No Fear

Four years ago today a horrible thing happened. A little boy who was playing with his friends and thinking of nothing but fun and laughter, died in the most heartbreakingly, tragic accident. A little boy who was, from all accounts, rambunctious and silly and whose parents surely dreamed of his future and loved him endlessly.

A little boy who was only slightly older than my little boy is now.

Every year it’s hard to pass this day by without a deeply heavy heart and wonder how a parent could ever survive that kind of pain. Even after sitting on the threshold of losing a child last fall, frozen in a hospital hallway and envisioning myself as “one of those parents,” I still can’t fully imagine the doctor walking out and delivering news far worse than what we got.

Maybe the hardest part of secondary tragedy is the fear of it becoming your own. The “what if’s” can chase you down and sit on your chest; make it hard to breathe or move. Fear is paralyzing and I can feel the mist settling on me now. I try to fight it, try to wipe it away, but it’s everywhere and it’s invisible and it multiplies quicker than I can clear it.

But I know by the way it steals all air and joy and lightness from the room that it is not from the Lord, it is not (and never will be) what he desires for me. Therefore I must find a way to reject it, and the only way I know how to keep from drowning in the rising waters of it’s lies is to cling to the words that are strong enough to buoy me to the surface.

Isaiah 43:1-2
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

He doesn’t suggest it, doesn’t even give an “if then” promise. HE DECLARES IT. He HAS. He IS. He WILL BE. He creates truth and fact because he is the author of our story, and all creation is exactly as he says it will be. Who am I to reject that which is concrete and unchanging; to question the only certainty that will exist for all eternity?

He CREATED me.
He FORMED me.
He commands me,
DO NOT HAVE FEAR, I HAVE SAVED YOU.

He has CALLED ME to Him, by MY name.

He DECLARES over me:
YOU.
ARE.
MINE.

With zero hesitation, He speaks words that leave no room for the lies of fear:
When the waters rise, I WILL BE WITH YOU.
Even as they swell and crash, THEY WILL NOT TAKE YOU.
When the fire surrounds you,
YOU WILL NOT BE BURNED.
Refined, but NOT SET ABLAZE.

So today, in the name of Jack, I am choosing to have no fear. I am sitting on my boat as waves try to overtake me, and clinging to the mast I know to be true: The Creator of all things is for me, therefore who can stand up against me? What lies can paralyze me and steal my joy?

I will look the storm directly in the face and declare with no waiver in my voice: He is with me. I will not be taken. I AM HIS.

Collins: Seven Months

Dear Collins,

At seven months...

You wear 3 to 6 month clothes which fit you well except for the pants, those are still way too big on you

You take two naps around 930 and two, and you sleep from about 730 to 630 or seven.

If you are hungry and you see me making you a bottle you kick your arms and legs

You love to sit in your high chair and play with toys (and throw them)

You are finally rolling back-and-forth on a regular basis, but you prefer to get around by scooting backwards on your back instead of rolling over onto your tummy

You love table food, it is your favorite activity. I will put you in your high chair and you will snack for almost an hour at night. Foods you like: tomato, avocado, zucchini, apple, pickles, baby puffs. You still almost exclusively like baby food made from fruit (no veggies! Except avocado and carrot)

You have really started jumping in your jumper, it is your favorite toy

You babble all the time

You love watching the dogs and always want to touch them

The only time you really chug a bottle is when you’re falling asleep. The rest of the day you only want a couple ounces at a time

You sleep in your crib at night and almost all your naps, although you nap way better in your swing. 

You can sit up on your own! As long as you’re not tired you are great, although we do still sit behind you just in case. 

You love growling at me and having me growl back. And you think it’s funny when I say “ma ma” and “da da”

If we’re out to dinner you don’t want to be held, you want to stand on the table and bounce or look around. 

You have finally noticed the toys on your jumper and will move the pieces back and forth or try to grab them and put them in your mouth. And you still love jumping in it, of course!

Baby love, this month has been sooooo much better! You have finally gotten into a normal sleep schedule (even though you still wake up multiple times a night wanting your paci) and you seem to be a little more content when you’re awake. You still want a lot of attention and hate being left alone, but you’re becoming much more flexible. And you are laughing so much more! You are the bravest of all three kids, loving to be fully thrown in the air and to be genuinely surprised/scared by me saying “BOO!” when you’re not expecting it. You just laugh and wait for me to do it again! You also don’t mind being passed around to strangers or childcare workers. You’ll keep an eye on me but you’ve never cried at drop off.

We are so happy things have finally turned a corner and that you seem to be happier. We love you to the moon!

Haddie: 4 year update

Dear Haddie,
At four years old...

• You are in the 60th percentile for height and 50th for weight (37 pounds). People still mistake you and Titus for twins all the time.
• You are incredibly social! You are always hoping someone will be coming over to play.
• You are also sneaky, you will try to hide and get away with what you can.
• Your favorite foods are peanut butter sandwiches, bananas, yogurt, toast, cheese, chicken and french fries, and any type of cracker/chip. You are a very picky eater and it's hard to get you to eat!
• You imitate everything I do with Baby Collins ("it's okay Baby Love, we're almost home!" "I know Lovie, we're almost there.")
• Your favorite activities are playing tea party, anything with Titus, and pretending to be a mommy to your babies.
• Your favorite shows are Tangled (Rapunzel), Curious George, Sing, and Boss Baby.
• You have gotten so much better with Collins! You have finally figured out how to play with her without squishing her (most of the time). You help me by putting her paci in or entertaining her while I shower.
• You made up a song called "I love Everything" that you sing every night before bed (you basically just sing "I love" followed by whatever pops into your head :)
• You ask me to give you "Anna Hair" like in Frozen, but it's still not long enough for much besides pigtails.
• You LOVE bath time. Sometimes you'll take two baths a day just because you want to play in the bath.
• You are really perceptive of people's emotions and know how to make them laugh or feel better.
• You make friends wherever you go and are very inclusive when playing.
• You cry really easily when things aren't going your way, it's almost like a magic trick how quickly you can make tears appear and disappear ;)
• You don't really like any sports or have an interest in learning to ride your bike. You do, however, love taking gymnastics!
• You go to the library with Aunt Ashley every Monday and it's one of your favorite weekly activities
• You generally have a very positive attitude, thinking that almost anything could be fun. For instance, Titus is over going to the gym and playing in the play place but you always like to go because there are other kids there to play with.
• You don't really like to color or do crafts, but you do love to play with anything you can manipulate with your hands (play-doh, sand, etc.)
• You still have the sweetest, highest little voice and an adorable closed mouth smile and model stance when I take your picture

When Grandma talks about what I was like as a little girl it sounds a whole lot like how you are now! You are generally pretty laid back, can easily get into things you shouldn't, and are an overall happy child who enjoys most things. Christmas and birthdays are so much fun with you because every single little things brings you joy. My favorite thing about you right now is how polite you are and how you have learned what to say to make people feel good. For instance, you automatically say "thank you, Mommy!" for things I wasn't even thinking you thank me for. Or out of nowhere you will pay me a genuine compliment about something I'm wearing like you're a grownup! We love you so much, Haddie Mae!

