No Fear

Four years ago today a horrible thing happened. A little boy who was playing with his friends and thinking of nothing but fun and laughter, died in the most heartbreakingly, tragic accident. A little boy who was, from all accounts, rambunctious and silly and whose parents surely dreamed of his future and loved him endlessly.

A little boy who was only slightly older than my little boy is now.

Every year it’s hard to pass this day by without a deeply heavy heart and wonder how a parent could ever survive that kind of pain. Even after sitting on the threshold of losing a child last fall, frozen in a hospital hallway and envisioning myself as “one of those parents,” I still can’t fully imagine the doctor walking out and delivering news far worse than what we got.

Maybe the hardest part of secondary tragedy is the fear of it becoming your own. The “what if’s” can chase you down and sit on your chest; make it hard to breathe or move. Fear is paralyzing and I can feel the mist settling on me now. I try to fight it, try to wipe it away, but it’s everywhere and it’s invisible and it multiplies quicker than I can clear it.

But I know by the way it steals all air and joy and lightness from the room that it is not from the Lord, it is not (and never will be) what he desires for me. Therefore I must find a way to reject it, and the only way I know how to keep from drowning in the rising waters of it’s lies is to cling to the words that are strong enough to buoy me to the surface.

Isaiah 43:1-2
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

He doesn’t suggest it, doesn’t even give an “if then” promise. HE DECLARES IT. He HAS. He IS. He WILL BE. He creates truth and fact because he is the author of our story, and all creation is exactly as he says it will be. Who am I to reject that which is concrete and unchanging; to question the only certainty that will exist for all eternity?

He CREATED me.
He FORMED me.
He commands me,
DO NOT HAVE FEAR, I HAVE SAVED YOU.

He has CALLED ME to Him, by MY name.

He DECLARES over me:
YOU.
ARE.
MINE.

With zero hesitation, He speaks words that leave no room for the lies of fear:
When the waters rise, I WILL BE WITH YOU.
Even as they swell and crash, THEY WILL NOT TAKE YOU.
When the fire surrounds you,
YOU WILL NOT BE BURNED.
Refined, but NOT SET ABLAZE.

So today, in the name of Jack, I am choosing to have no fear. I am sitting on my boat as waves try to overtake me, and clinging to the mast I know to be true: The Creator of all things is for me, therefore who can stand up against me? What lies can paralyze me and steal my joy?

I will look the storm directly in the face and declare with no waiver in my voice: He is with me. I will not be taken. I AM HIS.

Collins: Seven Months

Dear Collins,

At seven months...

You wear 3 to 6 month clothes which fit you well except for the pants, those are still way too big on you

You take two naps around 930 and two, and you sleep from about 730 to 630 or seven.

If you are hungry and you see me making you a bottle you kick your arms and legs

You love to sit in your high chair and play with toys (and throw them)

You are finally rolling back-and-forth on a regular basis, but you prefer to get around by scooting backwards on your back instead of rolling over onto your tummy

You love table food, it is your favorite activity. I will put you in your high chair and you will snack for almost an hour at night. Foods you like: tomato, avocado, zucchini, apple, pickles, baby puffs. You still almost exclusively like baby food made from fruit (no veggies! Except avocado and carrot)

You have really started jumping in your jumper, it is your favorite toy

You babble all the time

You love watching the dogs and always want to touch them

The only time you really chug a bottle is when you’re falling asleep. The rest of the day you only want a couple ounces at a time

You sleep in your crib at night and almost all your naps, although you nap way better in your swing. 

You can sit up on your own! As long as you’re not tired you are great, although we do still sit behind you just in case. 

You love growling at me and having me growl back. And you think it’s funny when I say “ma ma” and “da da”

If we’re out to dinner you don’t want to be held, you want to stand on the table and bounce or look around. 

You have finally noticed the toys on your jumper and will move the pieces back and forth or try to grab them and put them in your mouth. And you still love jumping in it, of course!

