. It's a daily battle of inconsistencies that cannot be explained or understood, even by the person experiencing it.

So my request is simple:
If you have never battled depression, seek compassion in this moment for those around you. Author Wendy Mass wrote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." Her words could not ring more true in this scenario. Even someone who lives their whole life and builds a career out of bringing joy to others may be themselves, joyless. BE KIND. SEEK COMPASSION. Take the loss of this beloved man and learn from it. Those around you may be waiting for someone, ANYONE, to ask them how they're doing. And not just ask, but LISTEN. Be that person.

There is a darkness that accompanies depression that only the individual can sense, and there is nothing more isolating in the world than to feel like you are lost and alone in the deep. It's murky and you're drowning and it's exhausting to just EXIST some days...
and I think some people just get tired of swimming.


Be kind. Seek compassion. For everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Photo courtesy of Ashley Tanaka

-Sarah Autry

Haddie Mae: 4 months!

Dear Haddie Mae,
At four months...

• You are still a breastfeeding champ and I couldn't be prouder! I had to stop breastfeeding Titus around 3 months, so this is a big time milestone for me. You do well at taking a bottle as well (4-5oz), you just insist on it being pretty warm. 
• You have a pretty set bedtime (7:30/8) unless we are out somewhere. You usually only wake up once during the night to eat, but that varies (anytime between 2:30-5:30). You will get up for the day about 12 hours after you went down.
• You only poop once every 2-4 days! It doesn't seem to bother you at all though.
• You wear size 2 diapers
• Your hair is still red! This is one of the most popular questions I get about you.
• Your eyes are still a pretty dark blue, with a little bit of gray. You have INCREDIBLY long eyelashes!
• You like to grab the toys hanging from your playmat and chew on them
• You are a pretty quiet baby. Not only are your noises dainty and feminine, but you just don't make a whole lot of noise in general. You are a big-time people watcher
• You have turned into SUCH a good napper! If we're home during the day you'll do 2 long naps (1.5-3 hours) and one evening catnap (30-45 minutes). If we are out you will take 20-30 minute catnaps but be generally happy even off schedule, then take a long nap (2.5-3.5 hours) when we finally get home. You even take naps at the gym in your carseat!
• You weigh 13 lbs
• You are a DROOLER! It is such a problem. You soak through all your clothes unless you have on a bibdana.
• You are still sleeping in your rock 'n' play. I gotta move you to that crib!
• You don't roll at all. In fact, you could care less about rolling. You don't even attempt it! You are completely content laying exactly where you are, whether it's on your tummy or back
• You are swaddled for naps and night time and once you are wrapped up and I put your paci in you fall asleep in like two minutes. You are such a good baby.
• You have started looking for people when you hear their voice
• You are wearing 3 month clothes and some 3-6 month clothes, although they are too long on you. You have to wear 6-9 month headbands though because you have a pretty big head like brother!
• You love playing peekaboo
• My favorite thing about you is the first time you see me in the morning. You get this huge smile on your face and I know you've been waiting for me!
• You try to watch the tv. This will probably be what gets you to roll over, ha!
• You still hate the carseat in almost every scenario

Did I mention what an easy baby you are? Seriously. Daddy and I talk about it all the time, we are so lucky! Even when you're tired or hungry you won't really cry much as long as you're being held. Anyone can put you to sleep with your paci and you aren't afraid to be held by strangers. You're pretty flexible in your schedule as far as babies go, which is good considering we are always on the go with big brother! Honestly, Haddie Mae, your demeanor is the only thing that makes me think I might want another baby. If they were all as easy and sweet as you I might have a couple more! But you are one of a kind, sweet girl, and we are just happy to have even one of you in our family. Love you to the moon and back!