Titus: Six Year Update

Dear Titus,
at six years...

• You weigh almost 40 pounds and are still measuring in the 3rd percentile for your size.
• You are small for your age, in fact, you like to tell me you're the smallest kid in your kindergarten class. But this doesn't seem to bother you, it's more observational than anything!
• You go to sleep around 7:30pm and sleep til 6:30/7:00am. You've always been a good night sleeper! Once you're out, you're OUT.
• You are really into crafts right now, you like anything where you create or build something from nothing. You draw family portraits, cut out race cars, and make all kids of games for us to play. Your art set is at the kitchen table most days of the week.
• You love Collins so much, but sometimes you love her too hard. One time you headbutted her by accident because you were dancing too close to her face... But other times you are so sweet with her and know just how to help entertain her while I cook or clean :)
• You are way ahead in school, you can read signs everywhere we go in public and we're practicing multiplication at home. The downside is that you are bored of being at school and so most days you ask not to go.
• You LOVE playing soccer! This is a big deal because it's the first sport you've played where you didn't just blow up and quit when things don't go your way.
• You're still obsessed with marble towers, marble mazes, anything with marbles...
• Once you're in a bad mood you prefer to stay that way, finding something wrong with everything. Usually Daddy has to act silly to get you out of your funk.
• You make love notes for everyone in the family and leave them out for us to find.
• Your favorite foods are spaghetti, sausage rolls, and cheeseburgers. Even though vegetables aren't your favorite, you are a really good eater and try everything once, then you usually end up eating it all!
• You can't handle it when Haddie or Collins is hurt or upset and you start yelling at us to help them
• You love babies! And you are so good with them, they love interacting with you.
• You have gotten really into watching sports with Daddy.
• You have been really scared to go swimming (you also hate being cold) but after swimming once with us at FAC you seemed a little more confident and excited about it
• You really love cooking! You help Grandmother cook when you stay the night at her house and it's one of your favorite things

We have loved watching you grow this year since you've started school. It's always amazing to hear you say something out of the blue that I had no idea you knew anything about (habitats, recycling, how tall cows are...) You have also gotten way better and understanding sarcasm and when people are joking, which makes you really happy because you feel in on it :) You still get upset and overwhelmed easily (which usually results in you being angry) but you're not yelling as much as you used to, you say a lot of things like "I'll never do anything like this again" or "you must not love me then." It's all very dramatic and would be kind of funny if it wasn't so serious to you. But on the other hand, you can be incredibly fun and encouraging to others. I asked your teacher what you were like at school and she said your favorite thing is to help other students. She also said you were kind and inclusive which was all I had really hoped for your first year of school. You are also very faithful, constantly telling us that God made you unique and everything different about each of us is exactly what God wanted us to be. We love you, buddy!

Collins: 6 months

Dear Collins,
At six months...

• You are in the 5th percentile for weight (14.4lbs) and 10th percentile for height. Big cheeks but small mostly everywhere else!
• You wear 3-6 month clothes (barely) and size 3 diapers
• You have recently started being ticklish
• You generally wake up around 6:30-7 and then take a nap around 9 and another nap around 1-2. You wake up around 3:30 and then stay awake until bedtime around 6:30-7.
• You still sleep in your swing at night and for naps
• You eat baby food twice a day, almost exclusively fruits. Your favorites are apple and pear.
• When I feed you you try to grab the spoon and play with it. You also like to put your fingers in your mouth while eating, definitely a messy baby!
• When I'm making you a bottle you will open your mouth and start kicking your legs from excitement
• You sleep swaddled and in your swing for naptime and even for a lot of night time. It seems like when you lay flat in the crib your reflux bothers you a lot more and you wake up 3-5 times a night.
• You have been sick the last couple of weeks with a cold/cough and it's been HORRIBLE. You take hours to finally get down at night (we're usually fighting you from 7-11) and wake up fussy a couple times at night and get a bottle and ibuprofen. You wake up early (6 or so) and take both your naps, but we have to go put your paci in multiple times each nap.
• You like to sit in the jumper and look out the window, especially if Titus and Haddie are outside playing.
• You have starting wanting to sit up a lot more. You still can't do it without help but you're getting much stronger.
• When we go to the gym you don't ever want to nap in childcare but they say you're generally happy, especially when you can watch the big kids play
• You are constantly chewing on your hands, toys, clothes, whatever you can grab. I keep thinking you'll pop a tooth any day, but so far, nothing!
• You roll over both ways but you hate to be on your stomach.
• When you are really happy and excited you open you mouth and then eventually shove your hand in it, like you just can't take the excitement anymore.

When I give you a bottle you like to reach up and touch my face, it's my favorite thing about you right now. Sometimes you even stop drinking so you can catch my eye and smile at me while you stroke my cheek. I know you can't help being sick and fussy, but it's been a really hard month, so little moments like this remind me how helpless you are and how much you really do love me. When you hear my voice or see me after I've been gone, your arms and legs start pumping and you get a huge smile on your face. You kind of like Daddy, too, just not as much as me :) I love you, baby girl!

Collins: 5 months

Dear Collins,
At five months...