Baby love, this month has been sooooo much better! You have finally gotten into a normal sleep schedule (even though you still wake up multiple times a night wanting your paci) and you seem to be a little more content when you’re awake. You still want a lot of attention and hate being left alone, but you’re becoming much more flexible. And you are laughing so much more! You are the bravest of all three kids, loving to be fully thrown in the air and to be genuinely surprised/scared by me saying “BOO!” when you’re not expecting it. You just laugh and wait for me to do it again! You also don’t mind being passed around to strangers or childcare workers. You’ll keep an eye on me but you’ve never cried at drop off.

We are so happy things have finally turned a corner and that you seem to be happier. We love you to the moon!

Haddie: 4 year update

Dear Haddie,
At four years old...

• You are in the 60th percentile for height and 50th for weight (37 pounds). People still mistake you and Titus for twins all the time.
• You are incredibly social! You are always hoping someone will be coming over to play.
• You are also sneaky, you will try to hide and get away with what you can.
• Your favorite foods are peanut butter sandwiches, bananas, yogurt, toast, cheese, chicken and french fries, and any type of cracker/chip. You are a very picky eater and it's hard to get you to eat!
• You imitate everything I do with Baby Collins ("it's okay Baby Love, we're almost home!" "I know Lovie, we're almost there.")
• Your favorite activities are playing tea party, anything with Titus, and pretending to be a mommy to your babies.
• Your favorite shows are Tangled (Rapunzel), Curious George, Sing, and Boss Baby.
• You have gotten so much better with Collins! You have finally figured out how to play with her without squishing her (most of the time). You help me by putting her paci in or entertaining her while I shower.
• You made up a song called "I love Everything" that you sing every night before bed (you basically just sing "I love" followed by whatever pops into your head :)
• You ask me to give you "Anna Hair" like in Frozen, but it's still not long enough for much besides pigtails.
• You LOVE bath time. Sometimes you'll take two baths a day just because you want to play in the bath.
• You are really perceptive of people's emotions and know how to make them laugh or feel better.
• You make friends wherever you go and are very inclusive when playing.
• You cry really easily when things aren't going your way, it's almost like a magic trick how quickly you can make tears appear and disappear ;)
• You don't really like any sports or have an interest in learning to ride your bike. You do, however, love taking gymnastics!
• You go to the library with Aunt Ashley every Monday and it's one of your favorite weekly activities
• You generally have a very positive attitude, thinking that almost anything could be fun. For instance, Titus is over going to the gym and playing in the play place but you always like to go because there are other kids there to play with.
• You don't really like to color or do crafts, but you do love to play with anything you can manipulate with your hands (play-doh, sand, etc.)
• You still have the sweetest, highest little voice and an adorable closed mouth smile and model stance when I take your picture

When Grandma talks about what I was like as a little girl it sounds a whole lot like how you are now! You are generally pretty laid back, can easily get into things you shouldn't, and are an overall happy child who enjoys most things. Christmas and birthdays are so much fun with you because every single little things brings you joy. My favorite thing about you right now is how polite you are and how you have learned what to say to make people feel good. For instance, you automatically say "thank you, Mommy!" for things I wasn't even thinking you thank me for. Or out of nowhere you will pay me a genuine compliment about something I'm wearing like you're a grownup! We love you so much, Haddie Mae!

Titus: Six Year Update

Dear Titus,
at six years...

