Be kind. Seek compassion.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it.
-Avett Brothers

The death of actor and comedian Robin Williams has left me feeling brokenhearted on so many levels. The first of which is the simple fact that I can identify with his depression and understand the cloudiness that becomes your rational thought process while you are in the thick of it. During my relatively short bouts with Postpartum Depression after the births of both my children, I experienced an array of feelings that were completely abnormal for me, ranging from deep and uncontrollable sorrow to a choking feeling of desperation and a lot of times just a complete numbness, like I'd fallen asleep on my brain and it went numb like an arm or a foot.
I personally never had thoughts of suicide, but I did have moments where I just wanted to stop time and not exist. I couldn't leave my house but I didn't want to stay. I wished I'd never had children and thought my life would end without them. It's a daily battle of inconsistencies that cannot be explained or understood, even by the person experiencing it.

So my request is simple:
If you have never battled depression, seek compassion in this moment for those around you. Author Wendy Mass wrote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." Her words could not ring more true in this scenario. Even someone who lives their whole life and builds a career out of bringing joy to others may be themselves, joyless. BE KIND. SEEK COMPASSION. Take the loss of this beloved man and learn from it. Those around you may be waiting for someone, ANYONE, to ask them how they're doing. And not just ask, but LISTEN. Be that person.

There is a darkness that accompanies depression that only the individual can sense, and there is nothing more isolating in the world than to feel like you are lost and alone in the deep. It's murky and you're drowning and it's exhausting to just EXIST some days...
and I think some people just get tired of swimming.


Be kind. Seek compassion. For everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Photo courtesy of Ashley Tanaka

-Sarah Autry

Haddie Mae: 4 months!

Dear Haddie Mae,
At four months...

• You are still a breastfeeding champ and I couldn't be prouder! I had to stop breastfeeding Titus around 3 months, so this is a big time milestone for me. You do well at taking a bottle as well (4-5oz), you just insist on it being pretty warm. 
• You have a pretty set bedtime (7:30/8) unless we are out somewhere. You usually only wake up once during the night to eat, but that varies (anytime between 2:30-5:30). You will get up for the day about 12 hours after you went down.
• You only poop once every 2-4 days! It doesn't seem to bother you at all though.
• You wear size 2 diapers
• Your hair is still red! This is one of the most popular questions I get about you.
• Your eyes are still a pretty dark blue, with a little bit of gray. You have INCREDIBLY long eyelashes!
• You like to grab the toys hanging from your playmat and chew on them
• You are a pretty quiet baby. Not only are your noises dainty and feminine, but you just don't make a whole lot of noise in general. You are a big-time people watcher
• You have turned into SUCH a good napper! If we're home during the day you'll do 2 long naps (1.5-3 hours) and one evening catnap (30-45 minutes). If we are out you will take 20-30 minute catnaps but be generally happy even off schedule, then take a long nap (2.5-3.5 hours) when we finally get home. You even take naps at the gym in your carseat!
• You weigh 13 lbs
• You are a DROOLER! It is such a problem. You soak through all your clothes unless you have on a bibdana.
• You are still sleeping in your rock 'n' play. I gotta move you to that crib!
• You don't roll at all. In fact, you could care less about rolling. You don't even attempt it! You are completely content laying exactly where you are, whether it's on your tummy or back
• You are swaddled for naps and night time and once you are wrapped up and I put your paci in you fall asleep in like two minutes. You are such a good baby.
• You have started looking for people when you hear their voice
• You are wearing 3 month clothes and some 3-6 month clothes, although they are too long on you. You have to wear 6-9 month headbands though because you have a pretty big head like brother!
• You love playing peekaboo
• My favorite thing about you is the first time you see me in the morning. You get this huge smile on your face and I know you've been waiting for me!
• You try to watch the tv. This will probably be what gets you to roll over, ha!
• You still hate the carseat in almost every scenario

Did I mention what an easy baby you are? Seriously. Daddy and I talk about it all the time, we are so lucky! Even when you're tired or hungry you won't really cry much as long as you're being held. Anyone can put you to sleep with your paci and you aren't afraid to be held by strangers. You're pretty flexible in your schedule as far as babies go, which is good considering we are always on the go with big brother! Honestly, Haddie Mae, your demeanor is the only thing that makes me think I might want another baby. If they were all as easy and sweet as you I might have a couple more! But you are one of a kind, sweet girl, and we are just happy to have even one of you in our family. Love you to the moon and back!

My Little Loves- August, 2014

I've been trying to get some pictures of the kids together, but with a wiggly baby and energetic toddler, it's almost impossible to get them both in the same frame! I promise I love them equally and I tried to get plenty of Titus as well as Haddie, but he is just a bundle of constant motion. It's a lot easier to get pictures of a baby that can't go anywhere :)