• You are still very petite at 13.5 pounds, wear size 2 diapers and 0-3 month clothes (they’re starting to get snug but 3-6 months are huge on you).
• You smile pretty easily but you make us work for a laugh. When you do laugh it’s low and growly like Titus!
• We switched you to formula with rice cereal and it’s made a huge difference! No more massive spit ups and you are generally more content because you are more full.
• You have started trying some food, although it’s definitely more for practice than actual sustenance, you don’t eat very much of it. So far you have really liked peas, anything with banana, and kind of like pear and apple. You did not care for carrots or peaches, I guess they were too tart for you!
• You have a “general” schedule, but you love to toss it out the window half the time. Typically, you go to bed around 7, wake up around 6-6:30, take a nap at 9, and another nap around 2. You refuse to take a late afternoon cat nap, so you have a pretty long awake stretch before bed.
• Your naps are usually 1.5-2.5 hours long.
• It’s not unusual for you to go to bed at 7 and then wake back up around 9ish and want to eat again.
• You sleep swaddled and in your swing for naptime and even for a lot of night time. It seems like when you lay flat in the crib your reflux bothers you a lot more and you wake up 3-5 times a night.
• You still don’t really like your car seat...
• You love when your siblings “play” with you, as long as they remember not to lay on you.
• Your hair is definitely still red and your eyes seem to be more blue than Haddie’s.
• You love bath time! It’s become one of our favorite times of the evening (it’s also one of the only things that calms you down when you’re tired but it’s too early for bedtime).
• You like being outside if it’s warm. You especially like laying on a blanket under a tree and watching the wind blow the leaves.
• You have had some random times where you wake up crying in pain, so I’m not sure but you may be getting close to teething. I usually just give you some Tylenol and you go back to normal.
• You have strong tummy muscles (when I lay you flat you like to Superman) but you still refuse to roll over! Lazy baby :)
• You’re not content to sit in one spot for very long, but you usually do best laying on your playmat.

Collins: Four Months

Dear Collins,
At four months...

• You weigh 12 pounds are in the 10th percentile.
• You wear size 2 diapers and 0-3 month clothes
• You still sleep in your swaddle sack, which is good because if your hands are free you love to take your paci out and place with it
• You nap twice a day and sometimes a late afternoon catnap if I can convince you to take it.
• You prefer an early bedtime and are often asleep for the night by 6:30, then you will wake up around 6am for the day.
• You Enjoy being outside if you’re in the baby carrier
• You laugh when I gasp loudly
• You love to be bounced on my knee while I sing “She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain”
• You Have your hands in your mouth at all times and love to suck on two fingers
• You love your hands so much you e en try to put them in your mouth alongside the bottle when you eat
• You rub your feet together when you’re trying to go to sleep
• You sleep in your swing for naps and the crib for bedtime. Unlike your siblings, you do not want to take a nap being held or laying down with me.
• You only want to eat in your nursery with little distraction, otherwise you don’t each much at all
• You are getting better with your car seat and will sometimes fall asleep in it
• Your favorite “toy” is the playmat, although you would prefer to always be held
• We’ve had a babysitter come over a couple times this month and you weren’t an easy baby for them. Bless our sweet sitters!

This has honestly been a very tough month. You've been in a lot of pain from your reflux and the schedule has all but gone out the window, which leaves a very exhausted mommy and daddy! But while it hasn't been easy, we are still incredibly grateful that we have you. We always felt like our family wasn't complete with just Titus and Haddie, and I can't wait to watch you fill in the gap as you grow up with them. We love you, sweet girl! Fussy baby and all :)

Collins: Three Months

• You weight 12 pounds (up to the 20th percentile!) and are fitting perfectly in 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers
• You've gone from pooping with every diaper to about once a day (thank goodness!)
• You still sleep in your "wings" swaddle
• You have gotten much better at keeping your paci in
• You’ve started trying to play with and bat at the hanging toys on your playmat and chair
• You try and hold your bottle when you eat
• You are fully on formula but have to use the sensitive kind or else you get cranky
• You have been having such trouble eating (starting a bottle but only eating a half ounce then crying) that we started medicine for reflux (1.3mL of Prevacid, twice a day). It’s already helped so much!
• You still want to be held a lot
• You are finally napping a little better! If we are home and you are in the swing you will take a couple good naps a day. You still frequently wake up after about 30-45 minutes, but I can usually put your paci back in or rock you and you will go back to sleep.
• A very rough schedule for our day looks like this: Wake around 7/8am, nap around 10am, nap around 1/2pm, cat nap around 5pm, bedtime around 7/8pm.
• Bedtime still requires a couple different rounds of rocking, burping, putting your paci in, but it's getting a little easier each day.
• You definitely prefer Mommy to everyone else. If you are tired or cranky you usually won't calm down for anyone but me.
• You love to smile, especially when I'm talking to you. 
• You've started to laugh a little. Your favorite thing is bouncing on my knee while I sing "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" which makes you giggle every time.
• You don't like "playing" by yourself for very long, you definitely prefer to be held or talked to as opposed to laying on your playmat
• Your brother and sister adore you! Too much, in fact. I'm constantly trying to keep them from smothering you or putting their hands all over your face.
• You still hate your carseat.
• If you can catch sight of the tv you will get locked in.
• You love love love chewing on your hands.
• You have finally started enjoying bath time a little more, you kick and splash in the water. But you still hate getting out into the colder room air and cry every time.
• You are the most high-maintenance of my babies, you require a lot more specific care to get you to eat, sleep, be content, etc.

Well, Baby Love, it's been quite a month! We realized you have reflux and got you on some medication, which has been totally life changing. We were struggling to get you to eat anything (I would literally have to take you into the darkened nursery, hold you facing out so you could look at the fan, and shush/rock you just to get you to eat a couple ounces). And because you were always hungry, you wouldn't sleep. And then you wouldn't eat because you were so sleepy... It was a terrible and exhausting cycle for everyone. But generally speaking, you are a much happier baby now. I can't tell you how happy it makes me when you smile and giggle at me! I smother your chubby cheeks with kisses and you try and open your mouth to catch me each time. We love you to the moon and back!