• You weigh almost 40 pounds and are still measuring in the 3rd percentile for your size.
• You are small for your age, in fact, you like to tell me you're the smallest kid in your kindergarten class. But this doesn't seem to bother you, it's more observational than anything!
• You go to sleep around 7:30pm and sleep til 6:30/7:00am. You've always been a good night sleeper! Once you're out, you're OUT.
• You are really into crafts right now, you like anything where you create or build something from nothing. You draw family portraits, cut out race cars, and make all kids of games for us to play. Your art set is at the kitchen table most days of the week.
• You love Collins so much, but sometimes you love her too hard. One time you headbutted her by accident because you were dancing too close to her face... But other times you are so sweet with her and know just how to help entertain her while I cook or clean :)
• You are way ahead in school, you can read signs everywhere we go in public and we're practicing multiplication at home. The downside is that you are bored of being at school and so most days you ask not to go.
• You LOVE playing soccer! This is a big deal because it's the first sport you've played where you didn't just blow up and quit when things don't go your way.
• You're still obsessed with marble towers, marble mazes, anything with marbles...
• Once you're in a bad mood you prefer to stay that way, finding something wrong with everything. Usually Daddy has to act silly to get you out of your funk.
• You make love notes for everyone in the family and leave them out for us to find.
• Your favorite foods are spaghetti, sausage rolls, and cheeseburgers. Even though vegetables aren't your favorite, you are a really good eater and try everything once, then you usually end up eating it all!
• You can't handle it when Haddie or Collins is hurt or upset and you start yelling at us to help them
• You love babies! And you are so good with them, they love interacting with you.
• You have gotten really into watching sports with Daddy.
• You have been really scared to go swimming (you also hate being cold) but after swimming once with us at FAC you seemed a little more confident and excited about it
• You really love cooking! You help Grandmother cook when you stay the night at her house and it's one of your favorite things

We have loved watching you grow this year since you've started school. It's always amazing to hear you say something out of the blue that I had no idea you knew anything about (habitats, recycling, how tall cows are...) You have also gotten way better and understanding sarcasm and when people are joking, which makes you really happy because you feel in on it :) You still get upset and overwhelmed easily (which usually results in you being angry) but you're not yelling as much as you used to, you say a lot of things like "I'll never do anything like this again" or "you must not love me then." It's all very dramatic and would be kind of funny if it wasn't so serious to you. But on the other hand, you can be incredibly fun and encouraging to others. I asked your teacher what you were like at school and she said your favorite thing is to help other students. She also said you were kind and inclusive which was all I had really hoped for your first year of school. You are also very faithful, constantly telling us that God made you unique and everything different about each of us is exactly what God wanted us to be. We love you, buddy!

Collins: 6 months

Dear Collins,
At six months...

• You are in the 5th percentile for weight (14.4lbs) and 10th percentile for height. Big cheeks but small mostly everywhere else!
• You wear 3-6 month clothes (barely) and size 3 diapers
• You have recently started being ticklish
• You generally wake up around 6:30-7 and then take a nap around 9 and another nap around 1-2. You wake up around 3:30 and then stay awake until bedtime around 6:30-7.
• You still sleep in your swing at night and for naps
• You eat baby food twice a day, almost exclusively fruits. Your favorites are apple and pear.
• When I feed you you try to grab the spoon and play with it. You also like to put your fingers in your mouth while eating, definitely a messy baby!
• When I'm making you a bottle you will open your mouth and start kicking your legs from excitement
• You sleep swaddled and in your swing for naptime and even for a lot of night time. It seems like when you lay flat in the crib your reflux bothers you a lot more and you wake up 3-5 times a night.
• You have been sick the last couple of weeks with a cold/cough and it's been HORRIBLE. You take hours to finally get down at night (we're usually fighting you from 7-11) and wake up fussy a couple times at night and get a bottle and ibuprofen. You wake up early (6 or so) and take both your naps, but we have to go put your paci in multiple times each nap.
• You like to sit in the jumper and look out the window, especially if Titus and Haddie are outside playing.
• You have starting wanting to sit up a lot more. You still can't do it without help but you're getting much stronger.
• When we go to the gym you don't ever want to nap in childcare but they say you're generally happy, especially when you can watch the big kids play
• You are constantly chewing on your hands, toys, clothes, whatever you can grab. I keep thinking you'll pop a tooth any day, but so far, nothing!
• You roll over both ways but you hate to be on your stomach.
• When you are really happy and excited you open you mouth and then eventually shove your hand in it, like you just can't take the excitement anymore.