Collins: Two Months

• You are in the 5th percentile for weight (9.5lbs) and the 10th percentile for height. The doctor says you are perfectly healthy just very petite!
• You were nursing for 45 minutes and still seemed hungry afterward so I moved to exclusively pumping and giving bottles to make sure you were getting enough milk. We supplement with formula and you seem to do just fine with it.
• You started smiling at 8 weeks and it’s precious!
• You have a really quiet cry. 
• You find the ceiling fan in every room we walk into. 
• You have started to be interested in the toys that hang off your baby bouncer
• You sometimes need to eat in a quiet, dark place or else you get distracted.
• Most nights your bedtime routine starts around 7:30/8. You were waking up so often that we started putting you in the swing and you sleep there til about 9/10 and take another bottle, then sleep in the swing (motion off) until around 4 when you wake up to eat. You sleep the rest of the night in the rock n' play and wake up around 8 for the day.
• You only really nap in the swing and they’re only catnaps, usually 30-45 minutes.
• You still hate your car seat, although if we don’t stop moving and your paci is in you will fall asleep eventually.
• When you’re having a hard time falling asleep you like to nuzzle your face into the crook of my arm.
• When you’re really hungry you put your hands in your mouth and I have to battle you to let the bottle in.
• You got your first cold this week and have had a lot of trouble sleeping and eating. You also got your two month shots and absolutely lost your mind! I’ve never seen you cry so hard and be so mad.
• You like to sleep in the “wings” sleep sack that allows your arms to be up by your face.

This has been a month of exciting firsts and also exhausting challenges. We had your first Thanksgiving and Christmas and while you didn't have any idea it was happening, we were glad to have you with us for the holidays this year! Nursing has not gone as expected, it's been a very stressful and unsuccessful journey this time. But luckily, by baby #3 I know that expectations are everything, and I have set my bar pretty low so it's all going to be just fine :) We love every precious, high-maintenance bit of you!

Dear Collins,
At one month old...

• You weigh 8.2lbs, which is two pounds more than when you were born!
• You have graduated from premie clothes and are fitting perfectly in newborn sizes.
• You nurse every 2.5-3 hours during the day for about 30 minutes. You still get very sleepy while nursing so the process often takes 45 minutes because we do a lot of burping and changing diapers to keep you awake.
• You usually cluster feed in the evenings, eating every hour and a half from 5-9.
• You don't like to fall asleep for naps or bed at night.
• The only place you like to nap is in the baby bjorn, as soon as I put you in and walk around the house with you, you fall dead asleep.
• At night time you often fight going to sleep for an hour (sometimes two), but once you go to sleep you stay asleep! You usually do at least a 5 hour stretch and last night you slept for 7 straight hours!
• Even when you are fighting sleep you aren't much of a crier, more of a whiner. You will fidget and whine and make random loud noises, but thankfully, you rarely ever full on cry.
• You use a paci to fall asleep during the day but spit it out after you fall asleep. You don't need it to go back to sleep at night.
• You sleep in the rock n' play at night time.
• You HATE your car seat. You cry the whole time you're in it unless your paci is in
• When we put you by the Christmas tree you lay very still and stare at it. You do the same thing on our bed when I turn the ceiling fan on.
• You have started making some cooing noises the past couple of days.
• For the most part we hang out at home because it's easier to manage your long nursing sessions. We've been to church once and you slept through the whole thing (in the baby bjorn, of course).
• You don't seem to have any major problems with reflux but you are a major spitter upper. You also get hiccups ALL the time while nursing which you don't like and makes it hard to eat.
• Your brother and sister love you very much! Sometimes too much, they are always in your face.
• You seem very concerned and confused when you get a bath, but you don't seem to dislike it. You do hate being taken out of the bath, no matter how hot the room is you don't like the change in temperature. You generally only get upset when you are cold.

Haddie: 3 1/2 Year Update

Dear Haddie,
At three and a half years old...

• • You weigh about 35lbs and are pretty average height and weight for your age, although you are petite and thin.
  • You are a very picky eater, it's our biggest battle with you. Your favorites foods are banana, yogurt, cheese, and basically any type of cracker or chip.
  • You are very dramatic when you don't get your way, there is a lot of wailing and tears involved, although the tears magically dry up as soon as you get your way.
  • You get so excited about the little things, I love seeing the joy you have in life!
  • Your favorite activities are playing with play-doh and anything that you can make into friends. You will literally take plastic eggs and make them into a mommy egg and a baby egg and then play pretend with them.
  • You love baby Collins a whole lot, sometimes way too much. You try to pick her up (she's only 4 weeks old!), want to hold her at all times (you get really jealous when anyone else is holding her), and are constantly getting reminded not to touch her face or pacifiers.
  • You hate getting in trouble but you also like to push the boundaries
  • You sneak into Titus' room and wake him up almost every morning. You also ask to sleep in his bed at night but then you won't go to sleep!
  • You love all things princessy and girly- you only want to wear dresses
  • You are very affectionate and love to hold hands or randomly give big hugs just because you're happy
  • You love My Little Pony and PJ Masks (You were Owlet, a girl superhero from PJM for halloween this year)
  • You do funny little dance moves randomly to make us laugh. In fact, you love to do lots of little things to get a laugh out of people.
  • Your hair has finally grown back enough to look like an actual hairstyle and it's really cute
  • When you go to the bathroom you ask me to close the door so you can have some "price-acy"
  • You tell me all the time, "Mommy, you're my bestest friend."

Titus 5 1/2 year update

Dear Titus,
At five and a half years old...

• You weigh just under 40lbs and are still very small for your age (in the 5-10th percentile for height)
• You LOVE kindergarten! I was a little nervous about it this summer, but you are thriving with the routine of it all
• Everyone at school loves you, especially the older kids. I joke that you are the Butterfield Elementary Mascot
• You have gotten much better at learning to use words when you are upset, except with your sister who you still usually just hit or push when you're angry
• You love to make books using construction paper and a three hole punch. Sometimes you will ask us how to spell words but a lot of times the whole book consists of words like "No!" "OK!" and other small words you can spell on your own.
• You like to do the same activities at home that you do at school (math stations, which word doesn't belong, etc.)
• Your favorite Encore class is PE
• You are a really good big brother to Baby Collins. You talk to her sweetly and know not to touch her face or hands.
• You love drawing with chalk in the driveway. Usually it's either marble mazes or writing numbers (sometimes you'll just write all the way to 100 because you can)
• You still don't have much of an interest in sports. Daddy wanted to get you to play catch but you weren't into it, so he showed you a video on hand-eye coordination and now you like to play catch (except you say "let's play hand eye coordination!")
• You do like to play dodge ball upstairs or make up games like throwing a ball into a laundry basket
• For breakfast you like to eat a waffle with nutella or cheerios. If you had it your way, you'd eat a Wendy's cheeseburger for every meal. Your favorite halloween candy was Kit Kat Bars.
• You went to a Razorback football game with Daddy and loved it. Now you ask to go to every game and get upset when you can't.
• We were doing gymnastics which you were very good at, but since school started you got too tired and frustrated doing it after school so we're taking a break.
• You love poop jokes.
• You and Haddie are extremely competitive and want whatever the other person has. One day while you were at school I took Haddie to McDonald's for lunch and you have never let me live down how unfair it was that she got a Happy Meal and you didn't.
• Most nights you go to sleep by 8:00 and would sleep til 6:30-7 if Haddie would let you, but she usually comes into your room by 6:30 and wakes you up for the day
• We taught you the word defiant this month because you decided you want to be in charge and started saying the opposite of whatever we say just because you can
• When Haddie says something that doesn't make sense you and I will catch each other's eye and start giggling (I love this so much!)

Thoughts on 30: Who Was that Woman in the Pictures?

Eight years ago I was in full-on wedding preparation mode. With just a couple weeks left until our wedding, I got my first professional makeover. I walked out of Sephora with products I absolutely loved, new techniques I’d never heard of, and a lot less money in my bank account. As years went by, I finished grad school, started a new job, then eventually had two babies and became a stay at home mom. With so much going on, makeup (and hair and clothes) became a much lower priority and I stopped putting much thought into what I was buying and instead just grabbed whatever was quickest and cheapest. 

But then a weird thing started to happen. When I saw photos of myself, I would have this moment of surprise and disorientation almost every time because the image didn’t look like how I felt. Anyone ever had this moment? At the time, my kids were 3 and 1 and I hadn't taken much time for myself since starting our family. And the thing was, it wasn't that I was having a pity party over the way I looked. It was just that I would look at the photo of that moment, and I would remember exactly how I felt and what I was saying and doing, and those feelings were never frumpy or lost or forgotten like the way I often felt I looked. Inside I felt young and bright eyed and like my life was full of wonderful surprises and joys, and it was bizarre to feel like I didn't seen that in myself in a still shot.

So I decided to make a change. And hear me say this: I truly believe your physical body is not what defines you. Even at my most out of shape or least trendy, I was always witty and smart and kind and no amount of exterior change could take that away from me. But I also decided there was nothing wrong with enjoying the fun things that come along with being a girl. I was confident in who I was because I was confident in who made me, but now I was ready to look in the mirror and see the girl I felt like I was inside, the girl who had been lost while focusing on everyone else but herself.

So I got more serious about having a healthier diet and regular exercise. I went and got a new haircut and started researching makeup. I had no idea what contouring was or a beauty blender sponge or even what shade I should pick in anything. And it bears repeating, the hair and makeup were not what made me me, but I was having SO much fun learning and playing around with the options and doing something that was just for me.

I went back to the basics, and in this case, that meant a lot of Google research and Youtube videos (which is so fun, but you will get sucked in for DAYS watching those makeup tutorials). I wrote all about the products that were a part of my beauty evolution here, you can read it to see all the ones I love the very most. But most importantly, I realized this journey was only a little about the products and a lot about taking the time to invest in myself and the things I enjoyed. My makeup looks better now, but more importantly, when I see pictures of myself I see the joy and energy that I am experiencing at the time. The photos feel like me, like how I see myself.

So take heart, my friends! It's never too late to start over and it's never selfish to spend a little time on yourself.

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Compliment Worthy Crockpot Meals

Hey friends! I've started a new adventure writing some fun blogs for Aisle9, a website with tons of quick tips and fun articles, with some especially good stuff for women! I was writing down some of my compliment winning crockpot meals to give to a friend as a wedding gift, and decided that enough people asked me for the recipes it just made sense for it to be my first blog. So if you'd like to check it out, the link is below! I'll be posting more articles in the future on all kinds of topics, like hair and beauty, cooking, workouts, gift guides, decorating and crafts, parenting... the list goes on!

Stay tuned and take a peek!

Five Compliment Worthy Crockpot Recipes for Busy Moms

Photo via Damn Delicious

A Season for Everything

Do you ever feel like you just have so much on your plate you don't even know where to begin? As a mom of toddlers, I feel like I'm constantly forgetting things and dropping the ball. But every parent who's a life stage ahead of me says you shouldn't expect for it to slow down; kids grow bigger and they get busier. The big picture can be overwhelming, I don't even always know what to tackle first on my to-do list. The questions start swarming in my head and I feel like I need 50 hours in a day instead of 24. 

Am I teaching my kids good character?  Do I participate enough in my husband's ministry job? Should I play a more active role in our church? Am I exercising enough? Am I eating healthy enough? Will God allow us to have another baby? If we can even get pregnant, how tight will our budget be with three kids while I'm staying home? Should I go back to work? Should we sign the kids up for sports already? Should I lead a small group? Am I teaching my kids about volunteering and serving others? Should I continue pursuing a career in graphic design after the kids are in school? Or do something with more of a steady income? When will I have time to finish all these house projects? Am I modeling how deal with hard things to my kids? What am I doing with the specific gifts God has given me? What are we going to do about the broken dishwasher? Should I be discipling more young women? How are we going to pay this bill? Am I meeting my husband's needs? Have I even seen him much this week or have things been too crazy? What even are my needs right now? When will I have time to do all this laundry and clean the house? HOW WILL I FIND TIME FOR ALL THESE THINGS??

Spinning, spinning, spinning.

So many questions, so many directions. And then it hits me, I'll never be able to solve all those questions and problems in a given week/month/year. But here's a question I can focus on:

What is my God-given purpose in THIS season? 

For each of us, this is different. For all of us, it's important. 

Some of you may have read that and known IMMEDIATELY what your God-given purpose is in this season. Some of you may have had a lightbulb moment that this is exactly why you feel so lost, you're unsure of what task you should be focusing on. Both of those are ok. Now is when you allow yourself time to think it over.

For me, once I posed the question and cleared out the clutter in my mind, it was pretty clear. I feel very peaceful about being home with my kids, that is a very specific role and list of duties that I can nail down. For this season, I need to focus on helping Titus learn to express his emotions in a healthy way and how to problem solve instead of exploding. He's having way fewer of his out-of-control tantrums, and I really believe that is happening because I've been home with him and his life is consistent. This is my purpose.