When I give you a bottle you like to reach up and touch my face, it's my favorite thing about you right now. Sometimes you even stop drinking so you can catch my eye and smile at me while you stroke my cheek. I know you can't help being sick and fussy, but it's been a really hard month, so little moments like this remind me how helpless you are and how much you really do love me. When you hear my voice or see me after I've been gone, your arms and legs start pumping and you get a huge smile on your face. You kind of like Daddy, too, just not as much as me :) I love you, baby girl!

Collins: 5 months

Dear Collins,
At five months...

• You are still very petite at 13.5 pounds, wear size 2 diapers and 0-3 month clothes (they’re starting to get snug but 3-6 months are huge on you).
• You smile pretty easily but you make us work for a laugh. When you do laugh it’s low and growly like Titus!
• We switched you to formula with rice cereal and it’s made a huge difference! No more massive spit ups and you are generally more content because you are more full.
• You have started trying some food, although it’s definitely more for practice than actual sustenance, you don’t eat very much of it. So far you have really liked peas, anything with banana, and kind of like pear and apple. You did not care for carrots or peaches, I guess they were too tart for you!
• You have a “general” schedule, but you love to toss it out the window half the time. Typically, you go to bed around 7, wake up around 6-6:30, take a nap at 9, and another nap around 2. You refuse to take a late afternoon cat nap, so you have a pretty long awake stretch before bed.
• Your naps are usually 1.5-2.5 hours long.
• It’s not unusual for you to go to bed at 7 and then wake back up around 9ish and want to eat again.
• You sleep swaddled and in your swing for naptime and even for a lot of night time. It seems like when you lay flat in the crib your reflux bothers you a lot more and you wake up 3-5 times a night.
• You still don’t really like your car seat...
• You love when your siblings “play” with you, as long as they remember not to lay on you.
• Your hair is definitely still red and your eyes seem to be more blue than Haddie’s.
• You love bath time! It’s become one of our favorite times of the evening (it’s also one of the only things that calms you down when you’re tired but it’s too early for bedtime).
• You like being outside if it’s warm. You especially like laying on a blanket under a tree and watching the wind blow the leaves.
• You have had some random times where you wake up crying in pain, so I’m not sure but you may be getting close to teething. I usually just give you some Tylenol and you go back to normal.
• You have strong tummy muscles (when I lay you flat you like to Superman) but you still refuse to roll over! Lazy baby :)
• You’re not content to sit in one spot for very long, but you usually do best laying on your playmat.

Collins: Four Months

Dear Collins,
At four months...

• You weigh 12 pounds are in the 10th percentile.
• You wear size 2 diapers and 0-3 month clothes
• You still sleep in your swaddle sack, which is good because if your hands are free you love to take your paci out and place with it
• You nap twice a day and sometimes a late afternoon catnap if I can convince you to take it.
• You prefer an early bedtime and are often asleep for the night by 6:30, then you will wake up around 6am for the day.
• You Enjoy being outside if you’re in the baby carrier
• You laugh when I gasp loudly
• You love to be bounced on my knee while I sing “She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain”
• You Have your hands in your mouth at all times and love to suck on two fingers
• You love your hands so much you e en try to put them in your mouth alongside the bottle when you eat
• You rub your feet together when you’re trying to go to sleep
• You sleep in your swing for naps and the crib for bedtime. Unlike your siblings, you do not want to take a nap being held or laying down with me.
• You only want to eat in your nursery with little distraction, otherwise you don’t each much at all
• You are getting better with your car seat and will sometimes fall asleep in it
• Your favorite “toy” is the playmat, although you would prefer to always be held
• We’ve had a babysitter come over a couple times this month and you weren’t an easy baby for them. Bless our sweet sitters!

This has honestly been a very tough month. You've been in a lot of pain from your reflux and the schedule has all but gone out the window, which leaves a very exhausted mommy and daddy! But while it hasn't been easy, we are still incredibly grateful that we have you. We always felt like our family wasn't complete with just Titus and Haddie, and I can't wait to watch you fill in the gap as you grow up with them. We love you, sweet girl! Fussy baby and all :)