God gave me that little boy and knew I would make a great mommy for him, that I could handle the outbursts and love him through it; that I could calm him down and bring him comfort like no one else. This is my purpose. 

That when he wants to start screaming because he's unable to put into words how he feels, he needs me to look him in the eyes and explain things to him in an adult manner that most people don't use for kids, because he's unique and it works for him. This is my purpose. 

To tie shoes and brush hair and cut up apples because sometimes, you're too small to do things on your own. This is my purpose. 

To sit down with my kids and tickle them and teach them that joy can trump all other emotions if you let it. This is my purpose. 

To empower my little girl to be more than pretty by showering her with compliments about how she's smart and funny and silly and sweet and brave. This is my purpose. 

To teach them that sometimes, life isn't all about you. They don't know how much I serve them now, but one day they will look back and realize the sacrifices I have made (just like I did with my mom) and that sometimes loving someone means putting their needs first. This is my purpose. 

That's mine. Yours is yours. None is better, none is worse. There are so many things I could be doing or focusing on. But when you try to juggle them all, no one person or thing gets your full ability. I feel so much clearer when I let the other things fall away and lean into my purpose in this stage.

There will come a time for all the rest, because there is a season for everything. A season for laughter and dancing, a season for mourning and tears. A season for hard work and a season for respite. A season for speaking many words and a season for speaking few while we hear others instead. A season for health and a season where your body doesn't act or look how you want. A season for serving others and a season for recognizing your own needs. A season for your anger and a season for offering forgiveness. A season for pushing through trials and a season for relishing the good days. A season of recognition and a season of humble selflessness. A season for independence and a season for vulnerability. A season to celebrate new life and a season to let go in death. A season to cry out in anguish and a season to cry out in praise.

But not all of those have to be accomplished all at once.

For me, this is a season of service, sacrifice, and nurturing. Realizing my God-given purpose for this season doesn't make all of those other questions magically disappear. And it definitely doesn't mean there won't be a season in the future where my God-given purpose is directed at one of them. But it does make me feel washed over in grace to know I can focus on the task at hand and set a more realistic bar for what is expected of me.

Haddie: 2016 wrap up

Dear Haddie,

At almost 3 years old...

• You weigh 33 pounds and are busting out of your 2T clothes. You are still petite, but you are getting too tall for most of your pants.
• You sleep from about 8:00pm-7:00am and take a two hour nap about half the days of the week
• Your favorite foods are cheese, yogurt, pickles, bananas, pizza, carrots, chips, and anything that you can dip (you love the "white sauce" *ranch* and salsa). You recently ate a bowlful of plain spinach, which was hysterical since you generally hate vegetables.
• You sing ALLLLL the time. When you wake up in the morning, I hear you singing in you crib and that's how I know you're awake
• You like singing so much you will pretend to know the words to songs you've never heard just so you can sing along
• You want to wear princess dresses all the time and have gotten much more picky about what kind of shoes or bows you wear
• Everywhere we go you take something with us. It's never the same thing, but you always need something by your side (today it was your piggy bank)
• You give REALLY good hugs. Like, squeeze your arms and legs around me and hold on super tight, hugs
• You're favorite Christmas present was the giant dollhouse you got and your favorite birthday presents were dress up dolls
• After months of being mortal enemies, you and Titus are now inseparable. It is not unusual for the two of you to go hang out upstairs for an hour while I'm cooking or cleaning
• You LOVED the Christmas lights. Every morning as soon as you got out of bed, you would march over to the tree and ask me to turn them on. You also loved driving around and looking at lights on houses
• You love going to school and walk into your classroom like a big girl
• At church you like to go sit with me and listen to the worship before going to the nursery
• You cry big tears really fast
• If you get scolded you will immediately burst into tears and you won't calm down until you're being held
• You love doing arts and crafts at school
• You are still in your crib and you love playing in it by yourself after naptime and in the morning
• You say you would like to potty like a big girl but when I actually try to get you on the potty you refuse.
• Your favorite show is My Little Pony but you also love Blaze and the Monster Machines, which is about monster trucks. You basically love whatever Titus loves.
• You still use a paci but only for naps and night time. Pacis stay in your crib.
• You get so excited to see Zi-Zi (Zion) and Connieee (Conner) when we go to school
• You don't have nearly as much interest in letters as Titus did at your age
• Your hair is still tinted red, but it looks much more blonde now. If your eyebrows weren't still reddish I might think you were turning into a permanent blonde!
• Because you are tall and Titus is short, we get asked about 4 times a week if you are twins
• You enjoy being the class clown. You love being silly and making people laugh. Right now, that's by replacing words in your favorites songs with the word poop ("twinkle twinkle little POOP"). We can thank your brother for teaching you that trick. 
• Sometimes I feel like you're talking to me like a grown up. You say phrases in the right context I didn't even realize you knew. It makes me giggle every time. 
• When Titus apologizes for hitting you he has to say, "I'm sorry for hitting you, do you forgive me?" But you never know how to respond, so he says, "say yes" and you do. Now when you want something, you try to pull that trick on me. "I have a popsicle, mommy? Say yes."
• You like to pat my tummy and say hi to the baby. You also pulled up daddy's shirt and patted his belly and said, "you have baby, too?"

Baby Love we are just thrilled with you! I can already tell you are going to be the goofy one in the family. You love making people laugh and you love laughing. Generally speaking, you are very laid back and enjoy doing whatever is the most fun. You are incredibly social (you make friends at the park all the time) and you love playing with anything you can cuddle or nurture (stuffed animals, dolls, plastic animals...). I have loved getting to watch your personality develop because I feel like you will be a lot like me (Grandma thinks so too). We love you so much, sweet girl!

Titus: 2016 Wrap Up

Dear Titus,
at almost 5 years old...

• You have hit a growth spurt and you have outgrown all your 3T jammies (finally!) You weight 38 pounds and are very proud of that fact.
• This growth spurt also means you have been eating A LOT. A typical day for you involves two waffles for breakfast, a full lunch, an early afternoon snack, an early dinner (tonight was two hot dogs and two PB&J sandwiches) and then usually another second dinner before you head off to bed.
• Your favorite shows are Transformers, Blaze and the Monster Machines and Sid the Science Kid
• You love all things legos right now (lego toys, lego movies, lego games)
• You and Haddie have been SO MUCH BETTER. We went through a month or two where you did nothing but fight and nitpick and scream at each other, it drove me absolutely crazy. But now, for the most part, you play so well together and are inseparable.
• Every night at bedtime you tell me, "but I'm just not sleepy! I can't sleep!" and then you fall asleep 3-5 minutes later
• You are all about the poop jokes right now. And by jokes, I mean saying things like "Is your hair made of POOP??" and then laughing at yourself. I told you that poop jokes are for boys and you can only make them with Daddy and your guy friends.
• You are finally starting to understand when we are teasing you instead of always taking everything so literal (although you are still 100% literal with everyone else besides Daddy and me).
• You are currently obsessed with "wrapping presents" which consists of taking hot wheels or marbles and wrapping them in toilet paper and taping them shut.
• Your emotional control has gotten much better although you still have multiple outbursts a day where you are redlining over small things (usually things that have a simple solution but you get upset before you think to ask for help)
• You say that Brooks is your best friend and Brooks said, "I'm basically a part of your family, we're like brothers" which is pretty darn cute
• You are asking for bunk beds so that friends can stay over. We'll have to wait and see if I'm ready for that...
• You still love school although you don't like any of the craft projects (you get very frustrated because you are such a concrete thinker. Drawing things frustrate you, I think part of this is because you are a perfectionist. So when you have to draw a person you get really upset because you think it doesn't look right)
• We say the phrase "if you don't have something kind to say, don't say anything at all" quite a bit. Your four year old attitude has kicked in ;)
• You love having Haddie follow you around. You make up all kinds of games and activities and she does almost anything you want
• Anytime you trip you yell, "I don't LIKE our new house!" even though you just fell because you lost your balance
• You are really into legos 
• Anytime a kid is doing something you don't like you yell, "NO MA'AM!" even if it's a boy
• You love watching daddy play football on the Xbox even though you don't really ever want to actually PLAY football.
• You still make a "d" sound instead of "th" (weather = wedder, another = anudder)
• You are obsessed with the weather and ask Siri for an update about a dozen times a day. 
• Every morning you wake up at 7 and are allowed to play with the iPad. Around 7:30, Haddie will start calling our, "Titus! Titus!" And you go down and crawl in her crib and play with her until I come in. 
• You ask permission all the time, even about things like taking your shoes off or jumping in a puddle. I love this about you! It's so respectful and sweet. However this does not apply when you are angry or frustrated and you could care less what I think ;)
• You say, "you know what I was thinking?" All the time, and then you pitch me an idea like getting donuts or playing gator golf. 
• We call you Captain Safety because you are ALL about everyone being safe and you keep us all in line

We love how different you and Haddie are, which also makes it really fun that you love to play together. She is girly and artistic and hates to be alone. You love building and drawing mazes and you need to have alone time during the day. But you still have the sweetest laugh and you are finding your own sense of humor and making a lot of silly jokes. I am really soaking up these days with both of you home because in eight more months you will start Kindergarten! I am so thankful for this time with you before you get so big. You were the first I ever rocked to sleep and you are still the last one I check on before going to bed every night (old habits die hard).

Titus: Fall 2016 update

Dear Titus,

• You have started wearing some 4T clothes, although the waist is still a little big and your 3T clothes still fit just fine.
• You don't nap anymore unless you are sick, but you are really good at having "rest time" where you get to play with your marble tower, writing board, or ipad.
• You said your favorite friend to play with is Brooks.
• The best part about you no longer napping is that you go to bed around 7:45 (AND ALL THE PARENTS SAID AMEN). 
• You wake up around 6:45 no matter what time you go to sleep, whether it's 7:30 or 10:30.
• You think it's funny to laugh in this really obnoxious way that you know your sister hates
• You and Haddie are both really into Paw Patrol right now and you spend a good portion of the day arguing about who gets to play with which pup. You say your favorite toys are your Rescue Bots.
• You still don't really like many artistic things, you never want to sing songs with us and drawing can frustrate you because you don't feel like you're doing it "right." You much prefer doing mazes (you even draw your own mazes and have Daddy finish them!) or something more concrete in thinking.
• Your favorite special activities are going bowling and playing putt-putt.
• You still love school very much!
• When you and Haddie play well together you are BEST friends
• You love watching YouTube videos about hamsters, marble tracks, and surprise eggs
• We started a zero tolerance policy to you yelling "NO!!!" anytime we give you a specific instruction (you would yell it even to something like, "lets put your shoes on"). It took a couple of days, but I'm glad we got over that!
• You got really into exploring bugs in the backyard this summer
• Cold weather is not your jam. You hate being cold AND you have too much energy to be inside
• You are a GREAT eater! You actually like a lot of vegetables, including salad. And when I make you try a bite of everything on your plate you usually end up liking it.
• Your favorite thing to eat is nutella. Nutella on waffles, nutella sandwiches, nutella to dip with strawberries... You are also really into hot dogs and always request "the kind on the bread!" (bun) with mustard only.
• You fell off a stool and got your first stitches this month. It was much more traumatizing for me than for you! I almost passed out after they finished stitching you up...
• We stayed Grandmother's for a few weeks while the new house was renovated and you kept asking, "are we going to live in the old house or the new house? Or Grandmother's house forever?" It was a little confusing for you and threw off your nightime sleep a little after we moved into the new house, but you eventually got used to it. Now when people come over you greet them at the door and say, "come up to my new play room, it's SO huge and fun!"
• You are always the first person to be willing to give a hug and you aren't afraid to talk to almost anyone (especially if they come over to our house)
• Speaking of hugs, you are incredibly empathetic. If you sense that any of us are upset you immediately climb in our laps and cuddle.
• You have become obsessed with Lucy, like follow her around the house all day even after she is done playing with you, kind of obsessed. She is very sweet and patient with your crazy antics, but we have to tell you to leave her alone sometimes.

You are a very unique kid, Titus James! You can still be incredibly short-tempered and have loud, tearful, angry meltdowns, but you can also be very gentle and thoughtful and kind. You get very upset if we don't leave the house every day, saying once it is dark outside, "but we didn't even go any places today!" Your favorite places to go are McDonald's Play Place, the gym, school and to Brooks' house (where you build legos and car tracks in his room for hours). I think you are ready to be in kindergarten full-time (you definitely get bored with us at the house), but I'm not sure how I feel about you being gone every day! We love you so much, every sassy, dramatic, aggressive, silly part of you.

Haddie: Fall 2016 update

Dear Haddie,

• You wear 2T clothes and are about to be 3T in some things
• You are only an inch or two shy of Titus' four year old height mark, even at 2.5. You're not necessarily tall for your age, but you're definitely growing faster than Titus has!
• You say your best friends are Conner and Rynn.
• You are still a very picky eater. Right now the only guarantees are french fries, pickles, cereal and peanut butter. Your favorites are probably "pinana" (banana) and "see-yull" (cereal), and you are mostly living on milk.
• You have started making up songs and when you're done singing you'll say, "dat's a good song." You love singing in general, we hear you singing in your crib ALL the time. Your favorite songs are Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Let It Go & Itsy Bitsy Spider.
• You hated being dropped off at school when we first went back in September (even though you enjoyed being there once I left). But the last few weeks you haven't cried at drop off and marched right in like a big girl!
• You go to bed around 7:30/8 and wake up around 7/7:30 with a 2 hour nap around 1pm.
• About that nap... You have really been fighting it lately, and bedtime for that matter. It is not unusual for you to throw a fit for 15-30 minutes after being put down.
• Everyone is saying "I can't believe how much she has started talking since I saw her last!"
• Your favorite toys are barbies, your Elsa doll and anything that comes in a Happy Meal.
• You almost always take something wherever we go (a Paw Patrol dog, a tiny pig, your pull-along puppy) and then INSIST on taking it inside wherever we go.
• You wear a princess dress almost every single day.
• You. Are. Stubborn. If you aren't getting what you want you will throw things and yell "no!" while sobbing BIG angry tears.
• You have started handing me your pacis in the car or after naps, sometimes without me even asking! I think we're getting close to retiring the pacis...
• You love sitting in your crib or high chair alone with your favorite toys and just playing. I secretly think it's because it's the only place Titus can't get to you and mess up your toys :)
• Your favorite shows are Paw Patrol, Blaze and the Monster Machines, and Team Umi-Zoomi. Which are also Titus' favorite shows, so I think you mostly like them because he does.
• Everything needs to kiss and hug, followed by, "awwww!" Pacis, animals, shoes...
• The thing you say most is, "what dat?" about every noise you hear or unidentified object you see.
• You get SO excited when friends come over, like cheering and jumping and hugging when they walk in the door.
• You are incredibly loving, you give hugs to almost everyone and ask Daddy and I if we can snuggle all the time.

Haddie girl, you are so much fun. You and Titus look different and definitely act different, and I am loving getting to know your little personality. You are definitely passionate about having fun, animals, cartoons and being able to do everything Brother can do. You are pretty fearless and adventurous and can get equally as dirty as you can girly and princessy. At school you love to do crafts and socialize and your teacher says you love music time and sing and dance along to every song. We think you are so sweet, spunky and fun, Baby Love!

Haddie: Summer 2016

• You have hit a growth spurt and are catching up in height to Titus. People mistake you for twins pretty often
• Your favorite foods are... no food. You don't want to eat much of anything. Most of your meals consist of the same rotation of a few things: pickles, turkey, yogurt, goldfish, strawberries. You sometimes scarf down pizza, spaghetti, or french fries, and then other times you don't care for them at all. You will eat a little ice cream or other desserts, but not a lot.
• You really like to dance and you especially like it if we're dancing with you because you imitate our moves (it's hilarious)
• Most of this summer you spent in just a diaper or even naked. By noon you are usually wet, muddy or a combination of both
• You don't seem to miss school at all, but you do ask about "Si Si?" which is what you call Zion, your best friend in your class
• One of our friends said you have the highest, sweetest voice of any toddler she's met. It's so true, everything about your voice is ultra feminine!
• You have started going to bed later, like 8/8:30 and wake up around 7/7:30. You still take a great afternoon nap, usually 2 hours and sometimes as long as 3.5 hours.
• You are obsessed with other babies, although sometimes your affection is still too rough
• Your favorite toy right now is an old hand-me-down Finding Nemo or the stuffed cat you got from Grandmother
• You have started throwing a lot more fits. There are a lot of tears accompanied by melodramatic sobbing. These can go on for a looooonnnnng time and I am starting to get a picture of how 13 may look for you ;)
• You love playing in the stream at Gulley Park, your favorite part is throwing rocks in the water
• I have been trying to not give you the paci in the car (only in the crib) and you will wail from the backseat, "PAAAAA-CCCEEEEEEYYY" LIKE YOU ARE DYING. This is also hilarious to me
• Your play really well independently, but you also like to play with Titus a lot (when he's being nice to you)
• You love making animal noises and when we ask you what sound a Haddie makes you say, "Ah Hah-eeeee!" and pat your chest
• Your favorite shows are Little Einsteins, Rescue Bots (thank to Brother you're obsessed too) and Horton Hears a Who
• I hear you say frequently to your dolls/animals/pacis, "no ma'am!" which is clearly something you have been hearing a lot lately
• You have recently discovered Princess outfits/jewelry/shoes and walk around with a wand saying, "Princess time!"
• You say, "no ma'am!" all the time to Titus (you don't know "no sir!" is a thing). This is mostly because a) you hear that from me, and b) Titus says it to you A LOT
• When you wake up in the morning Titus usually brings you books and toys in your crib. This is one of your favorite things!
• You have recently started to not like bedtime very much (kicking and screaming when you are getting your jammies put on). Once we put you in the crib and leave the room you start to cry, but you always calm down almost immediately when we sing to you through the baby monitor.
• Titus recently developed a fear of thunder and after one particularly scary freak out, you became scared too. Now when I ask you if you want to go outside, you frequently say, "no tanks. It waining." (even though it never is)

You have started talking so much and I'm loving hearing you put 2-3 word sentences together. When you are throwing a fit I will ask you to use your words and you usually say, "that." Which isn't super helpful but eventually you usually explain what I need to know. When we went to the beach this summer you were a little nervous about the water, but it didn't take much to convince you it would be a good time. You liked to go out past the waves with me and just lay back with your floaties, cross your ankles, and close your eyes while you floated in the sun. This pretty much sums you up: laid back, fun loving, adventurous, a big time momma's girl, and a casual lounger. We love you, sweet girl!